Relationship How to help boyfriend???

[Jay02]

Hi, guys. So, my boyfriend and I are nearing one year of our relationship. He's a former Marine who did two tours in Afghanistan.

He tends to distance himself from me whenever he has a flashback, and the past few days have been very tough. I know he struggles with it, but he never allows me to be there for him because I don't understand what he's going through, which he's right, but how am I able to give him the space he needs to figure it out on his own when I'm worried if he's okay or not?

I'm trying to be patient with him and I'm trying to understand that he needs to deal with it on his own, but how do I reassure him that he can rely on me when he's feeling this way?

I love him, a lot, and I'd do anything to make sure he's okay. I just want to know how I can deal with it when he gets like this...

Thanks.

 

[grit]

The best thing you can do for him is to give the space he requested and you find your own hobbies and life to live on. the best way to help anyone is to do what they ask for. Even a healthy relationship, this works. Relying on you is precisely what he is avoiding because he needs to learn that for himself so he could rely on you in healthy way. Now, what you are doing is two things:
you are not hearing him and that is not helping him.
you are hearing him but ignoring his request for space.

one of the most important thing in any relationship (in my view), is to really pay attention what the person is wanting from you and allow that if that request is done respectively.

 

[Jay02]

The best thing you can do for him is to give the space he requested and you find your own hobbies and life...

Thank you. It's just tough to hear that he's struggling/hurting and I can't do anything to help him, you know? I told him I would respect his wishes to be alone and that I would be there for him. But you're right. He's gotta learn for himself to rely on me in a much healthier way.

 

[grit]

The thing is you really cannt help him with this directly. the best you can do is to give him space - that is helping and you need to believe that knowing your relationship better than me of course! loving him and giving him space is precisely the help he asks and you can give but you are devaluing that and want to soothe him as you would soothe yourself in similar situation. This is why relationships get so confusing and problematic. he wants this and you are like no I want to give you this..boom. communication and connection breakdown.

Try to soothe yourself by understanding him this is his battle. if you want to be with him for a long term, you would have to learn how to soothe yourself and find your own peace and not make him into a project.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[Jay02]

The thing is you really cannt help him with this directly. the best you can do is to give him space - that...

Gahh... Thank you for that. I do want to be with him long term, as he's also said that to me as well, but again, you are right. It makes complete sense. Thank you so much. I feel a lot better. I can't really talk to my close friends about this because none of them can really understand, but I really appreciate it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Isolation can throw you when you're not used to it. Nobody is born knowing how to be a supporter, it's a learning curve. It gets easier over time.

The important thing to remember here is that we cannot help, and we cannot fix. We just support. I consider giving my vet space a loving act. He needs it and I give it to him, no questions asked. I can't make what's stressing him any better, but giving him the time and space to work through it without being needy or getting upset is one thing I can do to "help". If I were to get emotional and upset that he was isolating it would add more stress and exacerbate the situation. He would feel worse if he had to deal with my emotions when he can't really deal with his own at the time.

I'd check out the stress cup model. It is a very easy explanation about what he's dealing with right now. It'll help you understand.

 

[Jay02]

Isolation can throw you when you're not used to it. Nobody is born knowing how to be a supporter, it...

Thank you so much. I needed to hear all of this. It's helped me realize that this isn't about me. I will definitely check out the stress cup model. Thank you again.

 

[Justmehere]

It's just tough to hear that he's struggling/hurting and I can't do anything to help him, you know?

Yep. I think this is one of the hardest things about being a supporter. It’s hard as a sufferer too. It happens for people with any number of conditions and illnesses. It’s hard to see pain and not be able to remedy it.

To also be fair, many sufferers of PTSD tend to easily believe the halfway distorted idea that no one will be able to endure the darkness of symptoms because they just won’t get it...

I mean. That’s half wrong. But it takes time to learn that.

Part of what’s really great about peer support is that it’s much harder to say folks won’t get it.

I recently told someone that they just wouldn’t understand xyz about my life. They challenged me on it. A year into a relationship, I would have told them stuff it. It wouldn’t have been helpful for them to say this to me, so I’m not recommending you say this to him. At all’s Frankly, there is plenty about war and trauma that even those with PTSD that haven’t been there wouldn’t understand. Even with my own trauma history, there is much people without PTSD won’t understand.

But having been a number of years into this, and in this relationship in my life, this person was right to tell me that it was a little unfair to say they couldn’t be understand so I can’t rely on them about it. They did actually understand more than I thought and they didn’t have to entirely understand it to be connected to them when things were hard.

(Again, I wouldn’t suggest you challenge him on his resistance to connection. I want to be fair though that sufferers can get a little too caught up in the idea that “no one will understand me” at times.)

but how do I reassure him that he can rely on me when he's feeling this way?

Great question! I think this is going to look a little different for every sufferer.

Most of all, it will take time. Learning to trust others when I’m struggling has been the slowest part of my recovery.

Plus, as others have pointed out, one of the hardest things about PTSD for me is that believing someone is really there for me... that doesn’t always mean it’s helpful for me to connect to them when I’m struggling. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it just stresses me out more, even when I trust them. My therapist has explained that when people begin to feel safe in a relationship, symptoms can spike even more. It can be destablizing. So if a sufferer is saying to you that they are too symptomatic to connect... it actually may be really wise for them to pace connection as they get their feet under them.

It’s sort of like having a broken leg. I can trust others are there for me, but it doesn’t mean I can climb a mountain. Or that trusting them will mean I can climb a mountain. I have to go through the whole process of her leg healing and learning to walk again on that leg, physical therapy and etc....

One of the things that helps me when others take space from connection, including those with and without PTSD, is to remind myself that while unchecked isolation isn’t healthy, boundaries are healthy. When someone says “no,” it means I can trust their “yes” all the more.

So when he takes space, try reframing it as being glad he’s doing what he needs to do to take care of himself, and that you’ll look forward to connecting again when he can. When people say that to me, it makes it easier.

One option to explore with him later might Ben ways you might be able to be there for him before he has to shut down, including ways that don’t require you to step into the worst of it and him to sustain trying to let someone into the worst of it.

Example: when my stress cup is starting to get full, and before I just can’t do it anymore, I’ve learned to reach out and say just, “hey, I’ve had a bad day. I don’t want to talk about it, but it might help for me to go run/see a movie/escape life for a bit and destress in xyz way... want to come along?” I’ll only risk that with people who can be really cool about knowing there’s problem they can’t fix or know about, but we can do something to distract together.

He may not have the skills or ability yet to flag those times for himself, but maybe down the road it could be an option to explore. (But wait until things are in a good place to ask about this.)

Glad you are reaching out to learn more!

 

[Jay02]

Yep. I think this is one of the hardest things about being a supporter. It’s hard as a sufferer to...

Oh my goodness... Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate you giving me all the advice that I need to understand what I can do for next time. He really deserves the best of the best and I'm trying my hardest to abide his wishes. However, my boyfriend's never really had anything good in his life, so when he's having flashbacks from his time in the military, he just sinks into a deeper hole. He's told me (just recently actually) that I calm him down when he gets angry and he's said to me that when he does get his flashbacks, he tends to get physical and very frustrated which is why he doesn't want me around. Our relationship is still developing and this is by far the toughest, but the most amazing relationship I have ever been in.

I hope one day he can be able to do what you do when you realize your stress cup is starting to reach its max. Again, thank you for opening my eyes to much more. I do want to support him and I do want to be there for him, but I have to go at his own pace.

 

[Freida]

but how am I able to give him the space he needs to figure it out on his own when I'm worried if he's okay or not?

oh hun..... Nope. Apples and Oranges. you will probably hate this -- but my need for space trumps my supporters need to worry about me because I can't do both. I can either deal with my own emotions or deal with yours. If I have to deal with yours then mine are going to build until they explode - and then things get complicated.

you are not hearing him and that is not helping him.
you are hearing him but ignoring his request for space.

This is a great thought. I get that you don't like what you are hearing --which is understandable because it doesn't make sense to a normal person. but. there you have the fun filled world of ptsd. what I say and what my supporters hear are sometimes very different.

I consider giving my vet space a loving act. He needs it and I give it to him, no questions asked

yes!! This ^^^^^ Dont make me explain then - we can talk later. Let me go, so that i can come back.

 

[Jay02]

Hi everyone. I've posted quite a lot in the past few days and it's helped a lot with the many great responses I've received.

Anyway, my boyfriend has recently gotten a flashback. It took him about a day for him to tell me that he had a flashback and that he just "needs time to flush it out." I give him his space because I know that this is something he has to deal with on his own...

I text him about 2-3 times a day when he's like this. They're just little reminders that I'm here for him, that I love him, and that I hope he's doing okay. He just reads them, and I've learned not to expect a response. However, my question is... am I not giving him the space he needs? I feel like I'm annoying him, hounding him, and being very... Invasive.

 

[Friday]

However, my question is... am I not giving him the space he needs? I feel like I'm annoying him, hounding him, and being very... Invasive.

People need & want different things.

My go-to especially in new relationships, but also in established ones... is to do what makes you happy. Because either that will work, or it won’t, and better to know sooner rather than later if there’s a problem... and because you’re dating not parenting.