Relationship I’m beat up by guilt and not knowing what to do.

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @TwilightDream and @Buttercup , for your kind words. :notworthy::hug:

If I can use only MHExperience, I think, speaking for myself, I had a large degree of not believing there was much impact, and a medium degree of denial (it did not occur to me, fear I suppose was paramount) when I ghosted on good people, in my early and earlier past. It was a process (years) to realize it may have caused hurt, which then I felt very badly about.

I did not have to leave abusive people- because they're never really 'there'; no support, care, love, concern, 'care' for me.

It's funny, I was reminded today of a man I know, I can't seem to do anything wrong to him, in knowing him 2 years. Stepping back from it, like an observer, I think to myself 'I couldn't begin to explain to you ', for so many reasons (none of which are because of anything lacking in him, btw). As an 'observer' (my heart is not involved), I think, he is positive about it because he sees promise; I see pain.

To answer

But in my current situation, I'm really not sure if I would be willing to try again.

That is ok. :hug:

If I may ask, what is it that makes you willing with your partner?

Idk if it's the same with sufferers as supporters, but for me as a sufferer and to answer (your) question @B.J. , there is a form of isolation where I just have to get away, and another (usually triggered) that starts (and continues) a chain of thoughts which are very final for me. The only factors which change that are the other person's combination of reaching out to me, and their ability to communicate with understanding/ tolerance/ forgiveness, and/ or totally unexpected/ uncontrollable happenings/ info that change my perspective or remind me of things I forgot (my mind doesn't remember at those times). So I'm not sure what to say- it's come from the outside before I could begin to think differently within.

However, ptsd or not they say the path of true love is never smooth. But I do believe it's much to take on to even try with ptsd in the mix. In my parents case, I would say they were above-averagly crazy about each other, so they overcame much (with many times my mom saying she had cried her self to sleep, however). But you really need both people trying to deal with their own 'stuff'. (JMHO).

Hugs to all. :hug:

 

[Freida]

^^^^^^^^ Brilliantly said @Junebug

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Freida . I'm fearful to offend, but it's just trying to be honest.

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I forgot something to add @B.J. - I hope this makes sense (my guts are killing me :sick: )- re: your action/ the reaction- many sufferers (at least myself) have much shame about having ptsd, and there's fear of stigmatization and repercussions/ consequences of the stigma- occupationally and personally. Obviously you do not feel this way about your sufferer- or you could not be in a relationship with him. But this is possibly feeding in to the situation- but does not have to do with trust or forgiveness.

And in my experience reassurance it is not shameful doesn't help. It reminded me of a friend of several years saying to me a short time ago, (I didn't know if it was 'ok'), 'everything you do is good'. Which was sweet, and I've remembered it once or twice when feeling badly about myself. Because all that came to me hearing it was my own internal thought of, ~'that's a far cry away from being a monster'.

I doubt I would have believed it though without knowing the person knew me for years and has seen and known about much of my worst low times/ behaviours and such.

Not sure if that helps, or is applicable in your case. But the shame, and self-hatred, and fear, and fear of disclosure/ the future/ repercussions/ gossip/ job loss , can be immense.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

It helps @Junebug. With me knowing him and his situation and also knowing the employer (at least trusting her), I wouldn’t have thought about his possible job loss or anything coming to the surface to harm him. I understand the shame of it all; I understand the fear and guilt. I take all of my actions whether mistakenly or purposely to heart. One thing should be known, I would never in my life time ever try to intentionally try to harm anyone, most of all, not him. He’s been my inspiration for the entire time we were together and I LOVE HIM with all that’s in me. I’m currently trying to give space and understanding, but I’m losing hope by the day.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @B.J. I am very sorry for your hurting heart. :(:cry:

Well there's a lot of ignorance and misinformation out there about ptsd. And because you trusted her it doesn't mean he trusted her, or that she even likes him or vice versa. But it sounds like you were concerned, or thought it helpful.

I was once in that position- fearing personal info was out, based on what someone else said to me in private (and they immensely don't like me), combined with gossip, and I felt shocked, potentially betrayed, horribly frightened, disappointed, and triggered that the people and environment were unsafe. Terrified to not defend others and feel badly if I didn't; juxtaposed with being afraid it's a sham- and most traumas were riddled with shams.

I decided this: it seems logical to me someone who dislikes me would want me to feel poorly, if they go to such lengths; everyone is responsible for their own choices; gossip is wrong and often filled with inaccuracies; nothing I can do if it's so, other than get away; give credit where past trust has never been violated.

I take all of my actions whether mistakenly or purposely to heart. One thing should be known, I would never in my life time ever try to intentionally try to harm anyone, most of all, not him. He’s been my inspiration for the entire time we were together and I LOVE HIM with all that’s in me

We can hope he recognizes, and remembers this. And values it. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Yes @B.J. I am very sorry for your hurting heart. :(:cry:

Well there's a lot of igno...

Thank you so much @Junebug. A lot of what you said makes sense. I know he is carrying a lot in his mind and spirit about who to trust and what was said concerning him. As you mentioned, hopefully he’ll remember and understand that I meant him no harm and that I am only concerned with is well-being.

 

[Freida]

One thing should be known, I would never in my life time ever try to intentionally try to harm anyone, most of all, not him. He’s been my inspiration for the entire time we were together and I LOVE HIM with all that’s in me.

Not sure if this helps but what @Junebug said about shame got me thinking. He knows this ^^^^. That's not the problem. Love never is. It's facing what comes with it. The shame, disgust, pain. The belief that you are unlovable and that you will only cause harm to those around you. Then something happens that reinforces that belief and you feel like you are drowning.

This is where I'm at right now. I have to stay away from the people I love because someone will do or say something that will rock my world and I'll bail. And there is nothing they can do to help me to make me see it differently.

I wish I could offer something from this side but I have nothing. I"m at home and it's hard to stay here. I want to run. All it would take is one small push and I'm out the door. I KNOW they love me. And I KNOW it's not rational. sort of. And I KNOW I'm not good for them. And I KNOW it's not rational. sort of. and I know if I take off --- I wouldn't be able to answer if I was coming back because I don't know. How far do I have to go to outrun my own mind?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Not sure if this helps but what @Junebug said about shame got me thinking. He knows t...

My heart goes out to you @Freida. I wish I had the verbal support to give you in this struggle you’re having. You definitely help me to understand what he’s going through. Yes, we as supporters see it as irrational, but there’s nothing we can do about it. As mentioned, it takes the person going through it to help themselves, if that can happen at that time.

I’m never sure if it’s a cognitive distortion or and Anniversary reaction or what, because I’m not sure if dates or anything at this time. I’m also not sure if he’s playing me or not, who really knows? All I know is, if and when he returns, I will approach the conversation with positivity and understanding. However, I’m not going to fall into anymore traps because I don’t think I could handle this again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @Freida , and that's in an ideal situation.

It becomes easiest to scrap it all.

How far do I have to go to outrun my own mind?

^^ This is so very true.

 

[Buttercup]

@Junebug , thank you very much. I have read many of your posts. You are incre...

So I am in a different place on this now because I have had a rough week. I now feel like I need to start that process again of moving on...for good. And once I do that, it would be too damaging to go back into it and expect anything to be different. I can make changes in myself till the cows come home, but none of that will change now he reacts to things. I've tried. I've been calm, positive , loving and forgiving. I have been detached and focusing on me. None of this has helped my relationship with him. Not that I can tell, anyway. But it has helped me of course and that's a positive for sure. Oh well.

 

[anon1234]

Take a personal time-out before you make an irreversible decision. Don't make a decision this weekend - go for a walk, do something that you enjoy, see some friends. See how you feel in a few days. I've had these feelings before and have realized that I can sometimes act too hastily and do something I regret.