General Husband Attacked And Robbed But Refuses To Report It. What's My Role?

[Mrs. T]

Hello. I'm worried and feeling a little lost. Last night H was driving home from work when he saw a car which was parked oddly. He slowed to pass but the car was surrounded by several guys who then tried to pulled him out his open window. He had just gotten paid and had his pay on his lap (that was taken). The guys had a knife and slashed at his arm leaving him with several (12 maybe) cuts. They tried to stab him, but thankfully only ripped his shirt and nicked his skin. When H got free enough, he drove off, running over the foot (he thinks) of one of the guys. His first reaction was to tell the police. Soon after, he saw police and flashed his lights to get their attention so he could talk to them. Instead of finding out what he wanted, they asked him for license and registration. H pointed out that he was the one that stopped them. They repeated that they wanted his license and registration. He gave it to them. They checked it then asked him to step out of the car. They did a breathalyzer and checked him, then sent him on his way. He was so mad that he ended up not telling them.

When he got home, he told me what happened and I bandaged his arm. He said something about it on his Facebook status. He had many comments from concerned and angry friends. After about an hr or two, he deleted the status and regretted telling anyone as he feared the repercussions it could have on him. He thinks that it could somehow cause him to lose his job as his boss pays under the table (that being his part time job). He also mentioned that it could affect his full time job some how. I told him I thought he was over thinking it and that he should go to the police. He refused and said he may be over thinking it but he can't help it and he just cannot go to the police, "what are they going to do anyway? I have never heard of anything they do that actually helps people" (in my opinion...he has a point).

He wants to forget about the incident and move on, "that's what I've always done". Well, I honestly don't know what I should do, if anything. Do I report it anyway? I don't want to against H's wishes. Should I tell my Dr for hopefully some extra support or perhaps advice? I don't know. I think he's getting to the point of never wanting to talk about it again.. putting things to the side and not working through them hasn't been healthy for him (hence ptsd). just worried what this will do to him. Maybe it really hasn't shook him up...? or maybe it has but he doesn't even know it as his whole life has been a series of traumas. Will I ever know?

Now, he's working late. I have no way to get a hold of him to find out what's happening and he often comes home at random times. sometimes he has a drink after work, sometimes he comes straight home. His hrs are always different and he never knows when they will be finished the job. I saw him at lunch today and he was so quiet. I asked him specifically if the incident yesterday was really bothering him. He said yes but only because of the stolen money. Now, I'm worried. Is he still working? or has he gone out drinking? or has something happened??

I am just so thankful he got away with only cuts. Who knows what could have happened had they succeeds in getting him out of the car... Could really use some advice and prayer...

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm so sorry this has happened Mrs T.

I think it would be a good idea to tell your doctor.

I think he's getting to the point of never wanting to talk about it again.. putting things to the side and not working through them hasn't been healthy for him (hence ptsd). just worried what this will do to him. Maybe it really hasn't shook him up...?

I obviously don't know your husband and I don't think it is possible to know if it has shook him up or not. But I tend to react by shutting up, especially if I try to say something and somebody hasn't heard me - I then get really panicky about saying anything, feeling that I've done something wrong by saying something in the first place. It's not at all healthy and reinforces other experiences.

I'm sorry that I can only put myself in your husbands shoes, but I'm scared of giving you bad advice as we're all so different.

It would be very hurtful for me if someone tried to take control and went to the police behind my back. But I think it would help if someone came up with good arguments that touched me - for me that would be the argument that me not telling the police puts others in danger or is like all the people who turn a blind eye to abuse and let it go on. That kind of thing gets me past the thoughts of myself not being worth the bother, because I can do it for a cause that goes beyond myself.

I think you have to use your intuition. I wish you well with it.

 

[Hashi]

He wants to forget about the incident and move on, "that's what I've always done". Well, I honestly don't know what I should do, if anything. Do I report it anyway?

I don't know what it's like to be in your situation, but I can't see anything except damage in the idea of reporting this yourself, unless your husband has specifically agreed to it. Otherwise I think it's the worst thing you could do, and if your husband still won't talk to the police it would be pointless anyway.

Have you told your husband how this is making you feel? It sounds like your focus when talking to him has been on him, what he's going to do, and the effect on him. That's completely understandable, but have you been able to share with him - in a non-accusatory way - your concerns and how the incident's bothering you?

Like Meadowsweet, I don't know your husband, but if I personally was in a similar position and internally struggling with something like this I think someone else hoping for a decision or action - or even a discussion - from me would probably make me shut down more. However kind and supportive the intention, I think it would make me feel more pressure and I'd react badly to that. If someone gently told me how things were affecting them then gave me some space, there'd be more chance of me opening up a little - not necessarily to do anything or even discuss anything, but perhaps to keep the possibility of thinking about it a bit more myself rather than locking it away. Of course, I might still lock it away, but if that's the case I'd be doing that whatever happened.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation.

 

[The Albatross]

Your role is to be as emotionally available to your husband as you can be without projecting your worries, anxieties and fears onto him. He doesn't need that. Blunt but there you go. As far as the incident, it should be a "mutal decision" to report it or his. I would not go behind his back. He is focusing more on losing the pay than he is about what happened to him. Men are like that, they take it hard when their role of breadwinners are threatened (cliche, but I will tell you both my husbands took their roles very seriously).

 

[Mrs. T]

thanks meadowsweet and hashi for helping me understand his reaction. One of his early trauma taught him to keep quiet as the first and only person he told, slapped him and kicked him out of the house. First reaction in wanting to tell someone was good but because of who he told, it turned into a worse situation :(.

albatross, thanks for being blunt. I really appreciate that. And yes, he puts a lot into bringing in the income, especially now with this baby only two weeks from the due date, he's feeling extra rush to make as much as possible so he can spend some time with the new arrival.

To be honest, I'm relieved that none of you suggest I report the incident despite H's wishes. I wasn't sure if I was going to listen to the advice had you said I should. Your saying not to is reassuring that I am doing right by not reporting. Since the incident I have been trying not to bring up anything that may be stressing to him, especially involving money. I'm trying to find the balance between showing him I care and not having him pretend all is well because he feels guilty that I am worried. Maybe once the baby is born he will settle enough to be able to talk about things that may be still bothering him...? I just don't want to let it sit too long for fear that th may be internallized too much. Maybe I'm off on this, I'm no psychologist. I hope I am being emotionally available to him. To be honest I don't know how to express my concerns to him on this topic.

 

[Mrs. T]

medowsweet. You think I should tell my Dr? the Dr wouldn't report it would he? is he obligated to report these things?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I hadn't thought of that. I don't know what country you're in Mrs T, as it differs in different places.

I'm in the UK, I don't know about Doctors, but therapists have to report if there is evidence to suggest that children are in danger of abuse or that life is at risk. Because this is an assault on the street and there is no ongoing threat, they wouldn't have to.

But I believe in some parts of the US there is a law that says you have to report crime? but I don't know about confidentiality laws.

 

[The Albatross]

What are you trying to actualize by entertaining the possibility of mandatory reporting by a physician? It is clearly not his wishes.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think the question was in order to avoid madatory reporting Albatross, so as not to go against anybody's wishes. It is different in different countries, anmd not something I had thought of.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think that he has to report this himself, if he chooses ('required', or not). You may be able to influence him, which likely involves reducing his stress and worries about repercussions, or that he's 'bad' or 'wrong' to disclose it. Otherwise you risk jeopardizing his trust. And it's too much stress and pressure.

I would feel as Albatross described, and I'm not a man.

I would guess he will have more fall out or risk of a meltdownfrom talking about it than it happening (as you've said). Please try not to worry, it's still really good he told you about it.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thanks everyone. Still not sure if I'll tell the Dr. I'm in Canada btw. I'm pretty sure the laws about child abuse/neglect having to be reported are the same here.

H has been on a steady anxiety/depressed/stressed low lately but there's no knowing if ts because of the attack or it's just current stresses in general.

I guess it is a good thing he even talked to me about the incident. I never thought of that. That statement alone helped me because he has been attacked and robbed in the past, and a few of the times he didn't tell me until a long time after. I kinda took it personally..makes sense now.

 

[Toria]

Hello Mrs T - I am so sorry that this happened to your Husband. I am sorry that he feels he cannot report the incident, but I think he probably has your best interests at heart (right reasoning or not) for not doing so as he thinks it could land him and those around him in trouble. No advice really - I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you x