Childhood How Young Shd We Teach Kids About Inappropriate Touching?

[ladee]

Just give it some time @RagdollCircus... your 'tummy' will tell you when is a good time to approach her. If anyone ever taught you how to pay attention to your 'tummy'. If not... still, give it some time... a situation will present itself for you to talk with her. And maybe someday, with your own healing, you will be able to speak with your sister about the abuse that happened to you. Can be a great time for healing.
And I also taught the kids that ANY adult that made them uncomfortable to please speak up about it.. And I told them who to go to if not me. Adults that I trusted. They had a safety net that I set in place with the people I trusted. I talked with them about if any of the kids ever came to them... to let me know immediately. Even gave them some reassuring things to say to them until I got there... NOT my kids...nope, the ugly sh*t stops here !!!!
I know one of my stepdaughters was molested before we got custody of them. I set up counseling for her, and she either couldn't or wouldn't talk about it... she was very young. But she has a very chaotic life now, and tho she has shut me out of her life, I always encouraged her to get help... you can't MAKE anyone do anything. But you can let them know you are there for them... with no strings attached.

 

[ghotiff]

My approach is to teach kids to say no and model acceptance of their no. My nieces/nephews/friends kids.....I ask for hugs etc and it makes me so proud that when they are not in the mood they say no. I started this when they were very little and it took years, but now they are all great with saying no.

What was fascinating was how in the beginning when they would say no, the parents would tell them they were being rude, and they should give me a hug.

 

[Anarchy]

What was fascinating was how in the beginning when they would say no, the parents would tell them they were being rude, and they should give me a hug.

It's really good that you did that

My family still refuse to accept my "no" as meaning no - I'm in my fifties!

@ladee , you both encouraged and respected boundaries. That means so much.

 

[Sideways]

Flyonthewall - absolutely. Another reason I'm veering towards not having the conversation is I'm not confident about how rational I could be. I know I've got a bias - I see part of myself in my neice and my gut doesn't want her anywhere near clergy, and tha kind of bias is unrealistic & unhelpful. It's not that I'm naive about the risks facing my nephew - there's a group of men who were abused as boys who have made the front page of our national paper 5 days in a row now.

I know that just because it's close to home, doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about it. But you're right, I probably shouldn't go there if I can't stay unbiased.

 

[ladee]

@ghotiff, that is why I told my kids, ANY adult... Or any one of any age that made them uncomfortable. So I appreciate what you are saying about gender. And I didn't just talk about 'touch'.... I tried to teach them to 'follow their tummy', so many times we are groomed to set the whole thing is motion... but because my own 'uh oh' feeling was and still is on constant alert.... they were never allowed to be around people that made ME uncomfortable either.. I had a way of doing that in a way they were not really aware of....
I know for a fact, had any of my kids been abused in any way by someone I would be in prison using their computer !!!! To hell with the judicial system.... my house had Bikers there a lot.... it would have been taken care of... if not by me, then well......

 

[ladee]

@Ragdoll Circus... you can still have this conversation with your sister when you feel the time is right... and ya know what.... I would rather have someone biased talking to me, as opposed to someone saying nothing.... I have confidence in you that you will handle this how you feel is appropriate, and when it is appropriate. You are clear about your prejudiced....you are very good with words !!! And you have the right to protect your family. What your sister does with it is out of your hands... but you can not say you didn't step up... And not knowing the relationship you have with your sister, she may have already spoke with them about this .... All I am saying is be true to yourself.Like I said, without being a helicopter parent, I was very vigilante without scaring them half to death.... Words are a powerful thing... depends on how we use them... and as you get more confident.... you will do the right thing for the right reasons....

 

[Friday]

Sex, self defense, saying no, fear, respect, discrimination (as in choosing who you listen to)... And many many other things... Have been an ongoing conversation in my house since my son was very little. Like the toddler years.

IMO... What makes a conversation age appropriate is not the topic, but the content. I have yet to find any single area of life that can not be simplified to such an extent that a child can understand it. So foundations were deliberately laid when my son was small, and have been built on ever since.

 

[Heather]

Wow, reading this thread makes me sad. I never outright had a conversation with my daughter about "good" touch/ "bad" touch. I just always thought she was with safe people.

And when you think of a child being abused. You think of the abuser as an adult. Not another kid. My daughter just told me that Tina (abuser's mother) told her that if anyone touched her inappropriately, if it was a girl twist their nipples. A boy, kick them in the nuts. Asked Nicole did it ever occur to her to do any of that when "it" was happening. She replied, "no".

Although, I think that even if I had that conversation with her, the outcome would still have been the same.:cry:

This whole experience has left me shaken to the core and I don't know who to trust. Can anyone be trusted around my daughter to keep her safe.

I knew Tina and her daughter for 5 years and thought she'd be safe. She wasn't. Lesson I learned: you don't really ever know anyone. Especially the people you think you know, you don't.

 

[Sideways]

@Heather
Typed a reply, deleted it. Typed another one, deleted it. What you're describing...
With my parents, my mum especially, she loves me to bits. And I mnow that my trauma, in many ways, is hers as well. I don't think she'll really ever accept the truth of it - that there was no way, no way she could have known. That's kind of what scares me when I look at my neice - even if I was there waiting at the gate for her after school, having been through it myself, I honestly don't think even I'd be able to tell if it was happening.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Ragdoll Circus
Quite hard to figure out from outside

 

[Heather]

@Ragdoll Circus I just MISSED the signs and I feel sooo guilty because of that.

I wonder if I had that discussion with her, would it have changed the outcome? Probably not. My daughter told me she never would have told, EVER. She would have taken it to the grave with her.

Just makes me sad.

Thanks for your words. I didn't know but I feel like I should have known. I'm having a hard time letting myself off the hook.

 

[ladee]

@Heather, I can only speak for myself, but I don't know that I would be able to let myself off the hook either. Even with what all my kids were taught, it still could have happened. I would be devastated... but am some point, I would have to come to the conclusion, me tripping about that every day was taking energy, much needed energy to help my kid. We can not be with our kids every second of every day. It's not that you let yourself off the hook, it's just that it isn't priority to feel all the guilt. Doesn't change anything and I have to be present for my kid.... sending you hugs and hoping you shelve the guilt and be kinder to yourself !!!