Relationship I’m beat up by guilt and not knowing what to do.

[Buttercup]

Thanks @anon1234, I was just coming out of my funk when I read this and it makes me feel better. Yeah, I think this will be a me weekend.

 

[anon1234]

You're welcome! I had to do this about a week ago...my solution has been to work out every time my thoughts start racing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There was none of this “is it PTSD or him“ business cloudying things up. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if it’s PTSD or him, because he has PTSD. That IS him. Just like being active duty military IS him. Or being a hunter/sports fan/business traveller/etc. IS him. It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s an every day thing, or a seasonal thing, or an intermittent thing. It’s a thing.

OMG YES! If I could like this a million times I would! I don't get the "is it PTSD or him" crap. He IS the PTSD and the PTSD IS him. Him with PTSD is a total package and if you can't handle months of isolation then don't get in a PTSD relationship.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

For the record, as mentioned in an earlier post, I HAD NO CLUE about a ptsd relationship. I didn’t start my research of this illness until I had been in the relationship for a period of time. Since learning of the dynamics of ptsd, it’s giving me insight on how to better understand what’s going on and how to deal with it when it comes up. This was the first time I’ve ever entered into a relationship with someone who has a mental illness (that I know of) and it was definitely a learning process. He’s turned completely cold and heartless toward me which is very surprising because I didn’t think I would ever have to experience that behavior from him (still learning), he is treating me like a villain of which I haven’t given him reason to do, he has started to protect friends of mine from me (which is baffling). All of this is extremely shocking to me (supporter who is learning). Please understand that if I had known before the relationship, that would have given me the opportunity to make a clear decision on if this was something I could handle.

 

[Snowflakes]

Please understand that if I had known before the relationship, that would have given me the opportunity to make a clear decision on if this was something I could handle.

More than you know, most of us who come here, often at the end of our rope, have this same thought. It’s usually in the form of an internal thought question born from frustration and maybe a bit of anger....”If I had known, would I have stayed with him/her?” While the thought may cross our minds, we must realize that, in the beginning, we would have thought even if we did know that either love could conquer all or it would not be this bad for us.

I truly understand your thoughts and your pain. You are right, all this is baffling and a learning process. I hope you find your answers. Take care. Gentle hug is appropriate and you accept.

 

[Freida]

Just a side note -- I don't know about the rest of the sufferers but I was also at the end of my rope when I found this site. I didn't know that anyone else felt like I did, or made the mistakes that I did, or would support me in my insanity and shame. And I had NO idea about the impact my behavior had on my supporters.

 

[joeylittle]

This was the first time I’ve ever entered into a relationship with someone who has a mental illness (that I know of) and it was definitely a learning process.

Not to derail the thread - but I'm curious, is this the first relationship you've been in with someone who is 15-ish years younger than you?

There's a concept in most types of diagnosis (not just mental health) - and it has to do with looking at all possible causes of an issue. This isn't to say that your partner's mental health isn't playing into the relationship dynamic - it seems very likely that it is. But, it's good to keep an eye on all the other situational factors as well. Not so things can be sorted into columns called, "these are PTSD things", "these are typical relationship road-blocks" - but I think, more so you can have a sense of how there are things that play out in relationship dynamics that might be exacerbated by a mental illness, or made more complicated by a mental illness, but are also just hard all by themselves.

The things that come to mind, in your relationship, are the age difference, and that you'd been together less than a year and had just moved in together when things started unraveling. That second part is situational - but lots of couples don't quite make it much past six months to a year, and moving in together definitely puts even more stable/long-term relationships under stress.

The age difference can also add stress to a relationship. Not that couples can't be very happy with 10, 15, 20 years age difference between them - I'm sure we can all think of examples. But navigating the timing of it: the differences between where each person is at, life-wise, and staying in sync with each other even when the life-stressors are very different - that's tough.

Just some food for thought.

 

[Buttercup]

For the record, as mentioned in an earlier post, I HAD NO CLUE about a ptsd relationship. I didn’t start...

Sounds like things are going from bad, to worse, to horrible with your situation .

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I will agree, things have definitely gone further south in our former relationship. I honestly do believe that his illness plays a key factor in his decision making right now. I’m not the first older gent he’s been with, and he’s not the first younger gent I’ve been with, so the age difference really wasn’t a factor to be concerned with. He would remind me that he preferred men who were more mature. I usually go for people a older, but never ruling out someone s little younger.

Things initially went bad when I was laid off from my employment. Then it was like he was looking for reasons to go (none of which made sense). As I mentioned, I’m really not looking for anything else from him except reconnecting as friends only. Although I love him with all my heart, my trust is not in place as it once was.

 

[Hojay]

Just taking our convo from the other thread here because it's your own thread (don't want to derail the other one.)

Things initially went bad when I was laid off from my employment. Then it was like he was looking for reasons to go

This is a bit of a red flag to me. Did/do you feel like he was taking advantage of you monetarily? You mention he's now starting to turn some of your friends against you. That's not PTSD or being symptomatic. That's called triangulation and it's another red flag. In any case, it seems like he has bad boundaries. If he doesn't want a relationship/friendship with you, it's up to him to uphold his boundaries. What he's doing now is keeping you tethered. Don't let him, is my two cents.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Just taking our convo from the other thread here because it's your own thread (don't want to derail the o...

He’s not turning anyone against me, he just shared private information with me from a friend I confided in. (None of his business)! Keep in mind, he gave to me as much as I gave to him; I can’t let that go unacknowledged. However, I think my being laid off freaked him out as far as security goes, so therefore causing him to run. I am a reflective person, so I’ve had chances to play-back the dating time and understand his part in a lot of it. I do feel as if his manipulative, enmeshed mother taught him how to not appreciate people for who they are.