How To Separate From Parents

[Catlovers141]

I am 25 years old, and have gone through a number of things both recently and in the past that are really leading me to want some more separation from my family. My family is superficially close, and my mother wants to hear from me in some way every day, and we see each other once per week. This seems like a lot, but this is actually less than other parts of my family, who have daily phone conversations and see each other several times a week.

My mother is a narcissist, and my father enables her. My mother does not usually go out of her way to be hurtful, but will not go out of her way to support me either. Everything is about her. If it will not benefit her, she will not do it. This has led to a lot of negative experiences growing up.

Perhaps the worst experience (or maybe just the last straw) happened about a month ago. I believe I was sexually abused by her brother when I was very little. I told my aunt (his wife). My parents don't believe me, or support me in this. My aunt has cut off contact, and my uncle is threatening to tell the whole family what I said "to clear his name" even though I had no plans to tell any of these people. My mother has asked me to find some way to make it up to him, as she is concerned that her relationship with my aunt and uncle cannot be repaired. My father has not asked these things of me, but I am disappointed by some of his lack of reaction.

Since that time (the day after I told my aunt), they have not talked about it with me. They've essentially pushed it under the rug. They want to spend time with me as usual, and talk about our usual topics, and I've been going along with this, but I feel really uncomfortable. I feel horribly betrayed by both of them, especially my mother, and I don't like pretending that things are okay when they are not.

I need some space from my parents right now, both because I want some time to figure out what to do with my relationship with them, and because it simply hurts to be around them. But they don't understand why what they did is hurtful -- they think I'm having false memories, so what's wrong with saying they don't believe me?

I just don't know how to approach this. Up to this point, I've been going along with what they want, but I do not want to do this forever.

 

[ladee]

@Catlovers141 , many of us feel that way here. Of course it is a personal decision, but I cut ties with my sisters many years ago. No one has to keep walking into toxic situations just because they are family.
You are a grown woman, but you also deserve respect and support. If you can't get it from your family, you will get it here.
Prayers for you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

[Catlovers141]

How have people actually separated? I'm not sure I want no contact at all at this point, but I do want it to be limited, and I'm not sure how to have that conversation and what is a healthy level of contact.

 

[ladee]

I will ask you if you have a Therapist? Because usually an issue such as this is something that takes time, someone knowing you, you being aware of triggers and what your limitations are. I am not trying to avoid your questions. and will be happy to share my own experience. But, would like to know if you have a T?
And would also like to ask you how much contact do you want with them ect. If you are clear on all that we will help if we can.

 

[Catlovers141]

I do have a therapist, with whom I have been working for about six years. We've started to talk about this issue more since what happened last month, and I'm torn between wanting family but not wanting to be around them. I think I like the idea of having them around, but when it actually happens I'm really unhappy. I think I'd like to decrease how often I see them, and how often I contact them. My mom wants to hear from me every day. I'd like to maybe go down to a couple times a week, and see them every few weeks rather than every week. I'm still kind of debating all of this with myself. Another thing my therapist has suggested is to just say I need a break and to go no contact for a month or two. I like that idea, but I worry about my parents getting really upset.

 

[ladee]

I understand how much distress you may be feeling. One of the hardest things to do is take care of our self... and that is what you would be doing. It is hard not to be concerned about an action you take, how well warranted, others will have feelings about it.... but in the end... they are responbile for how they react... you are responsible for you, and part of that is not being around people who keep you upset. Did your T share why she might like you to do it that way?

 

[Seasounds]

My thoughts:

1. Yes, your situation is unique. I hope my lived experience helps you see options. Keep in mind, 'what would be your ideal relationship with all of them?'; go about designing those. Anger and severing relationships often leads to long term losses; you might want to have a '2nd family' in the background for yourself, if you sever ties, so you still have community and support.

2. I am glad you stood by/with your memory. I've learned to know that it is my memory and no one else's, it is real; and after mentioning it, to stay with my truth, and not bring it up to any other family members a second time. You don't need their support to believe it. Obviously, the topic can be very difficult for everyone. It was helpful for me to be un-defensive and private about everything else, just working with my therapist.

3. I don't know about you, but speaking up about it to my father, released an entire level of anger-such a great relief. And he continued to deny it. My nightmares even stopped, about those events. Those were the perks.

4.. My sister got consistently more adamant that my memory was false (she was my father's protector) that I needed to let go of that relationship; she wanted to go so far as to reunite me with my father-not sure what she had in mind-, both of us or me apologizing?

5. Regarding your mom, can gentle clear boundaries work? I'm glad your siblings are in touch with her. It is a challenge to let go of kids, and you are right to let her know what is comfortable for you. You can care and can not be responsible for her pain. I had a narcissistic mother myself; I empathisize with your needs.

6. Regarding your father, as I often don't like how father's don't give an opinion, in your family at this time it is family preserving. It seems as if he actually want to have you around but, for him, to not add fuel to the fire.

7. It is refreshing to hear you think and articulate so clearly. Listening to your body, and creating the space you need, in a kind way, might be the way?

8. Your siblings may benefit from your continued communication, if it is within your comfort zone. Then when most of you are in your thirties there will be ties, maturity, and ease to speak about the hardships that are hard to speak about, when still under 21 or living at home.

9. 12 step Incest Survivor Groups were initially helpful to me. ( A few varieties will appear if you google search them.)

:hug:

 

[Catlovers141]

I understand how much distress you may be feeling. One of the hardest things to do is take care of our se...

I can't quite remember why my therapist talked about doing it that way. We talk about this off and on, and this was a while ago. I think because I had been talking about needing a break completely for awhile, and how it is hard for me to even get text messages from my mother. I think together we talked about needing some time to think about things away from them, and it kind of led into her suggesting no contact for a specified period of time. I'm probably going to talk to her about it again. I'm still debating what to do.

 

[Catlovers141]

My thoughts:

1. Yes, your situation is unique. I hope my lived experience helps you see options. Keep i...

Those are some good points. I think my struggle has been finding members of a "2nd family", so that is something I need to continue to work on. I think the way I would want to frame it to my parents is that I am feeling really hurt and need some space. I would hope that this wouldn't ruin relationships, but I feel like they're already bad. We look like we're getting along but it's all superficial and fake.

I think your thought about my dad is correct -- he doesn't like conflict, so I imagine that's the lack of response. Regarding my sister, she seems to be on the fence. I would like to continue to have a relationship with her that's essentially the same as what it is now. I am disappointed with my dad and his reaction, but mostly I want to separate from my mother. I'm trying to think of a thoughtful way to say these things. It feels like no matter what I say things will not end well.

The 12-step group sounds interesting -- I may check it out!

 

[Catlovers141]

Also, it's interesting that you mentioned that your nightmares got better after speaking out. For me, several of my symptoms spontaneously got better right after I told, with no specific effort to address them. Some of them have since gone back a little bit, so it's been like taking two steps forward and one step back, but I'm still left with that one step forward. For me, this helps it feel like this was the right decision to make regardless of what else is happening.

 

[Ava Jarvis]

Every situation is unique.

My father was violently abusive. He tried to kill me and my mother multiple times. And other terrible, horrible things. I tried to stay for my mother. I tried to get us both out, but my mother insisted on staying and actually started physically abusing me too when I insisted on getting us both away.

So just one of us got away and it was me.

Things got complicated because my father sent me death threats and my mother threatened to commit suicide if I didn't come back.

I didn't come back.

Then the stalking began...

Like I said, complicated. At 25 I managed to break contact completely, after 4 years of being stalked and being sent death threats. I had to go across the country and change my name and all sorts of things to do this. Sigh.

I don't think it sounds like your family would try to stalk you after you break contact with them. They probably wouldn't try to kill you. That simplifies matters in one sense. I know it complicates matters in other senses—even though my life was in danger, I was still reluctant to break contact. I can only imagine how much more reluctant one would be in a less life-endangering situation.

The practical matter of breaking ties:

Have money set aside for this. Support helps as well. Even I had support when I broke off contact, even though I later had to discard it because too many people turned out to be moles for my parents, and I couldn't sort through all of it until over a decade later.

Get another phone number and be ready to disconnect the old one, or be ready to change your number. I am not well-versed with less dysfunctional families, but I am certain that in almost all cases of contact breakage there will be a certain amount of triggering phone calls of relatives who will try to change your mind. Or just want to take this opportunity to scream at you. Human minds work in weird ways. Don't let them do that to you.

If your relatives know your work phone, and they have been calling your home phone incessantly, be extremely prepared to let work know about what's going down. Your relatives may turn to harassing you at work. I think this has a lower probability of happening for you than it did for me. Some work places will try to fire you though if you tell them about this stuff, but most places will definitely fire you if your relatives start coming to harass you. Be careful and judge your workplace appropriately, and judge your situation appropriately as well.

I have notes on absconding across the country. I don't think you'll need them? Let me know if you do. Also name changes and how to do them on the sly (even though the government technically doesn't allow you to do it on the sly). Mostly involves finding the newspaper with the tiniest circulation imaginable and putting your government-required notice in there.

Batman out.

 

[Sideways]

I know that for me, I struggle to put in the boundaries I need with my family because I still hold on to the idea of the family that I want them to be, which isn't (sadly) the same as the reality. Struggling to accept that.

From a more pragmatic perspective, if mum is a narcissist, setting your boundary (when you get there) in a way that sounds beneficial to her might make her more likely to respect the boundary. A bit of 'diplomacy' is required, and some people like to always be completely genuine about themselves and how they feel, in which case this strategy wouldn't work.

But I'm a no-conflict person when it comes to my family. I'll take a bit of the stress is it preserves the relationship from descending into open warfare, because I know that I'd lose out. I'd be the ostracised one, and that would be too painful (for me).

So setting boundaries with a narcissist would (for me) look something like, "I'm really struggling on the therapy front right now, and I don't think I'm up to healthy interactions with other people. I don't want to ruin my relationship with you, so if you could give me a couple of months to sort my stuff, that will mean that I don't wind up hurting you..."

Not all lies, but what you're mum will be hearing on the receiving end of something like that is "mum is critical to me, and I'd rather go without for a couple of months if it means a better relationship long term". All about her, and you "getting your head sorted" to benefit (and avoid hurting) her.

Not everyone's cup of tea. But I just can't face up to putting the hard line on my family and losing them all.

Either way, I hope you find a solution that helps with your well-being and your recovery.