Husband Talks About Leaving, I Think Of Suicide

[desiderata310]

"I hope you are not offended but your example is painful and humerus at the same time, maybe because it seems to mirror my situation."

I hope it wasn't painful for you because of what I said. It is painful for me but not because you find it sadly funny. It's painful because of what it meant at the time. No offence taken.

I guess by using something like that to "get your attention" I really do believe that is manipulative. He's not a child though he acts like one. He has the power within himself to control his emotions and that includes taking a time out in the heat of an argument to stop and think about what he is going to say, what the repercussions would be because of that statement and to think of a different tactic of he doesn't think his point is being made clearly. Threatening to leave someone for not understanding a point of view in an argument is not ok. Never.

You mentioned that you don't want to be " that person" and tell him you feel suicidal when he threatens to leave. Yet it's ok for him to emotionally twist you in knots?

No I'm sorry. I should probably stop posting because others don't share my view but what he is saying is not ok. It's wrong and hurtful to anyone: perfectly healthy or with PTSD and worse with PTSD.

 

[TeaLeaf]

desiderata- Thank you for posting, I appreciate it very much. Yes, I think my husbands behavior is childish sometimes. I sort of know it is not ok for him to emotionally twist me in knots and maybe I set a higher standard for myself because I have has extensive therapy and he hasn't?

 

[desiderata310]

Or you're more emotionally mature. However you want to look at it.

 

[desiderata310]

Not sarcasm at all @FridayJones I was very desperately serious. I went through a very bad spell this past spring and could have used a plan that would have helped me deal with my suicidal ideation.

 

[Mystery]

Hi Tealeaf, I'm sorry to hear that you are in such an emotionally unsafe relationship. It is no place for a trauma survivor to grow and heal. I'm currently trying to extricate myself from one right now. It's like living in a trigger zone 24/7.

All people have aggression in them. It's the way we fight for what we want. Assertiveness is the healthiest form of aggression, it says 'I want what I want, I deserve to have it and I respect your right to disagree...I respect your feelings and opinion too'.

Manipulative people use their aggression as an offensive tactic to get what they want. Alot of psychologists say that this is a defence mechanism to avoid pain. With manipulative people it's not that at all. It's instrumental..ie, .offensive. They say with their aggression 'give me what I want and no one gets hurt, your feelings, opinions and needs are not relevant to me'. Relationships with manipulative people are not conducive to healthy communication. They destroy the place that honesty and trust needs to be. How can people grow, be happy, let alone heal within an unsafe space.

I really relate to so much of what you have said. I've been in a manipulative and neglectful relationship for 5 years and it's killing me. Self worth goes to an all time low when you are devalued to that extent. I'm working on it and I still get those instant swings of suicidal ideation at the thought of having to deal with the road ahead, especially how challenging it is for me to deal with stress. Sometimes I think that's my biggest fear. The Unknown. I'm getting there though, I just made a deal with myself a few months ago, that no matter what happens I'm going to find peace and happiness, even if I die trying. It's working... one step at a time. I Googled 'leaving a toxic relationship' back when I made that decision. All sorts of really helpful stuff came up. Here I am on this site now, admitting to myself that I also have a problem that I need to recognize and learn to handle.

My heart goes out to you. I wonder just how much of your current symptoms are from your past trauma and how much they are caused by your current? Not saying at all, that your past trauma has no bearing on your present but rather that you are maybe, living in a trigger zone and blaming everything on your past, when it's possible that it is the present that is making you even more unwell. (((Big Hug))).