Hurting!

[BoN-bOn]

Tonight I attended a support group session at the local domestic violence shelter. It was SO good & I felt so comfortable sharing my story & encouraging others & receiving their encouragement too!! Although I've been free from my abusive marriage for ten years, & out from under my father's control for three years, I realize that I'm just now beginning my journey to HEALING just as these other women are. It was so good to be around women who understood & encouraged each other. I had a conversation with the advocate who encouraged me to attend afterwards & thanked her for encouraging me to go...I felt so positive when I left!

Then it was all ripped out from under me. My sister texted me to see how I was doing. I was so excited to tell her about the group & my positive experience. She said, "I hope that it helps you to STOP dwelling in your horrible past." ??? I have spent the last ten years trying NOT to dwell in any of it! I didn't want to be "the victim!" Hiding my panic, isolating myself, fighting nightmares, flashbacks, arguing with doctors that I did NOT have PTSD & never going back, unable to have trusting relationships, pretending I was "fine," being strong because I had to be....the list could go on & on. SHE HAS NO IDEA!!! Then she said that I needed to be around positive people who build me up, not bring me down & that I'm using PTSD as an excuse....that "if someone told me I was stupid enough times that I would start to believe that too. & it's not okay for someone to keep telling me I have PTSD!????" I feel like she just stomped all over my heart just as I was starting to let her in. :cry: It just plain hurts. How do you make people truly understand what you are going through??? I don't WANT to feel like this!! I didn't CHOOSE this!! She doesn't even understand how much courage it takes to ACKNOWLEDGE it & take steps to fix it. Maybe what she was saying was coming from my Dad, I don't know. I'm so sad.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Tonight I attended a support group session at the local domestic violence shelter. It was SO good & I...

That is absolutely horrible, so sorry for you, that is not right for anyone to do that. She is not the positive person that you need. If you tell her that she might see the irony of her own advice.

I also have abusive family members that I have myself cut off from.

My PTSD started with a stalker who has now enlisted many other people to do the same, horrible people that Iam forced to deal with, coworkers who are harassing me on the account of that stalker. As if that was not enough my pleas for help fell on deaf ears and then were heard by male predators who used the sanctity of the criminal justice field to continue stalking and harassing me. I would have never thought that someone who appears to want to help me would end up being the worst male predator I ever know, sinking so low to use corrupt police officers to further their dirty cause. I was so sick with PTSD I did not even understand it. They portraited to have my excellent qualities and attempt to verbally accuse me of their own messed up living styles. Those criminal justice workers most likely never wanted the truth to come out because it would have shown them to be corrupt.

Now here comes the part that may be of certain interest to you: those male criminal justice workers, married, used several female members in their office as their personal prostitutes and tried to showcase them in front. These looser females then proceeded to also sleep with a ton of other guys at the place of my employment wnich was also the place whwre I was stalked. Now these looser prostitutes for over six years continue to libel and slander me because I know the truth. They employ many other females to harass me too. They act as if they know me, which actually is all info from them stalking me. One of these delusuional lewd females pretends to e me as a sister, follows me around . This is a total stranger mind you, she pretends I have an interest in the loosers she sleeps around with. Whomever Iam in contact with she either attempts to get close to or she att,empts to libeml and slander them too. Whenever I express that a certain person is interesting she fli gs herself at them, attempting to get closer to them. Whenever I express anything positive about a person she makes up stories that Iam sexually pursuing many different partners.

At the same time this nutcase attempts to get close to me via her looser friends. And she will suggest things about my personal life, things that she will never be allowed to decide on or will ever be a part of. She also walks around pretending to be like me, even pretends to have been stalked like me.

What I am saying is this: it is easy to see hoew any kind of jeaolosie can destroy a persons life. You may have to cut yourself out of your sisters life because there is nothing uglier than a female that lets herself go and attack someone totally innocent to make herself feel better. It does not sound like your sister has any good intentions towards you.

 

[BoN-bOn]

That is absolutely horrible, so sorry for you, that is not right for anyone to do that. She is n...

That is terrible! Can you get a job somewhere else where you don't have to deal with the abuse? That sounds like a VERY corrupt place & that shouldn't be happening.

I just don't understand why she thinks I would need to use PTSD as an excuse?? An excuse for what??? An excuse to feel different from everyone else & isolate myself? An excuse to not sleep or have nightmares that I can't wake up from? I'm still holding down a job & taking care of myself & my child. I haven't asked for anything from her other than just to be there for me?! I did respond to her after I had calmed down. I was shaking & crying so hard. The worse feeling in the world is to feel invalidated or rejected by someone you want so badly to just LOVE you for who you are.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok-------So your sister says that you need to rid yourself of negative people.

Let's start that list for you------

Number 1. Your Sister.

Your sister is showing you her true colors. She is showing you that she cannot be a positive influence in your life. (Don't tell her about the forum, she'd tell you to leave it too I bet!)

I know what it's like to want to have that bond with family, to want them to be supportive of us-------but in order to help people understand, they need to want to understand. I'd be surprised if your sister was open minded enough to hear things from a different point of view.

Stick with what you're doing. Keep going to the DV group if it helps you.

Sad to say, many people don't get it and end up relegated to the realm of superficial fluffy relationships. You know, the ones where you're nice and respectful but you don't share anything important with them.

:hug:

 

[BoN-bOn]

Ok-------So your sister says that you need to rid yourself of negative people.

Let's start that...

I most certainly wouldn't tell her about the forum @EveHarrington ! In fact, this is my safe place...I haven't done very well with journaling because my mom left a lot of journals to my sisters & I when she died & they were very hurtful towards us & painful to read. I have had a hard time writing anything personal on paper since then. I wouldn't want my son to read horrible things about me if he found my journal or if something happened to me. It feels safe to get some things out on here though.

I almost laughed out loud in the midst of my tears when I read that I needed to be around positive people!! I had to calm myself down before I responded! The way she was saying things sounded so much like it was coming from my Dad. I haven't spoken to my Dad in a month (because I just need time away from that toxic relationship) & I think it's killing him that he can't lecture & control me, so it makes me wonder if he's been talking to her about me & she somehow feels the need to control me for him. He definitely wouldn't like the fact that I'm in therapy. My sister even talked badly about the ONE person who has been there for me through everything the last ten years & who has done nothing but build me up & show me unconditional love (someone at the domestic violence shelter where I lived before).

The "fluffy" relationships describe my family perfectly!! I think my stress cup was already full tonight...& that just did me in.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

:hug:

And more :hug:

Hold on to those supportive people!

I'm not saying to definitely kick your sister out of your life. Only you'll know if that's best for you. I've personally found that there are family members I need to put in the fluffy relationship category because I just can't handle being to close to them. There's nothing wrong with this! If you don't want to cut off your sister completely, maybe you'd be ok knowing her on a very superficial level. It's not easy to figure out. It can take some time to determine what's best for you!

 

[BoN-bOn]

:hug:
Thank you @EveHarrington !
The holidays should be a real treat this year (in my most sarcastic voice)!