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How's Your Day Been? Each Day is Different, So Make Your Mark Daily

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Today I´m greatful for beeing able to appreciate an absolutely gorgeous winter morning. It´s cold, -20 celsius (-4 fahrenheit), but it´s like living in a winter wonderland today. So I´ve just been out with my camera, trying to capture the beauty.

And - I´m also thankful for a warm house ;-)
Today has been good! I slept until 10 - which was an accident, but good that I could actually sleep. Then I watched some TV, went to the store, and now I am home and hopeful for a continued great day.
my day today...am like a fish flipping around gasping-am flipping around between emotions today.
I am just thinking that all I need to do is hold on till Tuesday just hold on.
Or at least until tomorrow when I can call support worker although I dont think somehow they will take the call...this isnt paranoia. Have a feeling that maybe I am sabotaging myself. Or rather in trying to protect myself from getting mixed messages I am sabotaging in that way.
I just want to be ok and Im not even sure what that is.
Not freaked out- not in passively frozen, (or fight or flight modes.)
think am rambling now...so will stop because will just delete otherwise. And this is 2009 the year of not deleting. or overanalysing or bad things or more bad things or
Not so good....but not the worst...I spoke with my Psychologist briefly she wants to discuss stuff tomorrow. I understand why she cant do this over the phone but sooo much worse has happened to me that discussing this is not the worse thing in the world.

My reasons for having some idea of what she will say is so that I can take it in and then ask questions. Because my head goes sometimes and I cant think what it is that she is actually saying and what the repercussions are for me to be able to ask anything. rather than be "oh ok" and then for it to hit me later when I am on my own and with no support and I start panicking and have to try and contain it.
My containment skills are all over the place these days.

I read the short film on PTSD(yesterday) and Anger(today) it took ages to take it in today as my concentration is not so hot any more but I did and they made sense. And I have had to write down bits to help me remember that I can get well and that I read this here.

I had not ever thought that withdrawing and doing nothing could be classed as anger.
I am at the moment at two poles;
the thought of having someone on the phone with a bit more of a puzzle that could help me move forward and not sharing that information with me was pretty awful.
And the other end is sitting down and waiting and I have to say its not just me sitting down and watching a bit of tv and swanning around...I sit rigid and just wait until whenever it is.
sit and wait, sit dont move, my breathing becomes very small...and that almost triggers me...and controlled breathing which I have tried and sometimes it does work...well, that reminds me sometimes of before (during a "thing"....well before. I cant clarify this better at the moment sorry I just cant ) trying not to be heard. trying to not let my breathing be heard. Because everything feels soo loud...my heart beating soo loud in my ears that I swear the whole world could hear it, hiding and trying to hold my breath so I wont be heard.
So that as a distraction isnt always good. But I havent written it off, its just sometimes it doesnt work.

Anyway I came on here to show my son earlier.

And wanted to be able to write as for a little while I am not up in the air or "shut-Down" too much, and this is to some extent right now a distraction which is good.
so I have written something now he has gone and all I have to do now is to get through till tomorrow.

so as Each Day Is Different...I decided to try to make my mark daily. As the thread says.
This today is the only thing I have done that is ok- routine...which while Im not sure if it is "routine" yet, I can see that I wrote on here the other day so this is as close as it gets for now.

Im not sure if that was too much information...but I need to post as my brain will start to switch off and wander or shutdown. Or if I start looking for somewhere else to write this I will not be able to do it...it is not going to take much this evening to confuse me.
Let me say, the day has just been. I've been awake since I awoke at 3a.m from an attack of intense itching all over my chest, arms, back and neck from psoriasis and with it a great deal of pains throughout my joints and in what felt like my left lung. It was remarkable in that all of the joint pains was felt on my left half, none on the right. And, then bc I almost went into a panic attack due to the increasing pain and itch, and I couldn't stop remembering an experience of my mother and her words, while sitting at our kitchen table yrs. and yrs. ago, I went online to read up about the skin and pieces of my memory from previous diagnosis of mine during an amnesic period of yrs. returned to me. So today, I have all these memories newly returned and quite frankly I'm still overwhelmed. I had been hoping that all the overwhelm would diminish once school resumed yesterday, but oh how mistaken I was. Also, I'm yet to accept the reasons why school is continually being cancelled. And, the additional school cancellations due to 'fear of snow'. The snow doesn't even have to come down, just join 1, 2, 3 together in fear of it falling and heck' this school cancels. I'm concerned that when the real snow falls, omg what will this community do, ....fall to pieces. .....just a small vent.
My day today...not so sure.
I started to try clear my kitchen.
I cooked a meal for myself...nothing that great and kind of easy too but the first time since Christmas, I am trying to care for myself and right now think this is good.
Yesterday I couldnt come close to thinking that.
And tried again to paint.
so a day of trying...
It has sucked royally, until improving some earlier this evening. Pain and more pain. And, have been very physically symptomatic and lost almost entirely for the first half of this day.

Today sucked, because as daughter was home sick today, I had to be freakin clueless and lost. Not angry, just ill and frustrated so and in and out of overwhelm (crying) and brief stifled, to the best of my sometimes failing ability, panic mode.

One would'nt even be able to notice though that my daughter was home sick. As there were no symptoms, she simply couldn't attend school bc of possible viral contagious factor.

To hell with this, next time my daughter goes to school and they all get a good case of the sh'ts, if that be the case. Some sh't is no big deal whereas, my daughter getting her education as opposed to witnessing me in such distress is far more important and painfully lasting then some kid getting a case of the runs. The same school and people that likely passed it onto her.

Today Sucked! One wouldn't know though from the way I sound that tonight has been far improved, only difficult thus far. .....but no pain, distress and inability to see.

In fact, I did something very couragious and loving tonight, and couragious the other night..........tired now and so maybe I'll add this to my success story, as I haven't written there in a long time, after I failed and started smoking cigg's again.

That addiction in itself is a complete thief and robber of hope.
It has been pretty good. Up and down, but less of a shake up than it would have been say a year ago, or even 6 months ago. I can tell I'm doing better. Just have to keep on.
Yesterday was both horrible and good in a weird way. After a hard therapy session with some EMDR, I spent the rest of the day sick and shivering on my sofa. It´s horrible to go back into my deepest fears - but also good to feel that I can cope with the fear now.
Today was good for me. i got up, got out of bed before noon, ate a healthy breakfast, did some serious cleaning, and then went thrift shopping with my MIL.

I had some brief anxiety, but it was far better than it has been and I spent most of the day happy.

I have also decided that I need to be more positive, so now I am going to have to counter every negative with a positive on here. I think i'll make my diary the only exception.

If anyone catches me being negative, without pointing out a positive to counteract it, please get on me...I might need a little re-enforcment. :)
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