Hypervigilance and freezing

[SeekingAfrica]

There is anxiety days and then there are... can't-function kind of days. I don't know how I got through months of them last time. I have been doing okay for a while, but I found myself unempoyed and then it's like all my symptoms got worse. I was okay, I was better, I was calm. I decided I'll be organized and get it together. I didn't waste any time, I made schedule for job search and went to bed early.

And then there is today. I missed all my alarms and woke up in panic and every fear I've been avoiding came back with vengeance. I had panic attack, then I was calm for 20 min and then I started crying and I couldn't stop. I can't get a hang on myself, it's like my mind is filled to the brim with this mind-numbing panic. I can't breathe, I can't think clearly. I can't get out of bed. My apartment is a mess and I can't stand it. I can't think clearly, it's like every sense I have, touch, sound, it's like everything is dialed to the max and all I can think about is the panic. Like if I had to get out of the house today I wouldn't be able to. And everything is this thick daze of fear and panic and I can't... Like I don't know how to exist. I don't feel like a human being, I can't function, and flashes of memories go through me randomly. I don't know how I'll get through this.

 

[blackemerald1]

@SeekingAfrica - you are having a "I can't day". And I've had plenty of those too. I still have them. I think I decided to have one yesterday actually. Sigh...

So,

You can chose to fold in on yourself and go with that and allow it to pass by which it will. And NOT feel guilt or remorse.

Or, you can say (to yourself) I can do a few small things... like get out of bed, make it and straighten up your apartment and then be satisfied with that for the day. And NOT feel any guilt or remorse.

Or, you can say (to yourself) F*ck this. I've got bigger fish to fry today and I'm going to get through my list and blitz it all.. and NOT feel guilt and remorse.

There is always tomorrow regardless of what you decide.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself. Eat, exercise and wash. (Eew!) That is an accomplishment just doing that. :) :hug:

 

[Survivor3]

There is anxiety days and then there are... can't-function kind of days. I don't know how I got through months of them last time. I have been doing okay for a while, but I found myself unempoyed and then it's like all my symptoms got worse. I was okay, I was better, I was calm. I decided I'll be organized and get it together. I didn't waste any time, I made schedule for job search and went to bed early.

And then there is today. I missed all my alarms and woke up in panic and every fear I've been avoiding came back with vengeance. I had panic attack, then I was calm for 20 min and then I started crying and I couldn't stop. I can't get a hang on myself, it's like my mind is filled to the brim with this mind-numbing panic. I can't breathe, I can't think clearly. I can't get out of bed. My apartment is a mess and I can't stand it. I can't think clearly, it's like every sense I have, touch, sound, it's like everything is dialed to the max and all I can think about is the panic. Like if I had to get out of the house today I wouldn't be able to. And everything is this thick daze of fear and panic and I can't... Like I don't know how to exist. I don't feel like a human being, I can't function, and flashes of memories go through me randomly. I don't know how I'll get through this.

I feel like that a lot at the moment, it's not a good place to be.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@SeekingAfrica - you are having a "I can't day". And I've had plenty of those too. I still have them. I think I decided to have one yesterday actually. Sigh...

Whatever you do, take care of yourself. Eat, exercise and wash. (Eew!) That is an accomplishment just doing that. :) :hug:

Thanks, that is such a useful list you made! When I can't function even thinking of what options I have is overwhelming so this is useful.

I don't know which of these I'll do, maybe bits of each. I really don't have the capacity to plan now. I made a list of 3 work things I hope to do, and I cleaned my desk. Literally just removed the mess of it to another table, but still, I needed clean work space.

I think a big issue of this is that short of a miracle, I maybe won't have enough food this coming week. I have whatever is left and that's not going to get me through the week. Plus I usually eat a lot of sugar and have't had any for couple of days. Especially on day like today that would have been calming, but instead I skipped breakfast and only had half lunch. But I just need to tell myself I can get through this week and do better.

But anyway. Thank you for the list. It will be useful, especially with how I feel today. And not feeling guilty is very hard for me. Ugh. I feel like I would snap if I had the option, but I have no food or alcohol or anything such and I feel like I'm pushed in a corner and have to push back, but I have no idea how.

@Survivor3 sorry you feel this way too, it's awful.

The unemployment- lack of food combo makes everything seem extreme and urgent, how do I not feel guilty if I'm unable to do much today?

 

[blackemerald1]

What are your food sources? Time to settle that problem if possible. Make a list of all charity's, churches, soup kitchens etc., and find out where they are, what they offer and their hours.

When I had no money for food I went to a local food distribution outlet for a small church. In return for assisting to pack the food parcels, unpack the pallets and being a general dogs body... I was grateful to accept some really useful food products that helped me get by. I didn't have to do anything to receive my portion of food but I wanted to. I became a regular there for a long time. I suppose helping out made me feel less vulnerable, less useless, more in control and stable.

Is this possible for you to do?

The lack of employment problem is really difficult. What other skills do you have that can be utilized?

You've mentioned you can dance. Can you offer dance tutoring (is there such a thing?) to school girls or for people that want to do it as a relaxation stress management tool like you. Could you approach your dance school and see if they have anything on offer?

Cleaner, waitress, bar-maid - I've done them all and usually if you are willing to work the crazy hours there may be somewhere you can pick up some permanent part time work to supplement your usual income and maybe even tide you over until translation work picks up again. You never know.. part-time work may lead to permanent and better paid work. Check out all options.

I really feel for you :hug: It's not good being so reliant on work that is unstable. After food I would be making that a priority because it solves almost all of your other issue's and I think you will be amazed how much more energy you have if you can throw a few of those monkeys off your back... Knowing that the rent, food and utilities are all paid is a huge accomplishment. Aim just for that and see how you feel. I know you have debt - that too is a huge burden.

The important thing to remember is that I think you can extract yourself out of this horrible situation but you are becoming overwhelmed and it's all wearing you down little by little. I have no doubt you want to snap but honestly that is the last thing that should happen and I am also sure that once you regain a little bit of control the desire to snap may recede.

Clearing your desk is a good start. :hug: Build on that. I will be watching and waiting to hear from you. :)

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@blackemerald1 Hi!

Well, there aren't such food services here unfortunately, I've tried to find some before. There are couple that work organisation to organisation (like, organisation gathering food brings it to an orphanage for example) but nothing where I can just stop by or something.

Same for getting a temporary job, for a different reason:(. I am not in my native country and when I was getting the work permit I have it is based on self-employment in my given field. So to start working as bartender or anything such I need a permit that costs more than I spend on 2 weeks of food. I'm sure some people would work without contract and permit, but I want to stay in this country so I can't risk it.

In the mean time one of my pocket money gigs is back on. I am hoping to do 4 hours on it today and split my days between looking for better gig and doing half day on this gig. If I was doing it full time it still wouldn't be enough for all my bills even, but it will cover food. It's a start. I won't get pay for a week, but after that I'll get something. So it's a start.

I did half hour and then got anxious again, so I'm taking this in breaks until I start feeling like a human again. I think having this gig back, however badly paid, adds a bit of structure and stability to my day. So it will help me pay for food, and help me stay afloat mentally, hopefully, so that tomorrow morning I can start applying. I want to work on my business so that I'm not so reliant on work, but one thing at a time... I have a list of temp gigs to apply for, paid slightly better, and paid weekly which is important now. I don't know how I'll get through this and cleaning the apartment to be honest, I have limited energy right now. But hoping to get a workout in later. If I can make myself do it. But I just need the things that make me feel me to make it through.

Anyway, that's the update right now. It's not much, but it's a start.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I forgot how tiring emotional meltdowns are. I think my night will be couple of hours on the pocket money gig and lots of sleep. Trying to master the not-feeling-guilty part. To forgive myself about today and about managing as much as I manage and starting over tomorrow.

 

[blackemerald1]

I think if you have limited energy spend it wisely. :hug: You are doing just fine. You are working through what you want to do as opposed to what you must do. That's a really good way to go.

Hope you have a great sleep and can shake off the negative feelings and have a better day. :)