I'm actually taking a break from the forum, while I'm on an enforced break from therapy (can't afford it) and focussing on functioning well enough to go to work again. I've sneaked back today, though, because I really wanted to share with people who understand.
Since the onset of PTSD three and a half years ago, I've had horrible anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), in particular over leaving the house. This obviously makes getting a job difficult so I've been doing a lot of work on that.
Things are really changing as a result of practising mindfulness, calming/coping skills, my own work on consciousness and Jeffrey Schwartz's four step approach for OCD (Link Removed). I can almost literally feel my brain rewiring itself. It's difficult and uncomfortable but not brutal or too anxiety-provoking in itself, which is what I found with standard CBT techniques.
What was really amazing today, though, was that I managed to get a taxi and was very calm. The trauma began when I was abducted after I got into a car pretending to be a minicab (a type of taxi). This was in London in the days before minicabs were licensed, so I don't want to worry anyone else - things are different if there's proper licensing. Due to what happened then, my level of anxiety even seeing any kind of taxi, let alone stepping into one, means I've completely avoided them, which has restricted what I can do and caused problems in my last job because I had to get out of late working or travelling to inaccessible places.
Today I was delayed on my way to an appointment and although I'd normally have rung up and explained, I had a persistent thought that if I took a taxi from the station I'd still be on time. I couldn't believe I was considering this. As I walked out of the station I felt dubious, but a taxi stopped right in front of me and it felt OK so I took it. I was fine. Not the slightest anxiety. I felt like any normal person doing a normal thing.
I did have some difficult feelings about the trauma afterwards, not anxiety or other PTSD symptoms but grief for it having happened to me. I could feel that what happened was real but in the past.
I'm having a very tough time working to repair my life. I believe in healing, not just managing symptoms, but it's been hard to hold on to that without my therapist to help me. Making progress with OCD and having this experience today has really encouraged me. This is how healing feels, and I want to be healed.
Since the onset of PTSD three and a half years ago, I've had horrible anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), in particular over leaving the house. This obviously makes getting a job difficult so I've been doing a lot of work on that.
Things are really changing as a result of practising mindfulness, calming/coping skills, my own work on consciousness and Jeffrey Schwartz's four step approach for OCD (Link Removed). I can almost literally feel my brain rewiring itself. It's difficult and uncomfortable but not brutal or too anxiety-provoking in itself, which is what I found with standard CBT techniques.
What was really amazing today, though, was that I managed to get a taxi and was very calm. The trauma began when I was abducted after I got into a car pretending to be a minicab (a type of taxi). This was in London in the days before minicabs were licensed, so I don't want to worry anyone else - things are different if there's proper licensing. Due to what happened then, my level of anxiety even seeing any kind of taxi, let alone stepping into one, means I've completely avoided them, which has restricted what I can do and caused problems in my last job because I had to get out of late working or travelling to inaccessible places.
Today I was delayed on my way to an appointment and although I'd normally have rung up and explained, I had a persistent thought that if I took a taxi from the station I'd still be on time. I couldn't believe I was considering this. As I walked out of the station I felt dubious, but a taxi stopped right in front of me and it felt OK so I took it. I was fine. Not the slightest anxiety. I felt like any normal person doing a normal thing.
I did have some difficult feelings about the trauma afterwards, not anxiety or other PTSD symptoms but grief for it having happened to me. I could feel that what happened was real but in the past.
I'm having a very tough time working to repair my life. I believe in healing, not just managing symptoms, but it's been hard to hold on to that without my therapist to help me. Making progress with OCD and having this experience today has really encouraged me. This is how healing feels, and I want to be healed.
