How Worried Should I Be?

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 I think flying back to the Ukraine might be a bit of a drastic measure, but it's your choice to do so. You do have social services here at your disposal that you can always implement.

Is she threatening you or the baby? Dementia can be difficult, and tiring for a caretaker. But as I said in my previous post, you do have options.

 

[Casey_03]

She's not directly threatening me or the baby. It's the fact that she seems to think the baby is hers that scares me, and that she keeps saying evil things about me to other people (that she hates me and doesn't want me here). Also the fact that she keeps trying to get the baby when I'm not in the room. I also found needles scattered around the baby's crib, and I suspect she intentionally put them there for some malicious reason.

I called about social services for the baby, and I can't get them until I get his social security number, which I still haven't received (they are meant to be sending it, but said it could take a couple months). As for services for my grandma, it's her house, so even if I get social services involved and say I'm concerned about the baby, I'm fairly certain they'd just say, "Well, it is her house and you have no right to be there."

 

[Fadeaway]

Call adult protective services. She is a danger to herself and others and as a mother with an infant you are in no position to provide the care she needs.

I am really worried for you. This made my heart sink. The needles.... I can't begin to express the fear I have for your baby after reading that. I think you would be justified in fears about her getting violent with the baby.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Dementia patients usually regress in age(mind wise). Plus they can become parinoid and abusive. I would still call elder services in your area. They have a lot of pull, and can demand that the family get help 24/7 if it's needed or they can recommend she be placed in a home.

I know, I called them on one of my customers and the family had to hire someone 24/7 to take care of this woman, as she was a danger to herself.

She probably does believe that the baby is hers and you are the one standing in her way. In her mind she is trying to protect her baby and scare you away. It's the dementia, she needs help and unfortunately you shouldn't be the one to give it. Your not capable and your not trained to do so.

 

[Casey_03]

I'm still trying to figure out why my family insisted that she was fine to be around. They either knowingly tricked me into this situation in the hopes that I'd become the full-time caregiver ..... or they are oblivious to how bad she is.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 I know how frustrated you are, but honestly at this point, your families motive isn't really important. Making a plan and doing something is what's important. Don't waste your energy on the WHY of it all. You can drive yourself batty trying to figure out why other people do what they do, I would just focus on either getting out of their or getting help to come in...

 

[Fadeaway]

I decided to do some research. apparently, a change in the environment or overstimulation can trigger aggressive behavior.They might not have noticed anything because there had been minimal changes in her life up until now.

 

[Casey_03]

@Fadeaway That is a good point. Also, none of my family members ever spent more than an about an hour at a time with her, so they probably never had a chance to notice her paranoid/delusional behavior. I know she has started accusing family members of stealing things and generally being paranoid, but I guess they didn't think it would affect me. I really wish they had thought more about the baby before convincing me this was a good idea. Turns out she was against the whole thing, and they lied and told me she wanted us here. She doesn't. This is so incredibly awful.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 I don't think it's a case of your grandmother not wanting you there. She has dementia, and their thoughts from one minute to the next can vary like the weather. One minute she might know you and the next she may not. One minute she might be happy, the next she could be crying. They regress sometimes into childlike behavior and do things that are so out there.

Yes, some of them can become very angry too. I know a woman that is 45 yrs old, she is married with 2 adult children and has full blown Alzheimer's. Again, she's 45!!!!! There are some days she doesn't know where she is. Neurological diseases are tough to deal with.

Be cautious but try and understand that it really isn't her, it's the dementia....

 

[Casey_03]

I do understand it's not really her, of course. I'm familiar with all the features of Alzheimer's. But to be honest, that really doesn't change anything. If she's posing a risk to my kid, I'm going to treat her like a threat regardless of why she's doing it and what her motives are. I do try to have little chats with her and be nice, but the more I talk to her, the crazier and more invasive she becomes. It's sad that she is in this state of mind and I do feel sorry for her, but at the end of the day, I'm just not the right person for the job. i'm in no place to be the person taking care of her.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Yes, you and your babies safety come first. Absolutely, with that I agree 100%.

 

[GrayOwl]

Alzheimer and dementia patients often have fixations on babies. They often obsess over little children to an unhealthy level.

You are wise to be cautious and protective and probably for good reason.

One of the solutions that caregivers have for this compulsion is to provide the elderly dementia patient with as near a life-sized replica baby doll as is possible, complete with a blanket and caregiving objects like a bottle or rattle. It often calms them and satisfies their need to nurture and alleviates some of the obsession. Sometimes they'll just sit for hours or days in a rocker holding their baby doll.

Any chance you could try any of that?

You still can't let your guard down, but it might provide enough diversion to help. Giving up a roof over your head with few resources is a daunting challenge. Maybe with a combination of family support, vigilance, and some diversions, you may be able to work something out. I wish there was more we could do to help. It must be very fatiguing always being so vigilant.

I don't know if psychologists know why they do this, but in a couple nursing homes I have visited, elderly women have been calmed and sit quietly for hours nurturing baby dolls in rocking chairs. It seems to have an amazing effect. Your Grandmother seems to have a similar fixation. I don't know if any of this helps. Wish for you the best and safe keeping.