General Husband Has PTSD... Need Advice!

[msktaylor0207]

my husband was diagnosed with combat PTSD a while ago and has gone thru counseling, sent to a 3 wk treatment facility in Seattle. and since then been IGNORED. all the counselors at the seattle treatment recommended the longer term treatment in palo alto, ca, however the army has ignored this up until about 2 months ago when things got BIG. we got into a physical fight and for the first time in 3 years, the cops were called, so he was arrested and is no pending a domestic violence charge. however horrible this is or seems, i support my husband and want to see him through this. he was supposed to be sent for the intense treatment back in janurary but of course there was no room so on the waitlist he stayed. and even though the violence was well known through all the counselors and his unit, not one single authority thought "HEY this guy needs help fast!" even after i made it clear that someone, even me, his wife, could be severely hurt or maybe killed. i am STILL in shock that nothing was done, and now that its at this level theyre 100% blaming him when we both put it out there a year ago that this could happen if he was not helped. what is there for me to do? my kids have been at my moms house since this happend, for fear CPS would take them, and come to find out if my kids come home, CPS WILL take them because hes in the state. theyll take them even if my husband is restricted to BASE. how can the system fail veterans so horribly that it does this to families? am i just being ignorant? we have explained to the DAs office that with a pending charge, the military can do NOTHING as far as sending him to treatment. but the DA wants to hold off on the case until treatment is done. its so frustrating! any advice? thanks!

 

[becvan]

Welcome to the forum msktay!

Hope you don't mind but I moved your thread to the carer's section, as you are a carer and looking for advice as such. I'm sure you will get lot's of helpful information here. Also it would be a good place for your husband to look around in.

Yes, it does sound frustrating and rather ... disgusting.. way to handle everything. (systems like that just suck.)

bec

 

[Kathy]

Welcome to the forum msktay, lovely to have you. Though I am in Canada rather than the USA, I am the member of a military family, and sadly your story is all too common. The Canadian military only started taking PTSD truly seriously in 2001, and in spite of the introduction of the MFRCs to assist military families, there still remains much room for improvement. Much stigma is still attached to personnel with this illness. This is where you unfortunately must step up and become an advocate for your husband. Learn as much as you can not only about PTSD but also about how your particular "system" works, fight it, never give up!

The situation with your children is particularly unfortunate. As a social worker by profession I do understand the need to protect the children, since your husband has become violent. That is not something that should be ignored or taken lightly. However, it does seem rather extreme that CPS will take them even if he is in the same state, whilst the two of you are separated. Again, as I am not in the USA I cannot advise you specifically, but I would recommend you learn as much as you can regarding your rights and obligations. Is there a family resource centre on the base, or any kind of advocacy programs for families that you are aware of? That would be the place to start.

And as far as PTSD, as Bec mentioned, this forum is an excellent place to learn and receive support, both for you and your husband. I cannot even begin to describe the wonderful things this forum has done for our family. All you need do is read and read some more, apply the tools that seem pertinent to your situation, interact with others, ask questions, and you will be amazed at the changes and what you learn. Do take care, I look forward to chatting with you more.

 

[msktaylor0207]

i understand thinking from an outsiders veiw how my husbands violence would seem threatening to the kids. and if he ever even raised a hand in anger at them, me and him would have issues... however, my husband has not once even threatend the kids. they love him to death and actually depend on him more then me, because i work more and am away from the house more then he was before this all happend. i completely agree with protecting the kids, which is why they are with my mom. and at this point, almost 2 months after the last incident, i feel like i am now protecting them from CPS. our kids are a support system for my husband and it is so hard watching him crumble because he hasnt seen them in so long. its so emotionally draining for both of us having our family ripped apart from outsiders who have never dealed with an ounce of what dealing with PTSD involves. being around people who can actually relate is what my family and i need. but CPS doesnt get that. they want me to take DV classes that random jane next door goes to after her "sane" husband beat her. they dont listen when i say that he was the least aggressive person before iraq. and he lived for a purpose, he cared, he loved. but its so difficult to get outsiders to listen to the fact that traumatic situations, like combat, really take its toll on the human brain, body and soul. he was such a good person before and i still love him so much. he just needs someone to help him, fight with and for him, support him. and thats what i feel my job is right now. to be his advocate.

 

[msktaylor0207]

i just remembered another question... i was diagnosed with PTSD stemming off the violence ive dealt with with him. how can i help myself?

 

[Jim]

Want to help yourself msktay, best to start a new thread in Chat - PTSD where the sufferers do much writing. Sufferers can give you better advice as they are living it.

Jim.

 

[Jen]

Hi Ms if you look at previous threads I think it may have been last year we had conversations about secondary PTSD as quite a few spouses seem to have this problem.
Welcome Jen!

 

[Kathy]

In case you were unable to find the thread Jen is speaking of here it is:

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2286.html[/DLMURL]

However I agree, it is best, if you have specific questions regarding PTSD, to address the sufferers. We could answer, but they understand far better than any of us here, as Jim says they are living it. The Carers forum is primarily for learning how to cope with and help a PTSD sufferer, but if you have PTSD yourself, there is a wealth of information and many members with PTSD who are quite willing to talk and help. It is a great resource we have here.

 

[msktaylor0207]

well, that thread sounds about right! the way i always refer to my situation in the way i think makes sense to people who couldnt relate is that, my husband was in iraq for 12 months, was severely traumatized, an ive been in my own war for 3 years living with a husband with severe and chronic PTSD. the abuse is on and off and sometimes was months between flare ups. and the fear of not knowing what will set him off has definatly put me in the fight/flight mode constantly. but during the last episode in july, i had taken a heavy dose of a type of lorazepam and things really hit the fan. we had been fighting and i was just really wanting to become numb to his rage and anger. so i overdosed. and then i guess my mom had tried to call and when i didnt answer, the cops were called and he was arrested for domestic violence. i dont remember too much from that day or that week for that matter. but i do remember being strangled to the point i thought i was going to pass out. he says he got so angry at me and he thought i was trying to kill myself. so he got angry that i would even think about taking myself away from him and the kids. now that things are cooled down, and we talk about it, i told him i wasnt trying to kill myself, i was just trying to not feel the heartache and the pain of our fights.

so reading the thing about secondary PTSD completely makes sense and all carers should realize that it is real. and its something that should be treated with the same importance as the sufferers PTSD.

I am currently in counseling for the symtoms i have developed over the years from dealing with my husband. i am more irritable, i am easy to anger, mostly with my husband. i dont have flashbacks or anything like that, but i am having a really hard time letting go of some of the things he has done to me. so thats my focus right now is trying to learn to forgive and kind of forget. and like anthony said in the bottom of that, the past is brought up in an argument and that is something both my husband and i HAVE to work on if we really want to strive to get past this and healing. and that is one of my biggest faults when we argue...

 

[becvan]

I'm glad to hear your in counseling for secondary. That should be a number one priority for you.

A word of caution: I do know that when someone tries to relate to me using, well I have Secondary PTSD, as the basis for understanding, it doesn't go over too well. Although both are serious, it's not the same. Us PTSD'ers tend to isolate and group according to our PTSD. Secondary does not cut it in our minds. When unhealed, or just not far enough in the healing process, someone attempting to relate to us using this can trigger massive anger and rage. Although each of us are different in how we handle or don't handle our PTSD, it might be good to track your hubby's reactions to this and see whether or not it just isolates or enrages him, or it actually helps open up the communication further.

Remember, focus on your healing!!! Very very important.

bec

 

[Kathy]

Yes very good point Bec. The two are definitely not the same, and people with PTSD can be very sensitive regarding their experiences, and rightly so. PTSD is the most serious of the anxiety disorders. Though I personally am still unsure of the nature of secondary PTSD and its differences from the usual PTSD. Perhaps there should be an article in the Information section outlining the differences.

 

[becvan]

Although this is from a professional point of view.. I think it defines it rather well...

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5612.html#post42705[/DLMURL]

bec