How Worried Should I Be?

[Casey_03]

I just moved back home and in with my grandma, and it is quickly shaping up to be a nightmare (as some of you may have gathered from my recent posts). I have been here 2 days only and I am severely freaked out. Please help me figure out how worried I should be ....

The problem is my 95-year-old grandmother is senile and, from what I can tell, completely deranged. I was reassured by various family members prior to moving in with her that she wouldn't bother my baby or attempt to do anything, but she's actually acting obsessed with him and it scares me. She tried to take him out of my arms and I had to push her away (she'd absolutely, positively drop him if she tried to hold him). Every time I leave the room (where my baby is in his crib), she rushes in as if she wants to get to him when I'm not around. Every time he cries or makes a sound, she rushes in and tries to take over.

Quite frankly, to me this seems dangerous. She seems deranged. i'm not sure she even realizes it's not her child. She was telling friends and relatives that she "has to take care of a baby."

I suppose it would seem like a harmless symptom of being senile except a lot of her behavior is actually very volatile and nasty. For instance, my sister bought me groceries before I moved in, knowing I'd have no time to go shopping right away. She left the food in a separate cupboard for me. My grandma ate it all and threw it all out, knowing it was meant for me. She has been telling friends and family she hates me and doesn't want me here, while being polite to me to my face. Any time a relative comes to see me, she gets angry and throws a hissy fit, shouting, "this is MY home, it's not her home!"

Basically, I'm just wondering how you all view her behavior -- am I right to be frightened of her? I feel an intense urge to get the hell out, and I feel like my baby will end up getting hurt somehow here. But i don't know if that is just anxiety. She genuinely scares me and i don't think she's in touch with reality at all. Worse yet, I think she has some weird underlying rage. I can't leave my room for fear of her rushing in to get to my baby.

 

[Eagle3]

She sounds totally unhinged to me. I'd get the f*ck out ASAP. Hope you can find a way out soon...

 

[Justmehere]

Trust your momma bear instincts.

You are there, your family members are not. You are your child's mom, they are not.

I used to work in a nursing home and sometimes elderly folks with cognitive issues can do more harm than most realize. Your instincts are accurate. Best possible scenario is still a bad one. She may be responding with what is meant as a good effort to take care of the baby, but if she is unable to even hold him and unwilling or unable to respect boundaries to not attempt to hold him, then she could accidentally cause serious harm. And she doesn't seem particularly good hearted...

It's probably a good time to begin figuring out an alternative plan very soon. Her decline is only bound to get worse.

At her advanced age and level of conflictive decline, she may qualify for at home health services and maybe this could be a way to have someone else there to handle her until you can find a safer place. I wish I knew of other easier options.

 

[Casey_03]

She is not able to take care of herself at all. She has a nurse come over several times a week, but the nurse can't do anything to stop her from harassing me and the baby. The problem is I have nowhere to go. At all. i just spent several thousand dollars moving back here from Ukraine, and I have literally no money to my name for my own place now. My other family members facilitated the move, but they have no room for me. So it's either I stay here and save up for an apartment (which will take at least 6 months) or I move into a homeless shelter. I honestly don't know which is more risky for my baby. But I wish I had followed my instincts to stay in Ukraine.

 

[Justmehere]

This is a bad situation for her sake, and yours and the baby. And you are right, homeless shelters are not exactly safe either.

Another option might be to contact the home health agency and ask what needs to happen if she needs a higher level of care. The county social services and adult protective services dept in your area might know of other options as well.

 

[Casey_03]

She apparently declined more intensive health services, and they said they can't do anything to make her accept more care if she's not willing. Currently, the nurse only comes for about 3 hours, two days a week. Which is nothing, really. All I can do is NEVER let her be alone with the baby, NEVER. But even then that means i can't leave to go to the bathroom or shower. And I have also had a really scary thought about leaving his milk in the fridge -- like what if she tampers with it? would she do that? i honestly have no idea. All I know is I get a really bad feeling every time I think about the fact that me and the baby are under the same roof as her.

 

[Justmehere]

She apparently declined more intensive health services, and they said they can't do anything to make her accept more care if she's not willing.

If someone is a threat to another life, it changes things. Granted, they make seek for the solution to be you and the baby move out - but you could talk to social services without giving a name and see if they have any ideas.

All I can do is NEVER let her be alone with the baby, NEVER. But even then that means i can't leave to go to the bathroom or shower. And I have also had a really scary thought about leaving his milk in the fridge -- like what if she tampers with it? would she do that? i honestly have no idea.

Yeah, I think keeping the baby with you at all times is wise. You can use tape - like blue painters tape (different than common tape she might have) to tape a "seal" on the milk and put a date. She would have to break that tape deal in order to taper with it. (We used to do this at my old job with sometimes unsafe clients around.)

 

[Casey_03]

If someone is a threat to another life, it changes things.

I guess this is the part that has me confused. Would most objective observers really see it this way, or am I only seeing it that way because I'm a breastfeeding mother? I've told my sister about my concerns and she just laughed at me.

But my uncle (my grandma's son) made a comment earlier that frightened me as well. I asked him if he thought my grandma had an unhealthy fixation on my baby because she once had a baby boy who died. I then asked what that baby died from, and he made a weird face and said, "pneumonia, supposedly." He wouldn't elaborate. But that just compounded my fears.

I really have no idea how much of my fear is reasonable .... and how much is just anxiety ...

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 Start making a plan to get out. Now that you are back in the states there are services that you can apply for. Food stamps, insurance, and housing. If I'm not mistaken I think you also would qualify for financial aid too.

Your grandmother seems to have some dementia or some other neurological issues going on, and they can be difficult to deal with. Redirecting them and their thoughts is one of the best ways to help ease the situation. I know that seems overwhelming when you have the baby too, but it will help.

Your family seems less likely to help, so you may want to think about calling elder services if things get to be more than you can handle. They will do a full evaluation and make strong suggestions to the family, and they do follow ups to make sure things are being done...

 

[Gs172003]

I just moved back home and in with my grandma, and it is quickly shaping up to be a nightmare (as som...

My great grandma acted like that when she was sick. Has she been checked for an infection?

 

[Casey_03]

@Zoogal She's been like this for years, it's just gotten gradually more menacing. But since no one lives with her full-time, I guess no one realized she'd be dangerous for my baby. That, or they just didn't bother to warn me. She has been checked by doctors though; they said it's just dementia. Either way it's already too much for me to handle. The baby is already suffering here. I might use my next paycheck to go straight back to Ukraine and beg for my old job back.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm suprised she's that old with it. I hope things get better for you.