How To Please A Psychologist??

[Cusumbo Solo]

Hi - can anyone please help me? I think my psychologist is not happy with my progress and I am really scared of disappointing him... what sort of things should I say to make him feel like he is doing a good job? I dont want to go anywhere else again or tell my story again. He sent an email today saying that if i keep thinking i am crazy or doubting his competence - he can't help me. He said he wont support conversations like that any longer. He said he will also only see me for the one hour a week (no email or phone support inbetween) ... I have asked before if he "cares" about me - and he said "fluidly" like sometimes in therapy session he does and sometimes he doesn't. He is very academically focussed...I feel like he doesn't even want clients.

 

[Philippa]

Firstly, your progress isn't supposed to be about pleasing your psychologist. Perhaps you might want to look at why you feel the need to please him so much?

You are paying him to help you with your issues. It's not about whether he is pleased or disappointed, it's about whether HE is helping you progress or not.

If you feel like he doesn't even want clients, and you are more of an annoyance to him, then is that really someone you want to be getting assistance with?

It's very hard to advise you here, as I don't have the full context of your relationship with him, and am aware that you are only sharing a very small part of your interactions, but it sounds like he feels that you are not having any faith in his ability to help you and keep thinking you are crazy despite him trying to show you that you aren't...from what you've written anyway, that is what I have deduced...but I might be wrong about that.

It shouldn't be about you reassuring him that he is doing a good job or not, and if you genuinely don't feel that he is, it's definitely not something you should be trying to convince him of.

It might help if we had a better idea of your relationship with him, but I think what I've said so far is the basic alarm bells that are ringing for me here.

Do you actually trust that he can help you? If not, then why waste your time and his trying to praise him for a job well done when that isn't how you really feel? I think his answer to your question about whether he cares about you or not, was an honest one at the very least. That should count for something, right?

 

[Cusumbo Solo]

Thanks. Appreciate the response. I think you are right with what you have said.

The reason he kept me on at the beginning is because "he could see the good progress I made" ...and now no seem to be a bit stuck. He seems frustrated with that. I want to please him - because I don't want to start all over again with someone else. And I will feel like I have failed at yet another relationship. Maybe he is trying to get me "unstuck" and out of my current rut.

I have never said I doubt his ability - but did send him an academic paper on what does/doesn't make a good therapist (and said I felt he was a mix of the points raised) - think he may have got offended. He is very academic and dry...and likes to be right I guess. He is certainly very intelligent. I just feel pressured now to have "snapped" out of it.

Next session he said we will start to look at flashbacks and nightmares. What will he likely ask do you think?

 

[Abstract]

Hmm... I am not sure about this. I can understand him wanting to find some way to help you snap out of being stuck in these things if you are but wonder how useful it is to essentially attempt to force you to change. Both thinking we are crazy and doubting the T's competence can be a way of avoiding speaking about other things even when we don't realise it. It can also be because of we have had a lot of hurt in the past and don't trust easily. And lastly one can doubt the T's competence because they are not helping us or are not competent.

My concern is mostly about the competence issue as what he is doing almost silences any possibility of you questioning him long term which seems extremely problematic and possibly damaging. And running on from this, I am not sure if you have complex trauma or not but if you have then working out these issues in T is a very important part of therapy and these tactics seem very unhelpful. This is absolutely not about getting your t to like you and needing to please ones T can be an issue itself that needs to be addressed in T.

Do you think you have a good enough connection or relationship for you to really gain from T with him? I have to say that, without being there to hear the nuances, it sounds problematic. Is there any chance you are misunderstanding the gist of this? Have you asked him directly if this is what he means? It might be worthwhile discussing exactly what was said here to make sure there is not another slant on this. If this is what he meant then I think if it was me I would look for someone new. Good luck.

PS. Sorry as I think we were posting at the same time. I will say that he shouldn't be letting his personal feelings interfere with his treatment of you. I hope you can work this out for you.

 

[Cusumbo Solo]

Yeah - you are right...like I feel my only option from now on is to progress (which is a good thing) but to hide any struggles. He wrote an email today to say this stuff (didn't say it to me face to face) - and also said that he can only offer an hour a week. No phone or emails inbetween. He said I am welcome to email him - if it helps - but he won't read them - just delete them.

 

[Abstract]

I think it's quite tough to do it in a letter and not face to face. Maybe he is just doing that as a first step and expects to discuss it next session.

I also think the email issue is a tricky one. Normally it is about boundaries. I am not sure what you have been doing so far. T's can think that it is not good for us if there are no clear boundaries. Did he initially say it was OK or did it just start happening? How many times were you contacting him in-between sessions? Had he first said that two sessions a week were recommended or did that just happen too? T's have supervision so it is possible he has been advised to have better boundaries but again this seems quite absolute considering you are starting work on flashbacks. Especially for those of us with complex trauma because we need to feel that someone really cares about us to feel safe enough to share and trust.

I think feeling you need to get unstuck is useful but not feeling it is OK to share concerns, struggles or to question him seems unhelpful to me.

When you gave him the research on what helps in T and said which he does and does not do it seems it should have been a really good opportunity for him to look at what he could change to help you more. What were the things you identified at that point that you would like him to change about the way he relates to you?

 

[Philippa]

Thanks. Appreciate the response. I think you are right with what you have said.
The reason he kept me on at the beginning is because "he could see the good progress I made" ...and now no seem to be a bit stuck. He seems frustrated with that.

As a therapist, I would think that he would be more understanding that progress can wax and wane, and that becoming stuck, after a period of progress is absolutely natural in any growth process. We all have times where we get stuck.

I want to please him - because I don't want to start all over again with someone else. And I will feel like I have failed at yet another relationship. Maybe he is trying to get me "unstuck" and out of my current rut.

I can understand your reasons, but you can't force it to work with someone that might not be right for you just because you want to save yourself the rigamorole of having to go through it all again. Putting pressure on you to become unstuck, to me, does not sound like the best strategy at all. Accepting that you are a bit stuck right now, and working with that, might be a better way?

I have never said I doubt his ability - but did send him an academic paper on what does/doesn't make a good therapist (and said I felt he was a mix of the points raised) - think he may have got offended. He is very academic and dry...and likes to be right I guess. He is certainly very intelligent. I just feel pressured now to have "snapped" out of it.

Ah, yeah, that might have sounded like you were assessing him and doubting his competence...but there might also be a bit of insecurity of his own about his own competence that is present here, which he might be projecting onto you? I don't really know, but transference is common amongst therapists and client, and it is something to watch out for.

Honestly, it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong by showing him that sheet, but it does sound like he did not appreciate you questioning his competence. I guess that is an honest reaction, but it also sounds a little like he might be thinking you are blaming him for you being stuck, and now he feels pressured to get you unstuck, and you are also feeling pressured. Basically, there seems to be a lot of friction there, and not much flow.

The fact that you feel pressured to "perform' for him, makes me wonder whether it is your own co-dependency at work here, or whether he is actually fostering this in you, as part of his own trip?

If he is very cerebral to start with and has to be right, then it might be difficult. It doesn't sound like he fosters a very safe environment for you to ask questions about your own progression. That might be something to look at?

Next session he said we will start to look at flashbacks and nightmares. What will he likely ask do you think?

Having not gone to a therapist as yet, I have no idea what he might ask you.

 

[Tanishq]

My opinion is little bit different. If you feel like you have to please your T., I think it is better to leave that T. It won't be helpful in future. I don't think so. Pleasing mindset is like giving your all power away to them. You are going with therapist to get your all power back. Not to give away and be stuck in your problems.

Rejecting you/setting too many boundaries will raise more issues in my opinion. It doesn't sound helpful to you.

 

[Philippa]

I agree with jaret, that it is a disempowering stance to take in the first place, and it is also going to create a power imbalance in the relationship, especially if he starts to feel that you do indeed owe it to him to please him and not disappoint.

So he is frustrated that you aren't moving past being stuck and your focus is on trying to please him, instead of growing past your issues. Doesn't that sound like you both have your heads in different places?

I don't know, it really sounds like you might be projecting your own father issues onto your therapist? I might be wrong there?

 

[Tanishq]

I don't know, it really sounds like you might be projecting your own father issues onto your therapist? I might be wrong there?

Sorry Philippa, are you telling me this? I got little bit confused. I looked at this thread, Cusumbo Solo hasn't talked about father anywhere.

 

[Abstract]

Many people feel they need to please their T myself included. For me I have those issues in other relationships and so it comes up in T too. But that is what therapy is about. That is what therapy is supposed to do.

But it means a T needs to be patient and work with us to learn to trust ourselves and relate differently. I have had masses of T over my lifetime and much of it wasn't good or good for me and I wish I had known more and trusted myself more way back. I have now read up massively and feel much more prepared. Often it isn't even about whether a T is "good" or "bad" but rather whether they are right for us. But the first step is always to have an honest and direct conversation with the person and see if it can be worked out. Because that is also what we should do in all relationships. T is like a school for other areas of our lives. Especially with complex trauma.

But his approach of saying it is not Ok to question him would make almost anyone end up in a trying to please mode. Like recovery shotgun style.

 

[Philippa]

Sorry Philippa, are you telling me this? I got little bit confused. I looked at this thread, Cusumbo Solo hasn't talked about father anywhere.

No, I wasn't telling this to you jaret, I know you don't have a therapist, and I realise that Cusumbo Solo hasn't mentioned her father, so I may be wrong there...it just seemed like it might have been a dynamic that was playing out, that's all.