How To Tune Down Quick & Fast Reactivety?

[lostforgottensoul]

So my step mom was following me to get her 4pm percoset (I hold them as she's an addict) and as we were walking, she was making this fake burping sound that was super annoying. I asked her to stop. She then said she was joking and said "you dont have any sense of humor". :shifty:

It shouldnt bother me but it didnt just bother me, it made me want to cut. As usual, she stood with the back door open, half in and out making her case. And I said "you know, that's something my therapist is working on with me"; which it is. She just mumbled something to herself and went on outside.

My therapist is trying to get me to see that, per him, I have a good sense of humor and what he calls "upper level intelligence" whatever that is, and then my step mom throws out a dumb, childish insult after a childish thing that was annoying, all stupid shit, and I sit here wanting to cut.

Ok, I get that this is a roller coaster, that all of this crap just piled on me due to my mom dying and I have to just sorta ride it out or something but I dont know how to bring down my reactivety. Like why did I have to say anything to begin with? Why did it bother me that much? That confrontation didnt have to occur.

Ive been going back through DBT but its not holding my attention when reading, I cant seem to be able to distract or self soothe, I cant seem to imagine any safe place (as far as Ive gotten as it frustrates me though I know this is what will help with regulating my emotions again and tolerating distress again, not sure why I cant seem to get through it).

I know DBT takes practice but Ive been going back through it since the day I heard my mom was dying, that's been about a month and a half, maybe a bit more (heard she was dying the day after the shooting so I can get the date), so its been a while and I cant seem to get anything to stick or work or whatever.

I am also on Seriquel XR 200mg which helps 'cool down' my intense emotions. Id be scared to see where Id be without that.

How else has some been able to tune down their reactivey without DBT? Or how can I get DBT to stick?

I just dont know what to do and because of my inabilty to move anywhere, those around me suffer. Makes me rather suicidal lately...

 

[joeylittle]

Or how can I get DBT to stick?

In the situation you describe, what you needed to apply was a mindfulness skill - a combination of noticing, non-judgement, and acceptance.

When something happens that even has a slight chance of irking you - you need to train your brain to process it without reacting to it. This made the most sense to me when I connected it to a 'who, what, when, where' script. It's important to not actually do 'why'.

So, in your example: your stepmom, burping, now, on the way to the medicine cabinet.

When you are first practicing this, it's good to mentally both ask and answer - so your thoughts would be "who? my stepmom. what? burping. when?...", etc.

There's nothing inherently judgemental in any of that noticing. By keeping it very simple and not guessing at motivation (that's why you leave out 'why'), you have occupied your mind for a good few seconds while you process the event, and only stayed focused on that.

Something that happens nearly automatically while you are running through that little script, is acceptance. You are noticing while remaining non-reactive. That's the most basic level of acceptance.

Judgement itself is a neutral concept, but it tends to get us into trouble because the thoughts associated with making a judgement often incite emotion, especially when the judgement is negative. From what you wrote, I'd guess that the judgement-version of your description of the event would be something like: "who? my dumb stepmom. what? making annoying noises trying to be funny. when? When I'm trying to do her a favor. Where? In my space."

(I snuck a 'why' into the 'what' as well. It's easy to plug those in, but trying to name the 'why' of something that is on the verge of bugging you will either be answered by "to drive me crazy" or "right - WHY???!!!" in your head. Either way, you're escalating.)

Practicing noticing in a non-judgemental way can be done at any time, and it makes it easier to do when things are flying a little more fast and furious.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @joeylittle, sounds a bit complicated but I think things sound complicated before you practice them.

I'll do my best.

Its crazy how short of a fuse i have lately and over the dumbest shit one can think of.

Ugh! Just lock me in a dungeon and throw away the keys and be done with it! :bag:

 

[ShodokanJenn]

In my experience, just reading DBT manuals isn't enough. I went to weekly group meetings, filled out the work book, and had to fill out a diary that tracked my emotions and urges and behaviors as well as what methods I utilized. I went through the entire course twice. Now when I notice I'm not doing so well, I go back to my tracking sheets and look at what techniques seemed to help the most, and I go back to consciously utilizing them. Sometimes, I don't think to do that and I'll be complaining to my T, and he'll look at me and say, "There's this thing called DBT. I think if you try it, it might help." Sarcasm is an excellent tool to use on me; I respond to it very well. If just reading the text isn't working for you, maybe you could order a workbook and go through that? They are pretty cheap on Amazon, and there are quite a few different options for them.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If just reading the text isn't working for you, maybe you could order a workbook and go through that?

I own it.

Im not a class taking person yet, but yeah, I ordered it the moment my therapist asked me to.

Its a book that today gets thrown against the wall a lot though...

Its practice. It just sucks, I got thrown way ahead of where I was in therapy and Its about to break me... Or thats how I feel anyway...