“Do they honestly balance out the horrible shit he says to you?” I’ve been asking myself that a while.... he really has been good to me with the exception of this whole PTSD thing..... there‘s no material thing he wouldn’t provide/gift, but then i‘m like one of the lowest maintenance wives any guy can have. my material needs are junk food — the hard to find stuff. no desire for jewelry or anything expensive. so I know everything he does for me in trying to give me what I could possibly want and make me happy whether it’s a special occasion or not, takes brains. and he is a good father.Ok well that’s certainly something. Tell me the good things or don’t I dunno think them write them down. Do they honestly balance out the horrible shit he says to you? If they do great I highly recommend couples therapy. I think I mediator could help you both.
perhaps it would be easier for you short term to take a break from each other. If it’s possible to live separately for a while until you’re less activated. Not a lot of constructive partnership stuff gets resolved when you’re in survival mode. It’s probably best to put that to one side while you try to get yourself right. One thing at a time.
You never know it might be how you are coming to him eg tone, inflection, body language. It’s much harder to see and mask what you might ordinarily to “keep the peace” while you’re highly symptomatic. He might feel to blame and is acting out in defensiveness. Or you know he’s just a tool.
Perhaps inpatient might be ideal if it’s a doable thing for you/ in your area. There are options, it’s f*cking awful right now but it won’t always be. And honestly have a look around the forum. This was always going to happen (not the husband part) there are some of us that struggled away for decades before the dam burst, but it always catches up with you. Eventually you would’ve had to deal with your trauma.
Problem is, this reluctance and refusal to learn about mental struggles is HUGE. It is a big part of me. Not that I want to hang on to it and never in my life have I ever played up the victim card. But it’s significant. With EMDR, with therapy, with meds, there is no saying I can be “normal”, like completely “over it”.. yeah there are people who after treatment no longer meet the criteria for PTSD but at least right now, I don’t see me ever not needing this separation, even after at some point I’m a whole lot less symptomatic. my immediate wish at the moment is to just get back to my old level of “craziness” and be able to see straight to drive more than an hour at a time. the question is... can he be there for me in this journey in a positive way.
Actually he has been away for a couple months. We’re in the middle of a transition — his career change and us moving to a different state. But we’ve been communicating in these two months and in this “communicating” is where most of the stuff in my original post happened — the continuing to trample all over my feelings with the manure he says and his continuing refusal to acknowledge, learn, and understand. So nothing was really helped by his being away...... there’s no tone, no inflection, no body language, just words, and his rebutting literally everything.
He and I are intending to live separately after moving. I don‘t think physical distance is the issue... if he continues to refuse to learn and understand, the only solution would be complete silence and a cut off of communication because he can’t stop his mouth....
He isn’t a bad person. It‘s (I think) a massive ego and superiority complex that makes him unable to acknowledge wrong, without a “but“, so he is always defensive about anything remotely resembling a criticism coming from me. And then there’s the lack of understanding of mental health struggles yet refuses to learn.
He and I have been talking about couples therapy. I’m not very confident he’d be willing to accept anything anybody else says if they carry a hint of criticism of him or of any wrong on his part. He is very good at blaming me, for his actions.