Husband's Playing Mind Games... I Think

[Notrueself]

Any chance you can get some counseling for the two of you? ...

While I completely agree we need counseling, here's how that played out. Hubby, we need to get some counseling so we can work on some of our communication issues we've been having. (At the time, and still now, I wasn't feeling heard by him and I also wanted him to understand my ptsd better). Hubby says he completely agrees and to find a counselor. I get a couple of names from my counselor (both male) who are highly recommended for couples/families and I tell him I found someone. He asks who and when I say their names he says he doesn't want to go to a male, he would feel more comfortable with a female. The kicker is he's seeing a male therapist now! All of his doctors are male. And he knows I have issues with females. I've pointed that out to him and he had no response except he would just be more comfortable. So that was a few months ago, and I've obtained a female's name, but I'm trying to get past my issues to go. So I'm trying.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh that would drive me bonkers @Notrueself! I commend your work to try to go to see a female and it's got to be frustrating how he is avoiding the real issue of getting his own butt into couples counseling.

With your first post and this last post I see a small pattern of him agreeing to do things and then backing out. Is this a regular thing? This may be playing a role in your leariness of him, if you can't trust he will do what he says he will do and you are constantly adjusting for it.

 

[Notrueself]

Oh that would drive me bonkers @Notrueself! I commend your work to try to go to s...

I'm sure I'm not alone here when I say I have trust issues and I do not depend on people. Period.
When we were married it started with little things, like not finishing a plan he'd made. Then it became projects around the house. I accepted that he's got great intentions, but no follow through when it comes to that kind of thing. Now, I'm noticing he's dependable when the public can see him (like I just had to have surgery) and everyone can say what a great guy. And he's dependable when he has to pick up our son because I work. But, if we're both together in private, he gets nothing done. I've given up asking him to finish things or take care of things because he just points out more of what I could be doing.

I moved back to my home town, where most of my trauma happened so he didn't have to leave his job. I'm going to have to move out of a house I love because he apparently never liked it so we can find a house with a shop (because he's never satisfied with what he has) so he has a place to work on these projects (because that's why they don't get done.) He bought a truck promising me he'd get rid of his other suv (no transmission) right away, and still it sits. And if I try to talk to him about it, he either doesn't say anything, or gets mad, or turns it into I'm blaming him like he's a victim. That's not it, I just want him to do what he said he'd do and sell the dang car.

I know. Perfect candidates for counseling. I probably need to suck it up and just do it, but 1. I'm worried I might dissociate and 2. I'd mainly be doing it for our son at this point. I'm so freaked out by hubby's behavior. It just seems like I'm doing all the sacrificing. And shouldn't this be a partnership?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh that would drive me bonkers @Notrueself! I commend your work to try to go to see a female and it's got to be frustrating how he is avoiding the real issue of getting his own butt into couples counseling.

Agreed! Hell, Id even call his bluff and advise "well, how is that, your current therapist and all other doctors are male. If you dont want to go to couples counseling then you could of just said that". But thats me; but that what it boils down to.

If you can, communicate more, find out where the differences of opinion are, and negotiate a solution

This ^^^^ is what I was speaking of, which came from my ex's & I's couples counselor. Learn to fight fair basically; where all sides feel respected, are heard and not fighting over subjects (buying clothes), but over the end goal (we cant afford to spend right now).

I'm sure I'm not alone here when I say I have trust issues

Absoultly not! I also cannot have a female dr but certianly not a female therapist! Im sorry he's doing this! :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I am quite concerned how much you are sacrificing with him and I think your leariness of him has partly to do with trauma and partly because he has proven you can't trust what he says he will do and over time, there is a natural consequence of that for you both.

Here's the thing - couples counseling is an excellent idea. It's also great he has his own counselor.

However, counseling may or may not change some of these fundamental behaviors of his. He has shown who he is really pretty clearly. For him, what he is doing is working just well enough that he doesn't have reason to do the hard work of change.

I think perhaps the first step to take is to not try to change him or get discouraged with yourself went you can't drag his butt into therapy, but to focus on the one person you can control: you. With the help of the therapist you have now, you can learn to set and keep some boundaries. To learn it's safe now to say no and not always give up all your needs for his desires.

He won't like it. But that frustration and pain he will feel might motivate him to get his butt into the couples therapist his wife likes the best to figure out how to make this work so he doesn't hear a painful "no" as much.

Since he does perform differently for the public than he does with just the two of you, therapy with a couple counselor is likely something he will drag his feet about until he is motivated enough to go. After the gender issue, there likely will be another reason why he bails on it. The real issue is probably the fact that he knows he will be held accountable in therapy. He will have an "audience" of sorts there, and both of you will be challenged to make some hard changes.

Don't beat yourself up at all about not going to see the female therapist. I see some health in actually sticking to the therapist you like best since you are putting in the work to set it up. There is a place for compromise but that's when both parties do it. He may continue to avoid it even if you sacrifice more and go see the female therapist.

Don't get too discouraged with yourself if you find setting and keeping boundaries to be really hard to do. You learned to compromise so much in order to survive trauma, and you did that.

I think it would be very reasonable to inform him you have set up a couples therapy session and he is welcome to come with you. Then regardless of he decides to go with you or not, you can go. Even if he doesn't go, you can go without him. If he sees you going, he knows he is gonna look bad for not showing up. It might motivate him to get his butt in the door.... And even more so, I think it would be a great step towards having and keeping stronger boundaries with him and learning how to honor what you really need to make this relationship work.

 

[Notrueself]

For him, what he is doing is working just well enough that he doesn't have reason to do the hard work of change.

Perfectly said! He's even told me he likes to manipulate "certain" people just enough to suit his needs. He's not a big people person to begin with.

And all of your points are very valid. I will work with my counselor on boundaries, and will look into who I'd like to see for couples counseling and we'll see what happens.

You all have been very helpful, and I don't feel as triggered as I was (which was not a good thing). There was a lot I needed to hear and a lot that was put into perspective, which was huge! Thank you so much!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I agree @Justmehere said it perfectly!

 

[Just Sayin']

For him, what he is doing is working just well enough that he doesn't have reason to do the hard work of change.

THIS.

I worried so much about whether I was being reasonable and not "PTSD-y" -- not to mention the effects of the abandonment layer -- that I've been the enabler of some pretty crappy behavior in past relationships. I see a behavior I know I have a problem with, but it's hard to figure out which problem - bad behavior or my PTSD-inspired irrational fears.

For the partner purposely taking advantage of that, means he/she gets to whatever they want at no cost to themselves (in a general sense -- not attempting to judge in this specific post).

It does seem passive aggressive though. I had an ex that did that, so maybe I'm projecting. He resented me because of my PTSD symptoms and believed that I "shouldn't have PTSD ... at least not with him because I was safe with him and I should know that." Yep, you got me, dude. I secretly have the ability to control it and make if follow rational rules, but I don't get better even though I can just so I can mess with you.

 

[aquascape]

I'd follow him inside and confront him. He has no right to be a grouchy bear and especially not in front in a child. If this is a habit, tell him to leave for several days if he needs time to think about it. Pack his bag. He has a choice and being an asshole (as joeylittle said) is an option that leads in one distinct direction.

My ex used my anxiety against me and made my life a living hell as my PTSD from both childhood and now the marriage reigned supreme for many years. Now when I run into a girlfriend that behaves in a manner that triggers my PTSD that I explain it very clearly that she has a choice and one of those choices is the door. It's not a 100% fair, but it's just the only way that a relationship with me can survive. (Or, the only way that I can survive in a relationship).

 

[mamachick]

Crumbs. Sounds like you are getting crumbs. He is not bad enough to divorce or leave, but is withholding of his committments, is slippery in making committments (wrong kind of therapist after you did the work), and not making any real attempts to make things better.

 

[Notrueself]

Crumbs. Sounds like you are getting crumbs. He is not bad enough to divorce or leave, but is withholding of his committments, is slippery in making committments (wrong kind of therapist after you did the work), and not making any real attempts to make things better.

Exactly, and very well put.

 

[mamachick]

@Notrueself, You are right, it was a no brainer!
From everything I have read in this thread that you shared, I don't think your reaction is due to past relationships or that you are over reacting . He does sound passive aggressive to me as well, but there is not enough information here to say that with certainty.

Behaving differently public and private, (great he was so good taking care after surgery) combined with not selling the vehicle, not finishing projects, needing a shop to do the promised projects, and more all sound like someone I have had a relationship with that is definately passive aggressive. That was the first thing I thought when I began reading your post One indicator of PA is when you feel angry and guilty at the same time. ie Angry at their behavior and then guilty because maybe you are being too hard on them, expecting too much , not really their fault, etc.

If that is the case, counseling can even be very tricky. They can be so nice, so agreeable, and after all, all they want to do is please you but these misunderstanding and extinuating circumstances keep getting in the way. They always have some explainable logic why they didn't finish the project or sell the vehicle. Either something came up, they didn't have the right equipment, or it is just a simple difference in thinking, they forgot, etc. Example in therapy: (I was waiting to sell the suv until near our anniversary because I was planning on buying my wife this wonderful gift with the money). Now who looks like the meanie? usually the same one feeling guilty. Not that this is your situation. Hopefully, he does not do these things but if he is passive aggressive this way, please do everything to learn about this and take good care of yourself (don't buy into the self blame or undeserving stuff) .

If he uses passive aggressive communication as a primary style of communication, therapy may be very difficult. (even with a skilled therapist) Direct honest assertive communication on your part may not do anything to encourage him to do the same. Some people really do not know that they do these things, they are really in denial but their big fear is you having the upper hand. They secretly do not want you to get what you want, for you to feel too comfortable and secure about things but even they are not aware of doing it intentionally. They will absolutely deny breaking the vacuum when you ask them to help with housework or not finishing the job for months being anything but accident of forgetfulness. Often, they provide just enough to keep their partner in with some hope, but there are an awful lot of disappointments.

I hope that you find a good therapist for counseling and hope that you share how it goes. I will be praying for help for you as understand how this can play into the ptsd negatively. If you discover he is passive aggressive and need to talk, feel free to message me, I have had decades of experience with this but most importantly, compassion.