Relationship Husband Emotionally Detached, But Spending More Time With Girl "friend"

[Devoted]

Has anyone ever experienced this?

My husband says he feels numb, and he has been emotionally detached from me since his 1st deployment 4 years ago. He brought this all out on the table about a month ago (I've felt it over the 4 years, but it's really hard to hear it).

Now he has friends from his classes at school, one of them is a girl and he's been spending more time with her than his guy friends. They go for runs on the beach, and he says he texts her about me.

I told him I feel like he's emotionally cheating on me, which he replied "sorry" with no emotion behind it, and nothing has changed. I don't want to tell him he has to stop seeing her and talking to her, as much as I would LOVE to...but I just feel like this is so wrong! And initially he was being sneaky about it, like he knew it was wrong too...he said nothing is going on between them, but even if it's not sexual he's still putting more energy and time into their relationship than ours.

I feel so rejected and hurt, and I'm the one who's been here supporting him for the last 4 years through all of this crap. I don't know what to do. I just feel like him spending time with another girl is just asking for trouble! I'm going crazy.

 

[amethist]

Hi CT

Sorry if this is blunt and to the point, but we dont fluffy coat answers here.

If he is spending time with her, out running on the beach what ever his excuse is, to me he is cheating. If he is putting more energy into that "friendship", than his own marriage, again to me he is cheating.

I would not stand for it myself, he either stops seeing her and concentrates putting his marriage in order, or he leaves.

He has crossed the boundary of trust in my eyes, and he needs telling this is not fair on you or your marriage.

I hope you find a way to deal with this soon, it cant be easy on you at all.

Amethist

 

[Loner]

I'm going to go ahead and say him spending time with her as friends should be perfectly, after all you don't want him to be alone except for you do you?

The fact that you don't trust him enough to do this says a lot about the relationship though and your concern that he might in fact be cheating might actually be valid.

Regardless, there is a lack of trust. If the relationship was working then this wouldn't be an issue. Perhaps you need to assess whether things can actually be put back together or whether its not going to work out. Hard to face that reality I'm sure but better not to waste more time on it if things cant get better.

For now I'd say the most important thing to look at is yourself. Focus on why you don't feel that trust for him any more. Maybe he is cheating or maybe he isnt but you don't trust him so figure that out first.

 

[discarded]

Hi CT

Sorry if this is blunt and to the point, but we dont fluffy coat answers here.

If he is spending time with her, out running on the beach what ever his excuse is, to me he is cheating. If he is putting more energy into that "friendship", than his own marriage, again to me he is cheating.

I agree it is cheating.

My sufferer had a long secretive internet affair that someone finally sent me copies of emails they had sent to each other. They were of a very sexual nature and I was really upset.

He lied for 2 years telling me it was all made up and how terrible I was for not believing or trusting him. He finally confessed and it was still going on. He claims it wasn't cheating as they had never physically touched or met, he reckons it was just pornography. But then I discovered he used her name as his passwords at work and that he had spoken to her over the phone and she was texting regularly.

Be very cautious and stick to your guns if your gut feeling is that something is not right. Don't let the PTSD be used as an excuse. My sufferer says he can't discuss this issue as it stresses him too much. That may be true but he created the problem without too much stress.

 

[Trembling]

The only thing I can tell you is be very careful and yes, gut feeling exists. Cannot say too much as I am too emotionally involved in a situation like that.

Never forget, he exactly knows how to make you believe whatever he wants you to see. You are his wife.