Hungry, Kicked Out, Triggered. Anxiety/panic Attacks Flaring Up

[Leisel]

Got kicked out a few months ago when I was 17, now I'm 18, I've been staying with a friend and her family but said I would leave Sunday to do a program for homeless youth (like an extended stay shelter w rules, required therapy, stuff like that), but I was too afraid to do the program, so I asked if I could stay with their family until I get paid on Friday (hoping to buy an apartment this weekend), but turns out I don't get paid until next Thursday, so an extra 6 days, and I don't want to extend my stay here since I already stayed longer than planned and told them for sure I would leave Friday, but I don't have anywhere else to go so I am really nervous about this upcoming week and trying to find friends houses to sleep at and stuff like that but so far I only have figured out Friday night and half of Saturday night (I'm babysitting until 12 or 1 or so but don't know about staying past that time).
I have some food from my church but it is ramen and macaroni, and I need a pot or bowl to cook it, and went to buy some but they were too expensive so I can't eat them. I have some snack items but no meal and honestly I am sick of the snack items and want "real" food, you know? I also am in recovery from an eating disorder and the stress makes it even harder to eat responsibly. But the trouble I have getting enough to eat is messing with my blood sugar and making it hard for me to do basic things like stand up or sometimes form sentences. I have some money but don't want to spend it on food or appliances because right now my priority is an apartment.
So I thought it would solve my problems to make a lot of money, fast (I need $300-400 more for the apartment, bc I have some money saved) and thought of prostitution. I started reading up on it online (something I've done before as well, in similar circumstances) and read some people's stories, and started to really think about if I could do it.
I couldn't, bc it would interfere with my other job. I also don't feel like it would be reasonable bc I have been getting very scared lately like when a boy flirted with me touched my leg, when my stepfather woke me up by touching my back and talking, when someone cat called me when I was walking to work. Stuff like that.
So then I thought, "maybe having a lot of sex will numb me and I will stop having flashbacks (to sexual abuse) and stop getting scared so easily." But, it really upset me to think these thoughts.
I don't know what to do. I am starting to feel like I am not strong enough to handle it. The fears have been getting stronger lately. I had a panic attack today just walking along the street. Whenever I walk anywhere, I watch my back, watch the shadows to make sure nobody is following me. I feel like I am terrified 50% of the time. I haven't really slept since the shooting in Orlando because that terrified me as well and the fear is getting to be too much.
Maybe I would see a doctor or my therapist but I don't have health insurance right now.
How do you cope with the fear?
Sometimes I start to think about suicide because my fears are so strong, I don't feel like I can handle the other options. I'm so afraid.
Please, if you have any suggestions financially or emotionally, I would love to hear them.
Thank you

 

[Sunny6]

My goodness. I am so so sorry Liesel that you are going through this. I can imagine how hard it must be since I myself have experienced being kicked out of my home for a while (few days ago actually, I'm 17). Scrambling for safety and something to eat was awful. It says you're in the US, so if you live in NJ let me know because I would be willing to come by where you are and offer you things that you needed.

Something that helped me emotionally to avoid feeling trapped at the thought of suicide was to imagine myself in the future, happy and doing what I love. It made me want to strive for it. About the homeless program, I went to one myself and from my experience it wasn't so bad. They do provide you with food and a bed then help you get back on your feet. Maybe you could ask a friend or adult that you trust to come with you? Just so it isn't as scary. And also about staying a while longer, if you explain the situation to the family I'm sure they would understand. They've allowed you to be with them so I would think that they do care for you. And about the fear the best thing I can imagine for now since you can't afford a therapist is to practice breathing techniques and grounding within those moments. I'm so sorry, I wish I could provide much better advice.

You can get through this. I believe in you. Thank you for being so strong and brave and staying here with us. Please think about calling some hotlines or considering the homeless youth program, they could really help.

 

[Chem Lady]

Liesel and Sunny6,
I'm very far away from you, but I would like to send you both some love and encouragement.
To both of you; I'm so sad that you are out on your own at such a young age. You still need love and guidance at this age! You need someone to cheer for you and help you attain your goals! You need someone who'll give you hugs as you work through all the painful stuff you've experienced. All I can give you is some care over the Internet. I'm sorry about that.
Liesel, I don't want to see you selling yourself to people! I want to see you get through this difficult time and not have to look back with regrets and awful memories to move forward with! You have enough of those memories already! Please try the homeless program first, or something else (see if you can find a way to make it those six days). Please post some updates on here so that we can know if you're doing ok or not.

 

[Friday]

Some basic food whilst sleeping rough tricks:

It's summertime... So you can BBQ in most parks, if you live in the cify. (For that matter, most parking lots, if you're quick about it). A ziplock of Charcoal in your backpack, 2 tinfoil boxes/throw away casserole thingmys, & voila. Put just 2-3 charcoal briquettes in the first tinfoil box, and light it. Put your noodles and water in the other one, heat to boiling above the flames, and cheers.

Somewhat easier than that ^^^ is to get cup'o'noodles & zap them in gas station microwaves. But the above method works for all kinds of food.

Food Pantrys for cookable food. If you find a jar of vitamins? (Holy grail) Snag those. Ditto it doesn't matter how gross it is nutrition shakes, because you're gonna hold your nose and shoot the suckers. Vitamins and trace minerals and protein, and just knock them back and try not to taste them.

$1 menu fast food. ((When you're starving? Fast food is health food... You need the fats and simple sugars & super processed proteins, unlike people who are eating several times a day and sitting around not doing much. Do NOT get whole wheat and other high fiber nonsense. May as well eat cardboard. Highest calorie & über processed. I know. With an eating disorder that will feel reeeeally wrong. But it will help your metabolism.))

Fishing... But if you don't know how, can mean several days hungry until you get the hang of it. A few gamakatsu hooks are wicked cheap, however.

Soup kitchens (again if you're in the city).

Get a job at a "real" restaurant or cafe. Free food is nearly always part of your paycheck.

Sleeping

Again, it's summertime, so you've got a lot more options. If you live anywhere with a beach? Go there. Sleep in the daytime with the crowds of people keeping you safe. If no beach? College/university parks. Open a book in front of you, lay out in the grass, and pass the f*ck out. You'll look like every other exhausted student catching a nap & a few rays, while -theoretically- studying. Outside of the city? Think camping. The bonus, there, is that you can build a real fire to either cook over, or shove some foil wrapped potatoes in the coals to be ready in the morning.

Inclement weather sucks without a tent. Cold wet and miserable. While there are ways around this? Better to head towards a city, and sleep indoors. Libraries, busses, & trains are good options.

A note about libraries... University Libraries are the shit :D You can disappear of into the stacks and sleep in peace, you can keep yourself occupied while awake, there are bathrooms to use / wash up in/ get clean drinking water from, and most are open either 24/7 or nearly. And you DONT have to be a registered student to use them!!! Only to check books out. If you're lucky enough to be in a big enough city, you can even rotate which university libraries you're using. Same token, university campuses are a treasure trove, in general. Not only do the student union buildings have microwaves and hot water for cup'o'noodles (and often free fruit!), and free wifi, but a lot of dorms have communal kitchens and showers. Find some of those? No worries about needing to head to a park to cook. Just slip into the dorms with big groups of girls talking too loud and not paying attention to anything else on the planet (including leaving the doors wide open).

A week isn't long enough to look into getting a gym membership... But if you're ever homeless longer? Best. Investment. Ever. Especially the 24 hour ones. For anywhere from $10-$50 a month (or free, if YMCA) you have daily showers, a place to go, & sometimes laundry (if not, and you have 2 sets of clothes? Shower and soap up and rinse off in one set of clothes, wring out, then take with you to line dry... The shampoo works just as well as laundry detergent).

 

[void]

@Leisel

We are here 24/7 for you.
We care.
We are always on your side.
You can succeed.
Keep talking to us.
:hug::hug::hug::hug: