Relationship How was your relationship with your ptsd daddy?

[Never_falter2]

Thanks a lot, Sweetpea76. Talking to you is always so helpful. Maybe this is really just me thinking odd things. Has your Vet himself ever questioned the diagnosis?
But is hypervigilance about germs actually ptsd? Or OCD? Or just being neurotic and I should tell him to suck it up.

The older two of my kids like to play such a board game. „Mensch ärgere dich nicht“ is the name, similar to parcheesi but there is a kids version. So my husband for example was playing that with them and me but then he got to tired and first played it while laying on the floor and then opted out. PTSD? I told the, that daddy just sometimes does not sleep very well and is very tired. Did I do the right thing?

He is a poor sleeper and wakes me up to, this night he did st 0300 he went back to sleep but I being a house guest could not, internet surfed and will be such a tired unpleasant guest today. It is 0754 over here and I already dread the day? PTSD or suck it up?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Could be PTSD, could be something else. He may be tired from not sleeping because of PTSD. It's hard to say.

At least he played one round even if he was tired. That's better than some people would do.

It's hard to know what is or isn't PTSD related.

 

[Justmehere]

My relationship with my father with untreated PTSD was/is terrible for reasons not having to do with PTSD alone...

So my husband for example was playing that with them and me but then he got to tired and first played it while laying on the floor and then opted out. PTSD? I told the, that daddy just sometimes does not sleep very well and is very tired. Did I do the right thing?

In my opinion, this was a great way to handle it.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Justmehere: Would it be okay for you to share more about it?

 

[RRT13]

I have been reading a story about a woman in a news paper who had a dad with mental health problem...

Wow i feel like you just talked about my dad and my childhood. Bipolar, manic depressant. We havent spoken in months.

 

[Never_falter2]

So I guess it was not a good relationship?

 

[Mackie]

A lot of the supporters here tend to be short timers. They come here in crisis mode because they exp...

@Sweetpea76 I find your posts very informative and helpful. I've been in a 4+ year relationship with a combat Vet considered 100% disabled because of PTSD. When we first met I knew nothing about PTSD. As the relationship progressed and PTSD symptoms presented themselves I began the learning process. I've read a lot of books and continue to read but once I found this website I always come back when the isolating begins. It helps me to cope with what is happening or not happening at the moment.

 

[Abstract]

You know... I do not know how to explain this. If his symptoms where only less severe I would not...

You know, I have read back over some of your previous posts and threads and I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what PTSD is. I really think it would be wise to leave the supporters section for a week and just read the sufferers side. I have always been struck with how imbalanced the supporters forum is as it seems it almost entirely consists of those who on the receiving end of aggressive or even abusive behaviour who come here to receive support for that. I often wonder where all the other "supporters" are. The mothers, fathers, friends, siblings, children, and the spouses of those with PTSD who are not aggressive. I happened upon some truly excellent replies posted to you from Joeylittle in the past but I'm not at all sure they have sunk in.

To be clear:
PTSD does not = aggression. Aggression can result in some people because of a combination of other symptoms and personality.
Freezing is a very common alternative to aggression in those with PTSD and in my opinion you should be very grateful if he has a tendency to head in that direction rather than the other. The idea of course is to respond appropriately to each situation.
Deescalating situations is a form of emotional and other intelligence not a weakness.
Some people have incredible ability to hide their symptoms especially if they have a long history of self control
People tend to be less aggressive if they don't view aggression as adaptive to every situation.
Isolation is not necessary to have PTSD. Again personality affects these things.
Minimising the severity of the trauma should possibly on the list of criteria. It is that common. Don't whatever you do play into this.
Don't assume you know what is happening internally from looking at someones external self.
Shall stop there.

Do you have other problems in life where you have to validate yourself or your experiences by comparing them or you to others?

 

[Never_falter2]

@Abstract I do think it can be wise to compare your experiences with that if others instead of blindly following the expertise of a person of authority. Like everybody else they are human and can be wrong. Yes, I always do ask questions and do compare what happens to me with what happens to others. Maybe I do it too much sometimes. I used to have some health anxiety about my loved ones when I was younger and now I have a thought „What if it is something neurological?“
However I do not think stop reflecting about things would be the right choice.

I am not sure if I want to look that much at the suffers board, actually a bit afraid to read some descriptions of traumatic events there. I will think about it.

BTW not sure about which if joelittles Post you are talking but look at the date of this thread. I think it was posted before joelittles last posts.

 

[Abstract]

Its possible the posts may have been a similar time even though on earlier threads.

Although it can be wise to evaluate medical professionals treatment oneself I think its always most important to compare the situation with the medical criteria if you are going to question diagnoses rather than a small group of people on the internet which is self selecting because of circumstances and doesn't cover the full array of experiences. His shaking triggered by exposure to potential threatening situations doesn't indicate neurological issues and does indicate trauma

I understand you may not want to come across anything upsetting in the sufferers forums. There are areas that are less likely to mention trauma details. All I can say to you is that it is very common for people to have none of the things you seem to think are essential for someone to have PTSD. There are in fact some of us, like myself, who have to have a massive amount of therapy in order to be able to express any sort of overt anger. And avoidance in relationships can look different with different people. I also believe you mentioned he didn't have a combat position as a vet so that alone is likely to head his behaviour into a different direction.

I really think you should get some counselling for yourself since you both have a trauma history yourself and are around his PTSD. You don't have PTSD but that doesn't mean you are unaffected by what happened to you. Have you had treatment at all for your traumatic experience? If you feel you need to watch out and avoid reminders of the type of trauma you experienced then that is a sign you need to deal with it. Preferably with someone who is a trauma therapist as then they won't speak cr*p about his PTSD.

 

[Never_falter2]

I think this thread was earlier. I think I started the other thread because I realized discussing things that had nothing to do with the official topic of this thread here so I decided to start another. That’s how I remember but I am too lazy to look if my memory serves me right.

Though stress makes it worse he is sometimes shaking in situations that are not threatening at all. Actually he can be shaking while at the same time laughing and cracking jokes about it. I know shaking and twitching can be a sign of ptsd but I also know it can be a sign of a number of neurological deseases including very bad ones and including deseases in need of medical intervention which in the worst cases he might not get because of wrong diagnosis. It would be very bad not to know about such an illness if he happens to have one. I have been told the story of a guy who had severe lack of minerals because of having a stomach bug with throwing up and diarrhea and was shaking wildly. Fortunately they found out in the hospital or it would have ended badly for him. Well, hubby does not have such a stomach bug this but just as an example what can cause shaking.
As I said I currently have a bit of health anxiety and I don‘t think it is very fair some people seem to think my questions are hostile towards those with ptsd. They are not. Actually more like wanting somebody to tell me everything okay and he is in the best hands. That‘s may be a bit childish of me.
I know some people who suffered neurological damage (mtbi) and have shaking and twitching.

Re my own traumatic experiences. I do not think not wanting to read upsetting info is a sign of this. I do not like to read about all kinds of traumatic stuff not only what happened to me. I am not sure if therapy for me would be a good idea because I do not think my experience gave me any symptoms bad enough to see help for. (I was messed up before *lol*). Also my husband is very much opposed to me seeking therapy for being better able to „cope with him“ and I do not think it is very necessary because I really do not think my life is lousy because of him having ptsd. Yes, there are things that made me sad but I do not think a therapist can change this. Therapy is a lot less common in our culture than in others.

I might not be here for a while. I don‘t know yet. The reasons have nothing to do with this board but it is because of this intel bug and hubby said I we needed to use the internet less.

 

[Abstract]

Hi!

Just so you know I wasn't at all saying it was abnormal to not want to see details of trauma and wasn't pushing you to go to that part of the forum at all. Its a totally normal thing to not want to hear details. You also certainly don#t sound very affected by what happened to you and again that is possibly normal. Not everyone is affected by a traumatic event the same way and is traumatised by it and it being 1 incident makes that more likely. You are however anxious about a variety of things that are related to it and which bounce off of his PTSD so it still sounds wise to me to have some therapy around feeling safe yourself. Not about managing him as it is his job to manage him. Rather about how being around his PTSD affects your perception of safety.

Has he had a general medical check up? That sounds wise. It is always possible he may have a health problem and PTSD. If he finds reminders of the trauma significantly problematic and has disturbed sleep or flashbacks as a result and a heightened startle reflex/ hyper vigilance (always looking out for danger) then you have your answer about that. If not then its worth making sure he went through a proper formal assessment. If his treatment is via the official routes then I can't see them ever giving it out without that.

I know I have been shaky for weeks on end. Its basically that my autonomic system is so over stimulated that that is the consequence. Its a little like when you drive a car and have your foot on the peddle all the way down and your foot on the brake at the same time. Except its your senses and your general levels of stimulation that are activated. Don't worry about shaking from electrolyte disturbance as that can be very dangerous but he doesn't have vomiting or diarrhoea.

I'm pretty familiar with German culture as am a hop and skip away and therapy isn't big here either. It doesn't however mean you can't break away from that and do what is right for you. It is of course for you to decide.

i don't think its reasonable for people to be offended by you asking questions of his reality but do think its reasonable for others with PTSD to be a little offended at assumptions that PTSD requires essentially abusive behaviour. For many who have been abused they will do anything possible in life to make sure that this is not something they would do. I have to say though that I was fundamentally concerned about the toll it could take on your relationship and him. If he has PTSD and is trying to come to terms with it then having ones wife doubt it and essentially be implying cowardice has to be incredibly damaging. Or in fact having expectations of him being some sort of macho hero when he is dealing with something so debilitating.

One article I find quite useful is Pete Walker's The Four F's. Its specifically useful for those with complex trauma but if you take the general concepts and ignore what isn't relevant I think is a good tool when looking at personality and reactions in general. Especially the hybrid responses. He described fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Apparently military training predisposes and trains in the fight response but personality is still very important. One thing I have noticed when speaking to those who fundamentally favour fight is that there is a perception of it being protective for them. Others like myself perceive it as loosing control and not finding that appealing.
Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy