How to tell your partner

[siniang]

While it was my husband who really urged me to finally seek professional help after my last night terror (which left him equally scared and genuinely concerned) , I have not told him that I started therapy or that I do have actual diagnoses. We don't usually speak about health issues, partly as to not worry the other part, partly because it's something private and personal and unless it's something major that impacts the other person, there really is no need. But of course this is something he should know, only, that I don't know how to tell him.

He's known me for 14 years. He's known me back when I was the different "me". Somehow telling him about my diagnoses is really embarrassing. He sees my daily struggles, but he only knows part of my inner fights and demons, some of which I already had when he got to know me, but which I never told him about - and now I feel like I haven't been completely honest with him and as such biased his decision to be with me. I don't want to come across as "special" (yes, I do realize how stupid that is and sounds). I don't want to seem like I'm making excuses for my behaviors (which includes irritability towards him). I don't want to burden him - he has his own struggles.

How did you tell your partners?

 

[Sideways]

Telling people has always been pretty easy for me: “I’ve got ptsd”. It comes up.

Having “the talk” though, with people that matter? My rule of thumb when I’m thinking of disclosing something big is to ask myself “What do I want them to do with this information?”

That tends to help keep me on track with what I’m trying to tell them, but also why I’m telling them. It’s less of a great big information dump and keeps the conversation useful to both parties.

ETA That’s why I tell people I have ptsd (because there’s lots of useful things they can do with that information to help me), and I never bother telling people I have DID (there’s absolutely nothing useful they can do with that information!).

 

[EveHarrington]

Just be honest. Say “I have been seeing a professional and I have been diagnosed with XYZ.”

Honestly I’ve never understood marriages that aren’t open and honest. I mean, what’s the point?

I think you’re overthinking.

 

[grit]

There are two issues at hand from what you post here:
How to tell your partner you are not feeling well; and
Changing fundamentally how you two actually engage each other.

How to tell is you are not feeling well and took steps to rectify the problem by seeing a therapist seems much easier than the second issue.
The second issue (which I feel is what is causing you some shame and anxiety) is you have certain perception of yourself that you put it up for so long and now the chickens are coming home to roast and your mask has fallen. Not the greatest human issue if one accepts the limitation with humility and vulnerability and with the intention of repairing any damages that have been made because you were afraid to be you. I am saying this with upmost sincerity. I feel this man loves you as you love him but sometimes as humans we develop certain patterns and life has a way of making us learn a new powerful lesson. Come clean to your partner whatever that set certain dynamic in your relationship and hope for the best that you are supported by him. I also truly hope you can find safety at home because if you are recovering from PTSD, the primary intimate relationship can truly be the template to fly from or a trap.

 

[Invisible Fire]

It took me over 20 years to tell my partner. I know for some they don’t understand that. To be in a relationship and not take off your mask doesn’t seem honest or the best path. But, it took me over 20 years to be honest with myself and to seek help and then received the diagnosis of PTSD.
One of my favorite sayings is “known hell’s are preferable to unknown heavens”.
I am a survivor of childhood trauma and have lived with the shame and self hate for my childhood experiences. Telling my husband the truth was a huge relief and he is understanding but he is also human. He supports me and it is easier now to say I’m not feeling well.
I am still processing and healing and I believe I always will. I also did not tell him I was in therapy for probably 6 months and have not told him I continued working with my therapist. We are all unique and have to do what makes sense for us. I learned at a young age to keep a secret and it’s a hard habit to break.
I believe you will get to a point of opening up to your partner. It’s a long journey to healing but we are worth it.

 

[siniang]

Thank you!

To infer that I do not have an open and honest marriage is quite a stretch, honestly. I obviously do want to tell him about it, I just don't know how, because it's very personal for me and I also feel like I might put a burden on him that I don't feel is fair. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant, because that's just how I feel about it.

I did not willfully keep secrets from him, ever. When I say I was a different person when we got to know each other, I mean it. Partly it was/is major avoidance. Partly it is exactly this:

“What do I want them to do with this information?”

Back then, I did not let the negative things in my life define me (and still try this, but it's gotten harder, obviously, or I wouldn't be suffering from mental illnesses). I never talked about my trauma to anyone, because how would that have changed anything? I put it away and continued a normal life (or so I thought). Or, for example, I didn't tell him about my parents fighting, because - again - I did not want that to define me or my relationship with him. That was between my parents, between me and my parents, but not between me and him. I think there is a spectrum between "telling each other EVERYTHING" and "keeping major secrets".

But, and I think I've mentioned that at some point before, opening up about very personal things, is really hard for me. It's not about me having been wearing a mask. I'm just learning to deal and accept all this, myself...

 

[EveHarrington]

To infer that I do not have an open and honest marriage is quite a stretch, honestly.

It was a comparative measure.

My relationships are honest about anything and everything, nothing is hidden, especially the important stuff.....and I realize I’m at the far end of the spectrum in this regard. I just meant that from my perspective, your relationship isn’t as open and honest as it possibly could be.

 

[grit]

IMHO if you have ptsd and display certain behaviors such being irritating toward him and that is what you are aware of, either you are gaslighting him or in denial. It is OK to admit the gravity of this condition. This is the first step. Does not take anything from your relationship but it does release some psychic energy that you using to defend. Just saying.

 

[Mach123]

I find this a terribly difficult issue and I sympathise totally.

I got married without any disclosure because I had no idea there was anything to disclose.

Oh sure there were those memories and the alcohol and drug abuse and therapists but hey, it was the nineties?

Besides, we were going to be a family. (Insert slow motion train wreck here)

Fast forward 30 years.

: )

WTF?

We were married 10 or 15 years and I said "hunnie, I have these memories and I think they mean I was sexually abused as a child."

I was right.

So I'm not at all surprised you are in that situation. I think it's normal for us.

Whatever you do it won't be wrong.

I am wishing you receive understanding.

 

[grit]

Correction
I am not saying you must tell him ooh noo that is your decision. I am saying donor in denial if he is reacting to information that is purposefulky hidden. Also at least in my therapy I had some personality change and without my husband knowing and growing with me. We would have ended growing apart... My experience and may not work for others. My ptsd predates my relationship and that helps.

 

[Ronin]

Same brand of crazy or at least assumed so, my corners, so things did not need long lines.

But the times I tried being with someone not having my set of issues, I shrugged it to harsh lives, told them the bits that are likely to effect them or the relation and that was it.

IMO there are times somehow knowing about DID may do, like if you are very different mindsets / behaviors, or have different relating styles, or have huge chunks of memory missing between various selves.... simply as a heads up you will not remember & behave consistently would do.

 

[Friday]

If he’s known you for 14 years, knew you before and after AND...

it was my husband who really urged me to finally seek professional help

...he already knows.

He just doesn’t have a name for it.

Hey babe, I did what you asked me to do, and started working with a therapist. They’re saying what’s been going on is PTSD.

That simple. More? IMO

The good news is that it’s highly manageable. The bad news is treatment is a lot like physical therapy, it’s gonna get worse before it gets better. So we might need to carve out some time here & there, plan around some things in advance, just to be proactive. I’ve got some stuff you can read on it if you’re interested. If not? No worries. Just let me know.