Relationship Husband Being Consumed By Numbness.

[kb2021]

Hi, I am new to this website and just reaching out because I am desperate for help.

My husband just returned from a 10 month deployment in Afghanistan. Homecoming was amazing, but that has been a few months ago.

3 weeks ago, he revealed to me that he was not happy and since he's been home and I was simply getting on his nerves. I tried reminding him of the things he loved so much about me before he left tree t nothing got better. A week later, he said nothing was working and he needed space so I left for the night and the following day he came to talk and see our son. He had gone to talk to his brother and his papa which are 2 very wise, Christian men. They both opened his eyes tremendously and he said he realized that he did miss us and wants his family back. I agreed to go back home as long as he agreed to help himself and not push me away.

Things were so good, and he was playing with me like he used to ad everything felt so normal and good. 2 nights ago we had gone to bed, and for the first time since being home he admitted that he was messed up in the head and struggling BAD! He finally opened up to me about what he had experienced during his deployment and my heart shattered. I know he is suffering from ptsd even though he does not want to face the reality. He told me again he needs space.

I've mentioned counciling and the thought of it makes him so mad, he is just positive that he is the only one who can fix this. He said he is numb to everything except our son, meaning he doesn't feel like he loves me anymore. I told him I'd never push him into counciling, but I asked him to go to marraige counciling and he didn't have to mention the war just say he didn't feel connected to me. He's so against it, but he said feeling like our son is the only thing that matters in his life is okay with him.

I'm terrified! He's pushing me away despite my efforts to help him, I am confused all on my own and I've expressed every feeling I have to him. I know 100% that he does love and care for me because just a week ago he tried mending our marriage and I see it when he talks and looks at me. Our marriage was very good before all if this, and never did we fight during this deployment.

I don't know what to do because he and I both know he can't live life numb to the world around him. I know he is strong and can overcome this, I'm just scared that him helping himself get past it will take so long he grows too far apart from me and learns not to love me. This horrible event is consuming him, and it's consuming our marriage at the same time.

Please help.

 

[scout86]

Sorry you all are going through this!

First, I'd like to recommend the best book I've ever read on PTSD. It's called "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior". It has sections aimed at soldiers, but also for their families. It's a very straightforward, honest book, and I think pretty accurate.

If he's not ready to try therapy yet, maybe there's a support group for veterans in your area. It's worth checking. When I first started therapy, the guy I contacted told me that PTSD affects more aspects of your life than you realize and it WON'T go away by itself. I figure that's why God invented psychologists.

You guys CAN get through this. People do. I can promise that he can't fix this all by himself, but it often takes awhile to come to that conclusion. Good luck and best wishes to you & your family!

 

[Soli]

I have a friend here locally who found a PTSD support group at the local VA clinic. He finds it very helpful. It's "not quite counseling" so the stigma factor isn't there. Maybe you have a VA clinic or hospital close by that has something similar? God bless you and your husband as he heals.

 

[blackswan]

I can definitely relate to getting the emotional cold shoulder during a rough patch. It sucks. Feeling alone while you're physically with the person you love is heartbreaking.

If he's saying that he feels numb he isn't necessarily saying that he doesn't love you, he could just simply be numb. Sometimes it feels like my partner is so busy trying to stop feeling the difficult emotions that he stops feeling the good ones too. They are still there though :) just carefully hidden away safely where the horror can't get at them.

Yes, definitely encourage him to go seek therapy. Know that this might take a while so, where possible, be patient... cause that's so easy to do. I'd also encourage you to seek therapy, especially if things are too difficult for him to attempt couples counselling at this time. You need support through this too, and maybe you going could show him that it's ok.

Look after yourself! Know that rough patches end and happiness returns :)

 

[bell]

I've never been to war (thankfully), but can speak to numbness. @Bronswan is right, sometimes in order to stop feeling the bad emotions, we shut off *all* emotions. Since I've had this since I was little, I just reclaimed numbness (both to physical touch and to emotionally) a few years ago after I started going to therapy for PTSD. Cutting off all our emotions can lead us to not being able to regulate them, so that when we do start to feel them, we don't know how to control them, which is scary. (For example, I may get really mad at something that someone else might just be peeved at, or start crying with happiness over the tiniest of gifts... once you start to feel it's like the tap doesn't know what setting to be on, so it's easier to shut down and let nothing out than risk overflowing.)

For these reasons, therapy can help immensely. For your husband, talking to fellow soldiers who may be feeling the same can also help as can talking to a therapist who specializes in military-related PTSD. Unfortunately, your husband will most likely* not be able to fix this on his own, he will need external help in the form of therapy in order to get better.

*I don't want to say "never," as there is always room for a miracle, but the chances are very very slim to none.

 

[Seasounds]

I'm sorry for the big shift in your husband and marriage; so painful and frustrating. It is sad that things can't be like they were before.Everyone's process with PTSD is different. When and if your husband goes to treatment needs to be his choice.

Even though it isn't related to alcohol, Alanon groups can be greatly supportive to helping you stay emotionally balanced. It also addresses relationships and how to deal with mates that are troubled.

From you story, it sounds like your husband's brothers will be the 'safe' relationship that he references. I say because as his most intimate partner, your husband is likely to express his strongest 'negative' emotions onto you. I would give him space for that reason.

Kind, consistant boundaries are good. You can gently, occasionally encourage, but suggesting too much may drive him away or close him down more. It is a gentle dance.

 

[bilerchick63]

BlackSwan~ your explanation of numbness just helped me in more ways than you will ever know. My husband is in the midst of an awful event where he says he isn't happy with anything, is confused, lonely and numb. After a shocking and horrible "discussion" between the two of us the other night, ( he said he married me to appease everyone and even though I KNEW to let it go, I was so deeply hurt and shocked, I wasn't able to refrain. He has NEVER verbally attacked me before and it was a doosy..) he is going on a trip on his bike, to find himself. This course of action (the trip) isn't new and typically does him some good.

 

[kb2021]

To update everyone, my husband went on a 2 week training for the military in June and it helped him a lot. I didn't push, the feelings for missing me came back to him. He came home and told me that he wanted to work everything out and he had enough time to reflect on himself. He realized in that time a lot about me that he had pushed in the shadows.

A week later he went to hang out with friends, this includes drinking a few beers. Alcohol is a trigger for everything he feels. That night his friend put a gun to his head and tried to kill himself. Every single step he had made forward meant nothing at this point because all memories from his deployment came flooding back.
I was angry, not with him but his friends, because he had made so much progress and I feared what was coming next.
He poured out every feeling in his heart to me, for the first time he admitted he had PTSD. He talked about feeling selfish for almost losing me, and told me qualities he loved about me.. I cried because he's never told me what he loved about me and for so long he felt so far away.

He still gets mad at me really easy, and has a short fuse. I know he would never fly off the handle to the point of putting his hands on me or our son, and I know he'd never take his own life.

I was in the darkest place of my life, and I know he struggles to get out of the darkest place in his life every day. It will never be easy, and he will not get help so I won't push. I know he is a strong Christian man, and I know that through our Faith and prayers as a family of God that things will get better for us. He reassures me that we are going to make it despite the obstacles that we encounter.

I can not express how much this thread along with a lot of other PTSD websites have guided me towards understanding.

Anyone suffering with this, wether your the spouse or the victim please know it will get better. We are all getting used to our new since of normal, and I know it will never defeat my husband!

 

[redheadmed]

@kb2021 i know i'm late to this thread, but the struggle never really ends. be prepared for more ups and downs. but you'll come through this. you both seem strong and committed to each other.

hang in there!