Hi Cusumbo,
I know these things can be very painful and confusing. I also believe that it is seldom a cut and dried situation where the T is wrong/bad or right/good. There are usually a mass of complex issues that become entangled and play a part. The only important part of this then is how you actually feel. You feel what you feel. Neither your T or you can magic that away.
What I think is most important, despite it being really difficult, is to check with your T that your perspective or understanding of what you think he meant is correct. We can't mind read and sadly it is easy for human beings to misunderstand each other as we are all unique. Also the intense feelings from the past can affect understanding and meaning too.
The other truth is that just pretending you don't have these feelings or questions does not work. In order to speak about the horrible trauma stuff we need to feel secure in the T relationship. At the moment you don't.
I think if you do try to talk about this directly, clearly and assertively and he does shut you down and not take it seriously then you have a problem here. Nothing else is truly a problem as as Maddog said there is much that can be worked out and many undercurrents that can cause discord in the T relationship. But you need to be able to have open communication to have effective safe and helpful T. His ego and your need for him to like you or fear of loosing the relationship are not things that should interfere with that.
Would you feel comfortable actually sharing the letter with us as that may help to get others perspective? I would also still be interested to hear what qualities as T you found lacking in him in the paper you gave him.
As for boundaries, from what you say it seems that maybe you have poor boundaries. Having fixed rules about interacting (emails phone calls etc) is good T practice regardless but if you have problems knowing where boundaries should be and keeping them it is very important he has definite rules in place for you. It's not so much about dependence and more about good safe T practice and helping you to learn boundaries. But that really does not answer this problem of it not being OK to bring up your questions, concerns or to question him. If that is true and if it is what he meant then that isn't healthy.
As for feeling he cares for you. For some of us our T's could stand on their heads ad turn purple and we still would not trust that they care. But we need to have the option of discussing everything and anything. Yes getting stuck in ruminating over issues is not healthy but from from you say here it does not seem that you have been doing that.
One question. You said you made great progress first of all and more recently become stuck. If you had to identify one reason for becoming stuck in T then what would it be? What changed for you?
Hopefully you can work this out but I really think keeping quiet isn't going to do it sadly.
I know these things can be very painful and confusing. I also believe that it is seldom a cut and dried situation where the T is wrong/bad or right/good. There are usually a mass of complex issues that become entangled and play a part. The only important part of this then is how you actually feel. You feel what you feel. Neither your T or you can magic that away.
What I think is most important, despite it being really difficult, is to check with your T that your perspective or understanding of what you think he meant is correct. We can't mind read and sadly it is easy for human beings to misunderstand each other as we are all unique. Also the intense feelings from the past can affect understanding and meaning too.
The other truth is that just pretending you don't have these feelings or questions does not work. In order to speak about the horrible trauma stuff we need to feel secure in the T relationship. At the moment you don't.
I think if you do try to talk about this directly, clearly and assertively and he does shut you down and not take it seriously then you have a problem here. Nothing else is truly a problem as as Maddog said there is much that can be worked out and many undercurrents that can cause discord in the T relationship. But you need to be able to have open communication to have effective safe and helpful T. His ego and your need for him to like you or fear of loosing the relationship are not things that should interfere with that.
Would you feel comfortable actually sharing the letter with us as that may help to get others perspective? I would also still be interested to hear what qualities as T you found lacking in him in the paper you gave him.
As for boundaries, from what you say it seems that maybe you have poor boundaries. Having fixed rules about interacting (emails phone calls etc) is good T practice regardless but if you have problems knowing where boundaries should be and keeping them it is very important he has definite rules in place for you. It's not so much about dependence and more about good safe T practice and helping you to learn boundaries. But that really does not answer this problem of it not being OK to bring up your questions, concerns or to question him. If that is true and if it is what he meant then that isn't healthy.
As for feeling he cares for you. For some of us our T's could stand on their heads ad turn purple and we still would not trust that they care. But we need to have the option of discussing everything and anything. Yes getting stuck in ruminating over issues is not healthy but from from you say here it does not seem that you have been doing that.
One question. You said you made great progress first of all and more recently become stuck. If you had to identify one reason for becoming stuck in T then what would it be? What changed for you?
Hopefully you can work this out but I really think keeping quiet isn't going to do it sadly.
