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Today wasn't bad. I felt great when I woke up. Then flooding set in and made me miserable for a few hours. It finally loosed its grip and I had to spend a few hours recovering before I found my equilibrium. Back up to very good, now. Some pleasures and diversions helped to set me on the upswing again.
I'm going to do the next right thing despite how I'm feeling disgusted and dazed. .........(just as soon as I finish typing this)
I'm feeling like wtf, people simply cannot and do not treat others this way. Woke up this morning and read briefly upon the forum and now struggle with pulling myself away from wanting to be on the forum.
I'm not allowed to be on the forum today. I do not have this permission from me, bc I have expectations and important responsibilities here at home that I must meet; Yet I'm in conflict. So I've been too briefly on then off...., on then back off again, now on again, ..........until I can't keep a freakin clear thought; My doing! I did this to myself today!
I'd be all over this forum, ie. Responding to others and wanting to be supportive, contacting and/or returning PM's sooner, reading from the PTSD info. section, Welcoming new people, Reading from and writing in my trauma diary, adding to the World PTSD or information sections, putting my profile pictures back up, starting my own blog or reading from others. ......if, I didn't have multiple responsibilties to accomplish here back at home.
I guess this is a .........Yes, to spiritofnow's thread about "Guilt Complex", do you have one? Yes, I do.....me too. (manifesting itself in many area's and still tugging at me, after all this time, if I dare to move away from it's thinking).
I guess this too, is a response to my own thread: "How are you feeling today?"
I'm feeling guilty today:
• for things that are not within my control,
• and for trying to do next right thing,
• that I'm part of this thing called humanity, and more and more of humanity is worse than I could've ever imagined it, even though I've had PTSD for a long time now.
• for experiencing trauma(s) not nearly as severe as others have experienced
• and for not meeting others expectations of me and letting others down,
• and for not meeting my own unusually high expectations of myself, here-there-and-everywhere, and letting myself down.
• Guilty for being on the forum right now.
• Guilty for not being on the forum, when I'm not.
• Guilty for not being reconciled with God in the eyes of the church.
• Feeling guilty for trying to understand and make sense of this world, and my place in it now.
• Feeling guilty for trying to understand and make sense of God, and his place in it.
• Guilty for feeling free'er then before, (not free, but appreciative and free'er in comparison to where I come from, while others are still suffering much.
• And, OM, this list could go on an on an on, but only make me sick right now, which our family cannot afford right now; this would only make me feel all the guiltier.
I must choose and continue to march, (where too often seems like.....here, there and everywhere), or else I'll have more to be guilty of!
Oh' sh't I hope it's not a little of the poor me's, I'm starting to hear in what I've just written................... I can't handle any of that, that sh't is toxic for someone like me.
Damn' I feel guilty about actually going to submit this post.
So this is how my day is starting out,....feeling torn and feeling guilty. Only now, do I realize that I've been having these feelings, (guilt), more often then I allowed myself to be aware of, while trying to fluff them off, or shove them aside for other things.
The rest of this day is going to go better. I'm going to see to this. I'm copying and will be printing up my previous post about feeling guilty, and I will be learning from and dealing with it. I'm about to force a forum break upon myself and do recognize that I got triggered from reading within the forum this morning; There is much 'good' that I can do with and about this, and so I will. I'll ask for help outside of the forum, and begin further addressing my issues with guilt, while taking other actions and responsibilities. Nothing has to be 'All or Nothing', .......all here or all there. ,,, And/or, ..... all on this subject, responsibility, ect. or all on that one, ..........(reminding myself of this).
In fact, if left unchecked, I can take such faulty thinking to extreme's. Not all-around helpful!
To day was ok, saw a spider and freaked me out at work. A coworker lost their keys and the entire place shut down trying to look for them, it was hilarious. THe Philadelphia Flyers beat the Canadiens 4-2, and my team was eliminated from the playoffs by them in ot of game 7!!!!!!!:mad: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! But the Sharks won so theres little hope for them now. I love hockey!! :thumbs-up
it's been ok. Ill focus on the good stuff- the San Jose Sharks just beat the Dallas Stars in OT to force a game 6!!! Oh yeah!!!! I am eating the most delicious ice cream I think I've ever had. It's Ben and Jerry's "Imagine Whirled Peace"
I need to get to bed soon, if I have any brains left at all.
Husband and I carried up 5 air conditions from a basement crawl space today, and that got my blood flowing and I got so motivated that I rearranged a great deal of furniture and vaccumed. Son's computer went from upstairs to downstairs. Game center across the room and just heaps of other work and accomplishment, but now my shoulders ache. Wonder why? der'
Tommorrow is my trip to the eye doctor. That's another story. I can't stand spending so much of a day there, and my husband is not pleased with me not taking the two drops a day of liquid gold for my eye edema these last few weeks.
He wants to know what my problem is. I'd like to know as well!
Pretty awesome in general. Umm hubby is hot and errr always happy to see me, works a lot, my kids are awesome too. We are thinking a baby maybe. I have a 4 YO who is way too smart and cute, a 10 YO same way and of course every teacher adores him (really do not know why but he is so smushy cute and sweet, and beyond smart (scary smart)) Then 16 YO same thing. NHS, varsity, and so on... I am so lucky kid wise!!! OK, I do have the teen girl who looks my age and smokes, well, nuff said, we cannot all do perfect. She is 15 looks 25 lives with my ex for a reason. But by and by all is well.