How to tell your partner

[pam4him]

You mentioned the night terror " left him equally scared and genuinely concerned." I would think it would be a relief to know you were getting help, that there is a treatment plan you are working through. Keeping this from him could actually be more stressful for him. Communication is vital in marriage. Perhaps practice in the mirror telling him when he's not around. The more you hear yourself saying it, the easier it should become. Then arrange a quiet, relaxing dinner and tell him. He sounds like he will be supportive and there for you, but he can't do it if he doesn't know. Prayers for wisdom and peace.

 

[siniang]

Thank you all for your input and thoughts!

@Friday you're probably right that he knows. Though, I think, he usually attributes it to stress. But he did make a side comment a while ago about maybe truly something being "wrong" with me (when I mentioned that remark to T, she thought it was not nice, but I felt the complete opposite, namely that he doesn't think that I'm just being "difficult" - I really need to clear that up with T because I do think he meant it in a concerned kind of way, not derogatory; maybe it was a language barrier thing?)

I've been thinking about this some all day and it really comes down to this:

“What do I want them to do with this information?”

What do I expect him to do with that knowledge. What will it change?

Yes, it'll explain some of my behavior. But why does it feel like I'm just making excuses for being difficult? And, at least for now, it won't change my actual behavior, so it won't change the impact those behaviors have on him.

It'll show him that I'm truly trying to work on this, to get better. To change. To break free from this rat race that's been my past several years.

But beyond that? There's nothing on his part he can really do or help. As I mentioned, he has his own struggles, our life has its own struggles. I really don't want to burden him further than I already do (my anxiety, for example, is very exhausting for him as is, and it doesn't matter whether that has a label or explanation or not)

I guess at the end of the day it really comes down to me accepting my diagnoses, first. I'm fighting my own stigma.

 

[willhealeventually]

I find this a terribly difficult issue and I sympathise totally.

I got married without any disclosure because I had no idea there was anything to disclose.

Oh sure there were those memories and the alcohol and drug abuse and therapists but hey, it was the nineties?

Besides, we were going to be a family. (Insert slow motion train wreck here)

Fast forward 30 years.

: )

WTF?

We were married 10 or 15 years and I said "hunnie, I have these memories and I think they mean I was sexually abused as a child."

I was right.

So I'm not at all surprised you are in that situation. I think it's normal for us.

Whatever you do it won't be wrong.

I am wishing you receive understanding.

I completely relate to your story here...i had no idea i had anything to disclose.
Train wreck...
My partner responded by taking off and getting someone else who could take care of him (since i was crashing and burning).
I now have to look elsewhere for understanding...

Thank you all for your input and thoughts!

@Friday you're probably right that he knows. Though, I think, he usually attributes it to stress. But he did make a side comment a while ago about maybe truly something being "wrong" with me (when I mentioned that remark to T, she thought it was not nice, but I felt the complete opposite, namely that he doesn't think that I'm just being "difficult" - I really need to clear that up with T because I do think he meant it in a concerned kind of way, not derogatory; maybe it was a language barrier thing?)

I've been thinking about this some all day and it really comes down to this:



What do I expect him to do with that knowledge. What will it change?

Yes, it'll explain some of my behavior. But why does it feel like I'm just making excuses for being difficult? And, at least for now, it won't change my actual behavior, so it won't change the impact those behaviors have on him.

It'll show him that I'm truly trying to work on this, to get better. To change. To break free from this rat race that's been my past several years.

But beyond that? There's nothing on his part he can really do or help. As I mentioned, he has his own struggles, our life has its own struggles. I really don't want to burden him further than I already do (my anxiety, for example, is very exhausting for him as is, and it doesn't matter whether that has a label or explanation or not)

I guess at the end of the day it really comes down to me accepting my diagnoses, first. I'm fighting my own stigma.

@siniang I completely relate to what you shared here. I was also asked by my partner to seek help. Unfortunately my ptsd diagnosis came after he left me. Prior to that it was depression/agoraphobia/anxiety, which ended up being secondary to ptsd.
My anxiety drove my partner nuts - especially when I started missing his family gatherings (I don’t have family except my kids). My irritability drove him nuts. I wish I could now explain to him that many time I was reacting to the past in my mind and not being in the present. I don’t know if that would’ve made any difference.
Part of what I’m learning in treatment is to advocate for and take care of myself. Ptsd is not a joke - it’s something i need to really deal with. This means the people in my life have to be really onboard with the fact that i live with this condition and be understanding. I can’t afford to feel more shame, embarrassment, and feelings of failure than I already have. While everyone has stuff to deal with, and I respect that, I believe you deserve to be understood, cared for, and to have someone to lean on when treatment gets hard.
I have a couple of friends that understand, but I don’t burden them too much. Mostly, I have my therapist and my current day program group therapy. If I ever have a partner again, I will need to tell them so that they can ask me “Are you in the present? Are you seeing me or your past right now?”
Mostly I would want them to love me in spite of the shame I am feeling right now about myself. I can be very loving, but I do have the reality of what happened to me. That’s just life I guess. I would hope the important people in my life are able to see me with love no matter what...
I hope the same for you

 

[Freida]

I had undiagnosed ptsd when hubby met me -- it was just part of who I was. It made things complicated every once in a while but we still managed to get married and have good relationship. He pushed me to get help when things got really bad and I could no longer cope. He knows that I have ptsd and a bit about why but we decided early on we weren't going to discuss the details.
There's a lot I don't tell him, but we both know that there's a lot I don't tell him so it's ok --- if that makes sense?

 

[blackemerald1]

But why does it feel like I'm just making excuses for being difficult? And, at least for now, it won't change my actual behavior, so it won't change the impact those behaviors have on him.

^Do you really know what ptsd is and how serious it is?

I don't really know what you mean by being difficult because that could mean anything.

If you want to change your behaviour you may need a lot of support. Some of that support might be provided by your husband. At least understanding you a little more possibly?

Information is valuable. If he knows that you are freaking out from something traumatic in your past rather than what he would probably think is happening right now, in the moment. Could that not be helpful to both of you?

There's nothing on his part he can really do or help. As I mentioned, he has his own struggles, our life has its own struggles. I really don't want to burden him further than I already do (my anxiety, for example, is very exhausting for him as is, and it doesn't matter whether that has a label or explanation or not)

^But it does matter that he knows.

Information and knowing you have a really serious mental health condition could make all the difference to him. It allows him to explore and find information about what is really going on with you. It means that he has some basis for understanding where you are at. It's really important imo.

It's not just about a label. It's a real condition. If you had a brain tumour that was causing you such severe symptoms that it was impacting your relationship.... would you not divulge this to him?

Is it 'just because it's a mental health' condition....??

Everyone has their 'own' struggles. Nobody gets a free ride. You are undercutting your husbands ability to understand, cope and maybe even offer help by not telling him. And now you are justifying it all in your head and not giving him the opportunity because you don't want to burden him? Don't you think he's already wondering what is going on with you? How much of a worry/burden is that?

it really comes down to me accepting my diagnoses, first. I'm fighting my own stigma

^Exactly stigma! You don't even believe you are important enough to acknowledge your own illness.

How you tell your husband is up to you. But imo if you want to save yourself (and him) a lot of grief, find a way and do it. I hope if you do that it goes well.

 

[siniang]

Where does everyone read that I don't want to tell my husband? ?

 

[blackemerald1]

I've suggested several reasons that support you telling your husband as have others.

Your justification for not telling him so far.... includes..

telling him about my diagnoses is really embarrassing.

now I feel like I haven't been completely honest with him

I don't want to seem like I'm making excuses for my behaviors

I don't want to burden him

he has his own struggles.

I also feel like I might put a burden on him that I don't feel is fair.

opening up about very personal things, is really hard for me.

I'm just learning to deal and accept all this, myself..

and there's more.

 

[siniang]

And yet I opened a thread specifically asking how to tell him and how others did tell their close ones, because I obviously struggle with some core believes. Just because this is extremely hard for me for one reason or another still doesn't mean I don't want to tell him ...

But hey, good job at taking things out of context.

 

[blackemerald1]

AS I have suggested in my response I think it's a good thing you are considering telling him. I haven't suggested otherwise.

I've taken your comments on face value and not out of context. Obviously the issue's you have raised are important to you and I respect that you are struggling with disclosing your dx to your husband. I've tried to be encouraging and commented on your perhaps distorted beliefs and given alternative's.

As I've said, good luck if you decide to tell him. I wish you all the best.

 

[willhealeventually]

How about: “I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Here is some information about what the symptoms look like. Here is what treatment looks like. You may need some time to think about this and maybe then we can talk about it. I am still learning about this too.”

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How about: “I have been diagnosed with PTSD. Here is some information about what the symptoms look like. Here is what treatment looks like. You may need some time to think about this and maybe then we can talk about it. I am still learning about this too.”

Awesome way! I can suggest this book:

Dead Link Removed

Which is an amazing book that helps suffers and supporters. Also this one:


Dead Link Removed

I hear is really good.

The main thing is to advise him that you are still learning too so you'll learn about it together. Maybe even invite him in to talk to your therapist one session. Maube alone so he feels safe to be frank and open and he can learn about it and the best ways to support you through it. I found allowing your supporters to be a part of therapy every now and again can really help. Maybe therapy together to learn boundries and coping stragies together. These are better learned now in the early stages then later when you need them and don't have them. Open him up to learning with you.

ETA: And totally what @Friday said!

 

[Gs172003]

Awesome way! I can suggest this book:

Dead Link Removed

Which is an amazing book that helps suffers and supporters. Also this one:


Dead Link Removed

I hear is really good.

The main thing is to advise him that you are still learning too so you'll learn about it together. Maybe even invite him in to talk to your therapist one session. Maube alone so he feels safe to be frank and open and he can learn about it and the best ways to support you through it. I found allowing your supporters to be a part of therapy every now and again can really help. Maybe therapy together to learn boundries and coping stragies together. These are better learned now in the early stages then later when you need them and don't have them. Open him up to learning with you.

ETA: And totally what @Friday said!

Ditto to the first one...I haven't seen the second one but I have read this one and it's good


The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy Dead Link Removed