General How To Handle An Angry Person?

[Isabel]

Hi

I have been having ups and downs with my boyfriend, we live together and are very much in love. The other day after talking to him about how we can handle his anger episodes I wrote down this list for myself. I also asked him to write me an email that I can read when I think he is becoming ill. His email explains that he is probably ill and being rude, that he loves me and that he is working very hard on getting better. I wanted to share my list because this weekend I completely forgot about my plan and made things worse.

Signs that he might be getting ill:
- Rude behavior.
- Stress because of his studies or his parents.
- Doesnt sleep well.
- Is being a bit short with me.

What to do:
- Think back for signs of illness.
- Do not try to correct any of his distorted thoughts or facts.
- Don´t answer any questions or accusations, say "I'm not sure if I understand what you are saying, lets discuss this later".
- Let him be no matter what happens!!!
- Read his email.
- Remember that he might get upset or angry no matter what you do or say.
- So never take anything personally.
- Show no emotion, and never let him see you cry.
- Say hi honey, good morning and good night.
- Dont speak to him until he contacts you.
- If you have to speak, speak in a gentle tone.
- Follow your plans regarding housework.
- Make dinner as planned, and leave it in the kitchen.
- Don´t offer him anything. (Offered him pizza once and he broke the plate)
- Go out and meet people, (gym, swimming, shopping...) stay away for long. Tell him when you will be back.
- Make good use of the time you are away.
- Try to stay away (keep this plan) for whole 3 days.
- Do not stop until he has either apologized, given explanation to his behavior or talked to his therapist.
- He will eventually talk to his therapist about this so know that the matter will be resolved very soon.
- Be kind to yourself and give yourself praise for every little victory, its about the small things you can do to help.
- Never ever punish yourself for failing, just keep on following the plan. This can be hard on anyone so if you make a mistake that's ok.
- Forgive him as quickly as humanly possible, this is an illness not a marital dispute.
- Know that you choose to stay or go, you absolutely don't have to be in this relationship.

So after trying to have a normal discussion with him, and when I see that it is no use, that now his illness has taken over, I try to follow this plan to diminish the damage. After the three days have passed and he seems positively better, I can discuss this with him and he can sympathize with me. It seems to be important not to discuss this until he is a bit better.

I'm not a professional, this is just a home made list I made for me personally and I wanted to share.

Hugs for all of you, Isabel

 

[anni]

Your list leaves me with much admiration for Carers, although have to say it's on top of a pre-existing ton of it. I always capitalize that word for a reason! I personally could not do this, only because my single reaction to angry men is one of fleeing, but those of the words of my own PTSD speaking. Not being a Carer of course just cannot comment on the dynamics of what you've written but it seems the result of an awful lot of clear thought and communication.

I'm glad to see your list includes taking care of yourself so well also, so do keep it up! :)

Anni

 

[Isabel]

Thank you.

I decided to share this because I don't find this easy at all. I often forget to stay calm and feel so silly when I realize that I just made things worse by panicking or arguing with him. For me it was not enough to say to myself: "leave him alone" I needed to write down a detailed list. Now that I have posted this here hopefully next time I will remember. We are actually lucky and if I keep my plan he can calm down quite fast. I tend to forget that very soon his anger will be over and he will help me and sympathize with me. I also forget that he is already much better and that things are not bad at all. I put the three day goal to remind me to really stick with this and stay calm no matter what happens.

Isabel

 

[PTSDT]

Both the sufferer and the carer agreeing to time away for an hour or two and reuniting can help. I have a lot of anger. I may be wrong, but I feel like it is easier for my male carer to take my anger than it is for me to take his. He does want to get away from my anger though. I don't blame him. But, we really have to discuss that there has to be a time limit on time away after anger has come into the picture. I get angry. But I really need to cry from the emotional and physical pain. It has taken a lot of practice with more upsets to come I'm sure. But agreements are very important. He is getting a book that actually has a contract between the person with PTSD and their person who wants to help them. I am looking forward to seeing that. I cross the line a lot and he lets me because he is tough. But, as I get a little better, I remind him to put his rest and self care first unless I tell him I am in a crisis.