How To Know That They're Not The Same?

[RiseAbove]

I have a really bad history with men. I make shitty choices. The problem is that I usually don't see the signs until it's way too late. I think all the long relationships I've had has been abusive to some degree.
So I'm naturally quite sceptical. I'm looking for the signs. I met a guy in a study group last week and my alarm system went off like never before, so that's a good thing. I guess.

But now I've started talking to this new man. And I haven't been single for that long, only a few months, but I really like him. He seems like he has a good spirit. At least he presents himself in that way.
I feel silly writing it, but I haven't actually met the man yet, we're friends on Facebook and has mutual friends in my city. He lives a few hours away from me.
We've been talking throughout the day for a few days, and he's always the one to initiate the contact. He's extremely open and sharing private things from his life, and makes me feel comfortable sharing from my own life. He says very nice things to me and also compliments me, although he has not said explicitly that he's interested, but it seems pretty clear.
But then I get paranoid. Cause what if this is a love bombing phase? Right? I don't know what's normal, that's my problem. He's showering me with attention. Should I be worried?
The last thing I want is to waste another second on a person with no good intentions.
How do you know?

 

[Gs172003]

You don't. I was with my husband for a long danged time before his porn addiction came out. It was three and a half years before he started treating me different. It was after we got married before he started backing off and acting "strange". Too much to get into detail about. I thought I was careful. However he is trying to get better now and I guess that's all that is important.

That said, why do you need to be with anybody right now? You just got out of a relationship. A bad one. Why don't you work on you and learn to be on your own for a while and THEN worry about the other stuff?

 

[RiseAbove]

Thank you! Yeah, I know you're probably right. My mind says I should focus on myself and heal. Maybe I'm addicted to being with someone, I don't know.
It's just so scary to think about the fact that you can never actually know. Really scary.

 

[Casey_03]

I don't think there's ever a sure fire way to know if someone is abusive. As you probably know, abusers often seem very sweet and kind at first, and the real signs can show much later. I think the more important thing is that you keep your boundaries in place and take things slowly. There's nothing wrong with talking to this guy, but I would advise you to hold back on sharing too many deeply personal things about yourself at first or giving too much of yourself to him. I've dated more abusers than normal guys and have the same problem you do -- I only notice the signs when it's too late and I seem to attract abusers. But the one time I dated an actually decent guy, I got to know him for about two years before we actually got involved. So I think it's really more a matter of time and patience than anything else.

 

[Casey_03]

Also, if your last relationship was abusive or unhealthy, a few months really doesn't seem like enough time to get your head on straight. So I agree with @missy meier that you should focus on yourself.

 

[Gs172003]

Sorry I think I have you mixed up with another poster. Either way work on yourself. Let the rest fall into place so the flags come up sooner

 

[Glo809]

Greetings

If your inner self has reservations, then slow down.

I am an introvert and I pace alot before I make initial contact, being rejected scares me.

Just my 2 cents.
G

 

[RiseAbove]

Greetings

If your inner self has reservations, then slow down.

I am an introvert and I pace alot befor...

I think my worry here is that I don't have too much reservations and then my mind tells me "Hey! Wait a minute! Stop!" cause I'm scared it will repeat itself and I don't have any normal relationships or the like to compare with. I feel like diving into it because it feels so comfortable, but then I start to question WHY it feels so comfortable. Does that even make sense? I'm worried he's manipulating me into just giving all of myself at once, because I don't know why I feel like I really want to do that. I'm really paranoid when it comes to people, especially men.

I'm an introvert too, and usually like to take my time getting to know someone.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm super confused and my head is just spinning.
I should take my time. I know. Thank you guys.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@RiseAbove First of all, I agree with the others that you need to focus more on yourself. My other concern.... This guy is someone that you are talking with that is on Facebook, but you've never met...... Many times, people are not who you think they are, so be very wary.

 

[shimmerz]

How do you know?

Say no or disappoint him somehow. See how he reacts. It is easy (very) to be fabulous when all is going well.

 

[sarahx]

I venture to say perhaps you already do "know" something is off. Deep in your gut, which is why you were able to write this post. It might be something about him that reveals itself in time, and/or it might be something about yourself at this time -- for example, it might just be the wrong timing. Maybe you're not ready to be dealing with relationships right now.

The true nature of the situation will reveal itself at some point, good or bad. What you are going through is extremely common though, so don't beat yourself up. You are actually doing the right thing by being aware and trying to find patterns/signs/red flags in the guy as well as in your own behavior. It will take time to learn how to finally stop engaging with the wrong types of men, but you are working on it. One of the best ways to really save yourself time and drama and pain is to stay single for a much longer period of time. If you can't learn to be alone by yourself for a substantial stretch of time, you will always recreate some sort of codependent/false/abusive/empty relationship. A lot of people only stay single for a couple months, and essentially keep engaging with the types of men who aren't the full package/ don't represent a real healthy relationship. On the other hand, some people just need to get it out of their system, almost like an addiction, where they need to hit rock bottom to wake up and stop the pattern for good. This means, for example, dating another 4 guys over the next year all while being fully aware that they are not healthy relationships. The benefit of that is that you can learn a massively long list of patterns in men and* in yourself to avoid, and at that point take the time to be single and really internalize it all, learn to provide love/attention/acceptance to yourself, and then somewhere down the line you'll be able to have a healthy, honest, loving relationship. I use to keep a journal of my dating experiences and and logging all of the details over time really sharpened my radar for abusers, slackers, phonies, flakes, narcissists, and all sorts of folks who simply have not done "the work" to resolve their own childhood traumas and negative behavior etc, and would end up making your life suck for it. You name it! I also kept mental notes of details from stories of friends who ended up with the wrong types of men, and read probably hundreds of articles and several books on these issues just because I care too much about myself to waste any more of my life, heart, and energy with someone who doesn't deserve it. So I just wanted to share those ideas with you. You're definitly on the right path. You don't have to call yourself "paranoid".... you are learning to be "wise and cautious" because you know you deserve real love.