How To Please A Psychologist??

[Philippa]

Many people feel they need to please their T myself included. For me I have those issues in other relationships and so it comes up in T too. But that is what therapy is about. That is what therapy is supposed to do.

Thanks for helping me understand this better Abstract. I haven't actually been to a therapist other than a few sessions with an art therapist that I stopped for financial reasons.

It's also why I had the idea that it might be Cusumbo having father issues, as I think that all relationships we have can stem back to our parental ones...at least that is what I have noticed in many of my own relationships.

But it means a T needs to be patient and work with us to learn to trust ourselves and relate differently.

Yeah, I think this is important too.

But his approach of saying it is not Ok to question him would make almost anyone end up in a trying to please mode. Like recovery shotgun style.

That is pretty much what I was trying to get at, though I think you were able to say it more effectively than I did.

 

[JustBe]

I think I would feel intimidated and shut down if my Therapist was so forceful. JMO

 

[NarcSis]

Is it possible that what he's actually trying to do is break what he views as a developing codependency? If this is the case, the challenge to you then is to learn to function on your own in small measures. Just my opinion but I think it's something you should consider.

Also, I know it's difficult but part of a successful therapy dynamic is the ability to be open and honest - with yourself and your therapist. If something he's doing or saying makes you upset, you have the right to call him on it. I don't mean phone call, I mean bring it up in session; the goal of this type of discourse is actually to re-establish your self assertiveness.

Good luck, I hope all works out for you.

 

[Tanishq]

No, I wasn't telling this to you jaret

Thanks for clarification Philippa. :)

 

[JustBe]

the goal of this type of discourse is actually to re-establish your self assertiveness.

Hmmm,hadn't considered that. Good point.

 

[Cusumbo Solo]

Thanks everyone. First time I have posted a question - wasn't sure if anyone would answer.
What is co-dependency? Maybe I have this.
Maybe also the father issues. Who knows?
He is a good man trying to help.
But I want him to care and he says if he cares or not is irrelevant.
I can't make myself see that though - I think knowing someone cares is essential to building trust and healing.
It will also be boundary setting - as I have none.

 

[Philippa]

I'm sure there are threads on here somewhere that talk about co-dependency, but you can also google it, and I would suggest you do read up and learn as much as possible, because you might find a lot of things you relate to there. We're all co-dependant in certain ways, and until we start looking at it honestly, and with self-awareness, and a willingness to heal from it, things will stay the same. Stepping out of it is a better option though, IMO.

I guess you have to remember that your therapist has probably seen quite a lot of people in his time, and also has a few that he sees straight before and after he sees you, so it may be hard for him to give what you consider to be the right kind of caring for you.

Asking him straight out if he cares doesn't really ensure that you will get caring from him though...it can usually be intuited through the persons manner of handling you, as to whether they sufficiently care about your recovery and well-being.

If that is not felt, then that is your answer.

 

[Springer80]

Hi,

This guy sounds very cerebral and in my own experience the process is more physical, alot of grief and acceptance, you can' think those processes to make them go faster. Like when a teenager gets growing pains or someones partner dies, its not something they are in control of you can't reason with it. Your right CS, caring is THE most important thing.

IMO recovery is emotional and physical first and intellect just does the tiding up after, follow our own gut.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

Your job in therapy is not to please your therapist, in fact, it's probably a good thing that you make him angry, because then he ends up questioning his own profession and have better sessions with you. But if then again you have to ask yourself, why is it so important to please your therapist? And that's something you might want to talk with your therapist about as well. In fact if you are questioning his competence, and he is taking it as almost an insult, it's probably not a good thing that he is doing this. A therapist would usually question why you question their competence. And then answer usually truthfully afterward if they can see why you have questioned it.

It only improves how successful your sessions can go. As far as I see it, I try not to hide feelings that I have for my therapist for any longer than a week. If the hard feelings dissipate within a week then I don't bring them up in session.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, a therapist should have a bit more of a thicker skin, and not take your questioning them so personally, and they definitely should not be having a go at you for questioning them. If you are looking for someone who is caring of your emotional processes, picking a very cerebral person to start with probably isn't the best way to get your needs met.

 

[maddog]

As with any interpersonal relationship, there are so many complicated human variables at play in a therapeutic relationship that it's impossible to really analyse or understand it looking in from the outside. And the complicating factors of transferrence that are almost inevitable, at some point and to some degree, with trauma therapy, make it even harder to offer any constructive or accurate assessment of the situation.

Yes, I think ideally, we all want our T to "care" about us to some extent - it's hard to imagine trusting and opening up to someone who doesn't, and yet there are issues of professional boundaries that need to be adhered to, for your sake as much as the T's.

Yes, it seems important that any T should be open to criticism and being questioned, yet again, there are issues of professionalism, boundary setting etc that do play a role in whether or not our Ts really do know better than we do about certain things.

My personal reaction to your T's comments and behaviour isn't a positive one, but in the end, it's only you and he who have to be ok with the relationship, and where there are concerns or tensions or misunderstandings, the only way to try to resolve them is to raise them openly for frank and full discussion. If either party refuses to do that, I think that's a pretty bright red flag of it not being a functional relationship, but where there is communication, even if it is somewhat tense and not always amicable, there is at least the potential for progress.

I say all that to say that if you're uncomfortable, as hard as it is, biting the bullet and telling it to him, much as you've told it here, is probably the only way forward. The way forward may turn out to be a healthier stronger relationship, or it might be a new T, but there's only one way to know...

I am sorry you're struggling with this. Therapy is tough enough anyway without struggling with the relationship with your T, so I hope you can resolve this to your satisfaction soon.

Maddog

 

[Cusumbo Solo]

Thank you everyone. It has helped me a lot to hear your views. I know that if I even tried to discuss this he would shut it down. I think his view is that it is irrelevant to my healing and recovery. All weekend (am in new Zealand!) I have swang from thinking it is all boundary setting and I need to fall in line and- to stop saying I feel crazy or struggle with his approach.

Then I just feel sick to my stomach thinking about the session on Monday. What do I say, how do I act? And what if he says to me that he no longer wants to work with me (I would take that as rejection). It all is stirring me up and I hate it.