How To Not Be Angry?

[anthony]

MT, some is a time thing, some is just talking about it, and working through thoughts. Its not about providing solutions, but more about just throwing thoughts, perceptions and ideas around, and sometimes bits and pieces from that sort of writing helps to find a solution that works for you. Nobody can find a solution for you, only you can do that, instead bouncing ideas and thoughts is the way you do that for yourself, because self analysis is a fine art, one which very few posses. We all need to bounce our thoughts and perceptions of others, which in turn often someone will provide their experience, or thoughts on the matter, and more often than not, something will click for you.

Lets start talking about the exact conflictions within you, isolate them, list them if you can, then lets bounce things around...

 

[mac]

"Your anger is a gift!" -Rage Against The Machine

 

[metaphase twig]

Reality vs. what I want

The basis of all my conflicts is the struggle between what I want and what reality is. I want for him and I to be friends, the reality is, restraining-orders do not good friends make…and how is it logical to be friends with someone who was emotionally, physically, sexually abusive? It’s not. So I feel obligated to be stuck in the no-contact with him box.

And that’s how it is with everything. I want for him to stop talking smack about me, but I can’t control what he writes/thinks/lies about.

I want for him to undo what he’s done to me…to apologize or acknowledge what he’s done, but I know he won’t, he can’t. I want him to acknowledge all I did for him and our life together…to hear one small “Thank you†or that it mattered to him. I know that won’t happen either because he’s disordered. And I want for him to say to me, “Thank you for standing by meâ€â€”when he had a huge breakdown, nobody, and I mean nobody stood by him, but me. And even when he was choking on dinner at his parent’s place, nobody cared, but me…nobody was shocked, upset or anything…just me. And I deserve to hear him say just one time, “Thank you for loving me.†But I know that he can’t—he’s disordered. And it breaks me up inside knowing he’s sick, can’t be fixed, and I’ll never hear what I need to hear from him.

And I guess a part of it is that I can’t fully wrap my brain around him being mentally ill. He has a genius level IQ, he has two degrees from uni, and he works in computer IT…he’s obviously smart enough to function and hold down a job. And he plays cricket for his old private school in Adelaide, and has been on a footy team since like forever—so he can function in a team setting (although I learned that nobody really likes him). And he’s luring in all kinds of people on the internet with his charm and lies. He’s a highly functioning narcissist…I just can’t fully grasp how someone so ill can seemingly function so well in society. My mind is having problems fully embracing the fact that he is so very sick, but can get by without being outed or caught.

And on a similar level, I have to fully grasp that our relationship truly didn’t mean anything to him. All the years together, everything we did, it all means absolutely nothing to him. He can and has written me off as though I never existed…except when he’s bitching about me to the net freaks. It’s very disheartening to realize that while I’m not only hurting from abuse, and the dissolution of our marriage and the realization that he was nothing he was pretending to be…he has completely deleted me from his brain as though I never existed. Not a tear shed for our anniversary (which was last week); no sadness over the life we lost and the shattered dreams. Nothing…….just eptiness.

I realize that I have to stop the “wanting†and the need for things to be other than what they are. It’s just taking me a while to get over it.

 

[anthony]

I want for him and I to be friends, the reality is, restraining-orders do not good friends make…and how is it logical to be friends with someone who was emotionally, physically, sexually abusive? It’s not.

MT, your raising your concern, your then answering your concern, but you are not coming to terms with your decision. You want you both to be friends, yet you comprehend that he is sick, then also that he abused you and provided this trauma upon you. I don't think the healthy option is to be confusing yourself more at this state, but instead come to terms with the fact, the relationship is over, and you don't have control over him, only you. It is your decision to hate him, care for him or love him, but it is not your decision, nor within your control, to make him do any of these things. We can blame ourselves, we can punish ourselves for relationship matters, but at the end of the day, he doesn't want to be with you, and that you must just accept. He is ill, you know this, you accept this, yet you won't accept that this illness is preventing him being a more human human being towards you.

You need to take another look at this, and look at yourself within, in that you are the one putting everything out for him, to be friends, he is not, but you are the one still suffering because you want something he is not capable of giving you, an apology or thank you. If you know within yourself that you did good, then that is all that matters. Self esteem is not about what others think or project upon us, but what we project and believe within ourselves. Others can easily deteoriate our self esteem, or we can look within and know we are a better person for just being us, being honest within ourselves, and that we cannot fix nor control what any other individual does, thinks or acts upon this planet. We are only in control off ourselves, so we need to work with what we can control, and dismiss what we cannot.

And on a similar level, I have to fully grasp that our relationship truly didn’t mean anything to him. All the years together, everything we did, it all means absolutely nothing to him.

Now this is presumptious of you though, and you must remember that we cannot think for others, instead all we can do is ask. It is not a matter of what you think he thinks, but what he does actually think. If he mentioned these words to you, then these are no longer your thoughts, but facts, being his words. This doesn't mean they are accurate and true of meaning though, because we all say things we don't necessarily mean during relationship breakdowns, good and bad.

If he is ill, he may be so that he cannot understand the choices he makes, though he can make choices, just not the best ones for him, but his illness could impede his decisions, the same as PTSD impedes a sufferers decisions and actions.

 

[Linda]

For me, anger is a HUGE problem. It is a burden. Even in the cases when I know it is right to be mean, I would not like to get so emotional. My counselor suggested that the anger might be the defence reaction (when in danger, getting angry in order to response to an enemy). She advised to make my environment safer. I think she may be right, because the anger problem was not so bad for me when I was in a very safe place for a while. I did not try to do anything yet, but am planning to.
So, may be just making your place safer for you, in whatever way you feel it safer, will help with the anger?
Good luck.