Hygiene After Sexual Abuse

[austint]

It has been over two years since I left the man that forced me to have the kind of sex he knew I didn't want, things went really badly in court, he has my daughter now.

After she left I threw myself into work, I tried to tell myself if I got enough money I could run far away and come back for her someday. But my boss kept sayng he would help me get my daughter back, then every friday night he would show up and insist on sleeping at my house with me to make sure I was safe.

If I said no he would say he was going to call the cops and tell them to put me on a suicide hold. I never slept with him, I would make him sit outside the front door, or he would wait in his car. Then he bought a nanny cam in a teddy bear for me when I did go the hospital, when I ripped it apart and found the camera I threw it away and he screamed at me.

He had been putting his hands between my thighs for months when we were alone, and trying to get me drunk, but I was hiding a pregnancy from another rape. One day he kissed the back of my neck when we were in a meeting. I told him no and that was where I was held down when I got raped.

He yelled at me and said most women orgasm from that and I probably wasn't raped I just didn't like sex. Since then the times between showers got longer and longer. I couldn't take off my clothes to get into the shower. He had said he wanted to put cameras in my house to make sure I was safe, and even though I moved over and over I just want to pull the skin off my neck where he kissed me and my ex held me down.

Since I got on new meds the time between showers is a bit better. I still sleep in my clothes and sometimes wear them for days because I can't take them off, even though I know he isn't here, there are no cameras any more, but I want my body back.

When I had my hearing against the man that raped me the first two times he spent twenty minutes talking about my body and my weight, and the judge let him. He proved my body was his toy in a court of law.

I want to shake it off so badly, I want me back, I liked who I was. I was good at my job, I was a great mom, I was a long distance runner and I never cheated on my husband. Even in these over two years since I left him I haven't let my self standards down by sleeping with anyone else.

I want to be healthy. I want to get into the shower instead of hiding in bed for hours, afraid.

 

[y5L]

I'm sorry all this happened and I'm sorry it's making it so hard for you to shower. I have had a hard time showering as well.

While I still won't shower every day, and sometimes I still get pulled into obsessive mode while showering (scrubbing too hard or washing over and over), what has MOST helped me is singing. Really loudly. Songs that bring me hope, peace, or joy. I have the words from favorite songs laminated and will post one or two on the wall in the shower. Focusing on that often keeps the anxiety to a minimum!

 

[austint]

OH MY GOSH!! THAT IS THE BEST IDEA! Wow, that is seriously such a good idea! I used to read to my daughter when she took baths when she was little. I would get multi colored fizzy things to put in and stick my feet in after wearing heels to work or staying on my feet all day making sure the house was perfect for her dad so he wouldn't get mad and fight. I would read library books aloud and if she got bored I would do my nails or read harper's bizarre or glamour and we would make up silly songs about the crazy clothes, colors and whales and bubble bath. Thank you for reminding me of this, I got her an orca doll, like free willy, to play with in the tub and she insisted on calling it Mr. Dolphin. I would tell her over and over it was an orca, a whale, and she said it's Mr. Dolphin Mom! She never relented, so after a week of this lame attempt at marine education he became Mr. Dolphin.

 

[zeckster81]

Do you think showering in a bathing suit could be a step closer to showering without clothes. At least you are getting in the shower and maybe eventually feel comfortable taking the suit off or wearing one that is more and more revealing as u start to feel more and more comfortable. Just a thought.

 

[The Albatross]

Someone gave me a visualization (because of rapes I was afraid to shower because if someone tried to come in I wouldn't hear)... standing in the shower, let the water beat down on the top of your head. As you breathe in, and out, imagine rainbows (if you choose) or white light coming from the shower head. It hits the top of your head and drips down your body... cleansing with white light or rainbows. As you breathe in and out visualize the water inside the skin, not just on your skin... and washing away the dark places replacing them with white light or rainbows. Down down down it goes until it comes out the bottom of your feet. Visualize it going down the drain.

It was very healing and beneficial for me. It helped me to get over the phobia, and it was a phobia because the fear of showering didn't have anything directly to do with a trauma/sexual assault or rape.

 

[bluebird]

I am sorry you went through this... sonetimes, when I was struggling really badly with these issues, I asked somebody to wait for me in the living room while I was taking a shower - it helped me realise I am safe, that I am not alone anymore. Or I had a planned phone call before and after taking a bath... Singing is also a great way to reduce anxiety. Maybe some of these ideas will be helpful for you. Oh ! And definitely bubble bath - strong smells keep me grounded :rolleyes:

 

[austint]

I spent another three days not showering or exercising. Tommorow is Mother's day, third year with out my daughter, third year she is with my rapist instead of me. Third year I couldn't deliver all her hopes to her. I didn't exercisse again today, I didn't sleep last night and I felt sick. I did shower though. I am afraid for tommorow, every day is another day of hopelessness, of knowing that reality is that no matter how hard I work, or ever have worked, or loved and provided for my child her dad will always keep me in his cage. I hope I can shower tommorow, I am afraid of the pain and the somatic memories of having my clothes off, I won't want to sleep tonight because it will mean waking up tommorow to another day inside of his punishment. He always said if I left him he would take her away from me, and he did.