Relationship Husband with spouse who suffers from cptsd

[NameHere]

Hello everyone,
I am a new member here and I joined because I don't feel like I have an outlet for letting out my feelings about living with my wife who suffers from CPTSD. I am currently in therapy and being treated for depression and anxiety.

We have been married for 5 years now and the symptoms of CPTSD have been popping up here and there for our entire relationship. Her mother passed away when we were in college and her sister had committed suicide in her teens. Her father is an alcoholic that has sexually abused her and put her through hell with emotional abuse and using her as a pawn in his relationship with her mother. I was aware of most if not all of the issues with emotional and at times physical abuse from early on in our relationship. I was NOT aware of the sexual abuse until about a year and a half ago. When my wife started to go to therapy and participate in EMDR memories of sexual abuse came flooding back. This has been devastating to my wife and at times, our relationship. After continuing with therapy she was diagnosed with CPTSD. My research on this topic has been primarily through the internet as I have no one that has any experience dealing with this disorder in my life other than my wife. I feel like our marriage is really at a make it or break it point. She is restarting therapy but I feel like it might be too little too late and going back to couples therapy doesn't seem like an option right now for financial reasons.

Lately I have been feeling like this is all too much and I just want relief. The thought of losing my wife is devastating to me but I am not sure where I can go from here. It seems that about every 3 weeks we have a huge fight that originates from a small issue. These fights typically snowball into arguments and shutting down for 1-3 days. I just feel pushed away and almost like these arguments are created to keep us divided. There are things in our relationship that I have been working toward through therapy like being more present and not internalizing other people's pain. I have made changes in my life to prove that I am actively trying to help her but it never seems to be enough. Going to therapy and starting medication - not enough. Taking care of household chores - not enough. Asking her what she needs emotionally - She shouldn't have to tell me how to help her. Then the issues of sex in our relationship come up and I am lost. She has told me that she wants and needs sex but has also brought up that I can trigger her and to be honest that scared me pretty bad. I do not want to be a source of pain for her so I have not made many advances. She recently decided that she wanted to take sex off the table so that we can work on other issues. Then, today we got into an argument because of the lack of sex and I just wanted to scream because days earlier she had suggested we not try until we came closer in other aspects of our marriage. I was trying to respect her wishes and provide space but her ideas have changed. This constant change is what scares me the most though. She recently got a large amount of money from her family inheritance and told me that she didnt want to decide on any large investments with me involved because she didn't know if our relationship would last or where it was going. This hurt me deeply as I have been trying to provide as much support as I can. These huge statements and changes have me shook up and I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry for rambling but I needed to get some of this out.

 

[Crow]

I just wanted to say welcome and I hear you. I don't have any relationship advice but I'm sure other supporters will be able to help. This is a great place to find understanding and support.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Welcome @NameHere Sorry to hear what you're going through. It's not easy.

Man oh man oh man. That was my relationship with my husband 29 years ago when I first started to remember what happened as a child. I had amnesia for most of my abuse. And I had DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and PTSD. So my husband had absolutely no idea what he was getting into when he married me. Neither did I for that matter.

And yes all the things you say about your wife, that was and still is me at times.

My husband could've easily written your post. We were three years into our marriage.

One thing a therapist told my husband while I was there in the room was, "If your wife doesn't work on this, you won't have a marriage." The therapist further told my husband that marriage counseling was useless at that point in our lives because the focus needed to be on ourselves not our marriage. That was a tough blow to my husband.

During my first year of remembering, my husband threatened again and again to divorce me if I didn't stop acting the way I was acting. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't change what happened to me. I told my therapist what my husband was threatening and she talked to my husband's therapist. We then had a four-way meeting, 2 Ts and us. My husband's therapist told him either sh*t or get off the pot because this is the way it was going to be for the long haul. My husband chose the sh*t end of the stick and stayed with me.

We made it this far; 32 years next month. It wasn't easy. And it still isn't easy. It's definitely a choice to be made each and every day of our lives; rededicating ourselves to one another with each anniversary.

I know one reason my husband stayed was that his first wife had abandoned him for another man. So he knew how devastating abandonment was first hand. Armed with that knowledge and the fact that this was a more delicate situation, my husband decided he couldn't do the same thing to me. And the other reason; he loves me.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

My husband told me last night that for all the years of our marriage until I integrated in 2006 I just wasn't there. I asked him what he meant by that statement. He said I didn't engage him like I do now. I just disappeared. Wow. He never shared that before.

 

[grimalkin]

Welcome, @NameHere. Quite a few of us have been through it, too. Look over our stories, read about the Stress Cup https://www.myptsd.com/?s=stress+cup, and learn what you can from us (and, of course, leave what you feel doesn't work).

I won't tell you it will be easy, no matter what you choose to do. It sounds like you're on the right track for yourself, in seeking therapy and working on your own issues. Just remember - there is nothing you can do to change your wife or her perceptions of you.

I, too, went through years of constantly changing opinions from my sufferer, and the expectation that I accept whatever the current opinion was as not only final, but always applicable in the past (and pretend the changes never happened)...until it changed again. Sex had been off the table for a long time with my sufferer. I was not trusted to make decisions about our future, our vacations, our home, but was expected to make them anyway.

My sufferer and I also tried marriage counseling at the end - my advice is don't do it until you are both adequately dealing with your own issues. My sufferer wasn't (and still refuses) to seek his own therapy, so he did not have the tools to deal with the additional issues and stresses that couples counseling brought up. That, combined with my own revelations through couples and my individual counseling (that on top of depression and anxiety, I am codependent, with all the baggage that it brings), made our marriage no longer tolerable for my sufferer (and if I'm honest with myself, the codependency allowed me to tolerate far more than I normally would have).

Hugs if you want them, feel free to use us a sounding board, ask questions, etc.

 

[Justmehere]

What stands out to me is a handful of intances where she might be pushing and pulling you at the same time - is that the case? She also seems super reactive and like she expects you to read her mind and anticipate her needs. That's hard.

I'd suggest looking into a book called Dead Link Removed. It is geared for supporters of those with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think it might have a lot of useful tools for you as you navigate all of this.

 

[bento]

@NameHere Wow, that sounds like a long very tough road. The last thing about the
inheritance must have felt like a sucker punch to the gut. The cruel truth is that those
of us who have suffered CPTSD because of child abuse are stuck having to reparent
ourselves and undo all the effects of abuse at the same time. I've done similar things
(wanting super care, basically) as your wife, I finally got a grip by continuing to seek the
right therapist/treatment. Once I found the right fit, it really made a difference.

But the bottom line is we who suffer from CPTSD have to find ways to cope so we don't
become an undue burden on our families. And those of us who have been abused as children
have to reparent ourselves. Otherwise it's easy to regress and want our spouses, friends, or
whoever to act as a parental figure to our regressed ego state. And that takes everybody
down, and in the end we stay stuck in dysfunctional behavior.

If you haven't already check out Pete Walker MSW. I think his book has been advertised
on this site. He's got the best explanation that I've seen yet for CPTSD recovery for
child abuse survivors. Continue getting all the support you can. Best of luck!!!

Best of luck, what you're going through sounds really hard. Very trying for both of you.
Hang in there and best of luck!

 

[Jimmy D]

Hello everyone,
I am a new member here and I joined because I don't feel like I have an outlet for le...

I have been going through some of the same issues as you, except for 37years. The sex stopped 17 yrs ago. I am constantly walking on eggshells and I have no idea from day to day what will set her off. She has worked minimal amount of low paying jobs with years in between. I have never asked her for a dime. It has now gotten worse with it being entirely my fault. Ive known about her abuse since she was 18 and got her out of the situation almost immediately. As long as it takes to set up for a woman and her child. Can someone tell me how long. Shes been in and out of therapy for years. Can someone get over this terrible CPTSD.

 

[Katemaz]

Hi,
So I have CPTSD, I am a therapist and I have been married for 27 years. Not sure if anything i can say will help. I know 27 years right.
So you are responsible to love her not for her. Do you know the difference.
You cannot fix her. You can support her.
Reassure her that we have built a safe place together. I presume things were ok before this? Maybe not. Maybe need to look at what is the dysfunction and what is good old fashioned marriage issues. Every marriage has them.
Validate her experience. Her thoughts and feelings it is okay to think them. No judgement and no siding. She probably is having huge problems herself about what has happened. Breaking the wall of denial is not something we like to do.
Safety, Trust, Community
Very important. Any disturbance in the force and our world spins out of control. We may not know what triggers us. Be so nice if we did. But usually one of these three areas are threatened.
Intimacy has nothing to do with sex. I know bummer right. Every couple has a hard time with intamacy. So here is an opportunity for you and your wife to be practice intamacy.
Do mindfulness. Create space in the moment where you can both breathe. Stop hurtling yourself into a future yu do not know about.
1. Reassure not fix
2. Create safe space for her to process her experience. Where she is not judged or opinions are offered.
3. Reality thinking. Everything she is thinking and feeling is ok. It may be scary, it may not be true. But they feel very real to your wife.
4. Just because she says it, or does it. Does not necessarily mean it is fact. Going to be fact. it means she is reacting to a trauma and she does not know which way is up. I would suggest not to invest money while you or she is feeling this way. Neither of you ae thinking clearly.
5. Testing boundaries. Ok trust is one of the things we do not do well, if at all. So she is testing you all over the place. How are doing. Getting an A or an F? No one likes pop quiz.
6. There is a reason flight attendants always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask 1st before you help other people. You are no good if you are unconscious. So you need to look after yourself. Believe me your wife can barely look after herself. She cannot help right now. Does not mean it does not bother her seeing how this effecting you. So it is importantyou stay well.
7. People with CPTSD do have relationships they can manage it. Look at me. I do not know my triggers. I sure can understand it when I am in one. I am the only one who can take responsibility for it. As much as my lovely husband would want to do it for me. I have to chose to be an active participant in this relationship. Not allow my CPTSD to run the relationship. I refuse to let my abuser take this from me. So that means working with my husband to let me know what is happening. Knowledge is power. Some times we get it right, others we don’t. Normal married life. He loves me. Not my CPTSD. He never holds me accountable for my flashbacks. Which gives me the strength to talk to him about them. I hate my flashbacks. I mean really please can they just go away. I think it helps that he knows it is not directed at him. When one of my three main areas are threatened. I can see the worry on his face. Which makes me feel even worse. He is entitled to his emotions too. I often tell him. I am spinning out of control. I do not know which way is up. I also know that at some point I will get off. Things will right themselves. I just do not know when. it is how we are. I put up with his junk and and he puts up with mine. It is called unconditional love. It is when all that chemical love wears off and you get down to choosing to love everyday. Now the tricky thing the really tricky thing. If you ask me what love is. I could not tell you. If you asked me if I loved him. I would say I do not know. How in the heck would I. But i understand the concept. I believe I love him. Luckily no one ever asks me those questions. The same thing with my children. I love my children. But I have no idea what love actually is. I was not taught it. Or to experience it. I have no idea if what i am doing is love. My husband, my children feel loved. So that is enough. But in a fight and we have had plenty. To the point of using the word ‘divorce’. I have had no problem with that either. So if you push for answer, or decisions you may both get the answer you do not want.
Again i am not sure how much help this actually is.