How to help boyfriend???

[Jay02]

Hi. So, my boyfriend just told me that a Marine he trained had died and he shut down on me. I expected that he would shut me out, but he mentioned that he felt like a failure and that he's just really tired... He mentioned this about two weeks ago as well.

I tried to make him feel better by saying that he wasn't a failure and how great of a man I think he is and an even more amazing boyfriend. I knew that he wouldn't reply, so there was no surprise when he didn't.

I just want some advice as to how to help him... I know space is a major factor, but are there other ways as well?

Thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Space is a good thing. I think it’s ok to check in every so often and say you’re there for him, but try not to push. Even well intentioned “help” can be stress. Tonight my guy kept offering “help” to me and he wasn’t taking “no” for an answer until I snapped and loudly said “I SAID NO!” Point being, it’s ok to offer but if he doesn’t take you up on it, let it go.

 

[Jay02]

Space is a good thing. I think it’s ok to check in every so often and say you’re there for him, but try not to push. Even well intentioned “help” can be stress. Tonight my guy kept offering “help” to me and he wasn’t taking “no” for an answer until I snapped and loudly said “I SAID NO!” Point being, it’s ok to offer but if he doesn’t take you up on it, let it go.

He ended up just replying with "good looks" (as in, good looking out since I said if he wanted to vent and have a listening ear, I would be there). I told him I loved him and that was it. I just hope he is okay and that what ever I told him (ie. how he's amazing, he did everything he could, etc.) did anything BUT not help him. Thank you for giving me some advice! I truly appreciate it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it’s important to remember that sometimes knowing someone is there for us is more than enough. We don’t always need advice, or even hands on help. I know it can be frustrating for a supportive person to feel like they are not doing enough, as they want us to feel better, they want to be able to take our pain away.

Are you able to have a conversation with him when he is doing better about what things you can do to help him when he is down, or in an episode?

When I am feeling ok, my guy and I discuss ways that he can help me when I’m in an episode. Some of these things are warm and fuzzy, others are slamming down the hard boundaries, that quite frankly piss me off when they happen, but when I level out again I realize it was for my own good.

 

[Jay02]

I think it’s important to remember that sometimes knowing someone is there for us is more than enough. We don’t always need advice, or even hands on help. I know it can be frustrating for a supportive person to feel like they are not doing enough, as they want us to feel better, they want to be able to take our pain away.

Are you able to have a conversation with him when he is doing better about what things you can do to help him when he is down, or in an episode?

When I am feeling ok, my guy and I discuss ways that he can help me when I’m in an episode. Some of these things are warm and fuzzy, others are slamming down the hard boundaries, that quite frankly piss me off when they happen, but when I level out again I realize it was for my own good.

I think I will have to have a conversation with him about what steps that I could take when it happens again. We have had it briefly but that was early on in the relationship, so I think we may have to revisit it again.

Thank you.