I’m out of ideas, i don’t know what to do

[LoveTea]

I’ve really been struggling recently with my relationships with people. I’ve been having a lot of problems with one of my supervisor, who I feel like has been leaving me out socially and at work, and will only interact with me when I’m panicking/dissociating. I tried tot talk to her for months, but it never really worked, so I finally emailed her about 3 weeks ago. She said she did want to talk about some of it when she responded.

Well for about a week and a half she over did it in trying aggressively hard to pay attention to me and talk to me and know what was happening with me. Now she has slipped back into only talking to me when something is wrong, but now it is worse because she doesn’t really help me, she just tells me to deal with it (I know she is trying to get me to be more independent about it, but she didn’t work out a plan or anything with me, she just decided it on her own and hasn’t talked to me). I don’t know what to do, I feel like I shouldn’t have to remind her every 2 weeks that she is supposed to like talking to me.

Also, she never sat down to talk to me. I’ve been mentioning that I’ve wanted to meet with her when she’s available since the beginning of school, and she even suggested it herself in the email. With every other student, she will constantly remind them they should meet, and she never does that with me, even though I’m there all the time.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have much support in my life, and she has always said she’d be there for me (or be honest whe she couldn’t). She tells me to reach out for help, but then she isn’t there when I need it most. She says she loves me but now, it feels like she only deals with me because she has to.

I just don’t know what to do, my only other support person is my best friend (who is also friends with my supervisor). I don’t want to have to depend on her more than I already do, that’s not fair, and my supervisor is my only adult figure I can turn to. But, I feel like I’ve also pushed myself way out of my comfort zone to try to initiate anything getting better, and I’m so discouraged and frustrated, and I just can’t deal with the abandonment again.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Are you seeing a therapist? I have found that my therapist is the best person to lean on and get tools from.

 

[Chem Lady]

That does sound very frustrating. I'm sorry. I understand how hard it is to have few supporters in life. It can get lonely very quickly, and it often can feel as though you are the only one supporting yourself.
I have found that it's a very rare person who actually can provide a reasonable amount of support to a non-family member. For goodness sake! All of my family members completely suck at providing support!!! When I come across a new person who says they want to support me in life I always take that with a very large grain of salt. Maybe they can do a little something here or there, but the majority of people don't seem to have what it takes to truly care about a person who has tough life experiences like we do. I try to take the little bits I can from a few people and try to remember that I mostly need to take care of myself and that I don't have any "rocks" to lean on when things are really tough. It has taken me 13 years and I have slowly gained a few fairly solid people to be there for me when I need.
Hang in there! You've got us, here, we'll try to be there for you when you need. Hopefully, over time, you'll accumulate a few more people in your corner.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you should go back and read the last thread you wrote about this same topic and focus on the responses that stated this isn't a healthy employee/supervisor relationship.

 

[The Albatross]

I think you've got quite a lot of expectations from a supervisor. Friendship, mentorship/teacher, even your abandonment issues. More stable support should be gained independently from work perhaps.

 

[LoveTea]

@TexCat yes I do have a T and we have been talking about it the last couple weeks, but it doesn’t really seem to be going anywhere. She mostly wants to discuss how the whole thing makes me feel. But I don’t know how to use that to help me. I guess I’m angry, but every once in a while she’s there and I’m loved and I’m just so confused.

@Chem Lady thanks, I think you are totally right, it’s really hard to find someone who can really replace family, most people have family of their own. I’m 20 and people act like I’m an adult and can suddenly do everything on my own. I keep feeling like I finally have solid people and within a few years they are always gone. I know it takes time, especially for me, but I just want to shut down and lock everyone out. I know that isn’t the way to handle it, but I can’t keep expecting the people who say they will be there to be there.

@EveHarrington I know it isn’t healthy, but my parents currently owe me a couple grand and I can’t afford to just leave. I can’t just get another job because my ptsd keeps getting in the way. I can’t just return to an employee/employer relationship, it’s really not that kind of workplace. We are physcially building and doing things a lot, so it is very social. I love what I do, and this is the last time I will get to do it (it’s not something I could persue professionally after college).

@The Albatross you are right, I do have a lot of expectations, and I’m really trying to manage them so that they are reasonable. I feel like expecting the same or at least somewhat similar social experience to my peers isn’t unreasonable though. I get that everyone has their days, and it won’t be like that everyday, but I shouldn’t have to be the only one driving the conversation all the time. She knows I have A LOT of trouble talking about things and initiating, and I see her initiate with other students. There is plenty of opportunities to talk to me, I am always there, but she doesn’t. It’s really hard for me to find support outside of work because I am there all the time, and in my classes everyone else seems to have other friends to talk to. I don’t really seem people when I am not at work. I get really uncomfortable around people I don’t know and when I dissociate, people think I’m ignoring them.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Perhaps she has some personal issues of her own weighing heavy on her heart and she simply no longer has the time or energy to give, give, give to each and every individual as she has in the past.

Maybe she realizes you've become way too dependent on her and she's trying to help create some distance without coming right out to say it, giving you time to hopefully find other means of being soothed.

Have you been able to befriend and comfort yourself in any manner, yet? What type of grounding methods do you regularly practice?

That's where I'd be focusing my energies if I were you, but I'm not, so please disregard if what I'm saying won't apply. Wishing you well.

 

[LoveTea]

@Tornadic Thoughts I am pretty positive she doesn’t have any personal things going on, and she has been slowly pushing me away for about 6 months now. I really don’t have many people to talk to, and she is aware of that. Most of my grounding if holding a cold orange, naming things around me, and thumping myself on the chest (to “echo”). But I am really terrible at self soothing, I tend to become very isolated and lonely. I think it is pretty obvious I’m bad at it too. It’s hard because at work most people will go grt her when anything happens, which I’m sure is hard for her, and I’ve been trying to teach them what to do too. Now, within 5 minutes, she will tell me to go do something myself, and a few times as litterally pushed or dragged me away from her office (lightly it is in no way physically harmful).

 

[LoveTea]

I broke down at work today. Now she says she can’t handle me, that she can’t help me. She had often said in the past that she is older and more experienced, and that’s why I should listen to her advice. And she has given good advice, but she doesn’t give me advice anymore. She used to be fine handleing me, before she knew as much. She pushed me to tell her more, and now she can’t handle it. What makes her think I can? Going to therapy once a week for an hour is not a support system. She used to say she loved me, she’d give me a hug when I had a bad day, tell me I can get help. Well, I finally did get some help and now she won’t help me, she barely supports me. She keeps looking for excuses for me to leave. I feel like there is nothing I can do anymore. I can either go back to pretending all the time or give up.

 

[digger]

I don't want to sound harsh, but it's not her job to support you in the ways that you seem to be needing her to. It sounds very much like you are expecting from her what you actually need to be seeking from mental health professionals.

Im not saying she's necessarily handled it all that well herself, but it seems like she's recognised that and her limits and is trying to get you to look at getting your needs met more appropriately. It sounds like she is trying to put boundaries in where those lines have got blurred.

Are you able to talk to your therapist about other support options that might be available to you.

 

[LoveTea]

@digger, I don’t think that’s harsh, I do think my expectations are scewed, but I have nothing to help me set them. She doesn’t just chat with me like she does a lot of my peers, how am I supposed to have a healthy relationship with her if she only talks to me when I’m breaking down. I have mentioned in person, in text, and in email that we need to talk when she is available since school started (which is already super hard for me to initiate) and she has never even tried to set up a time to do it. She makes decisions about what I can and can’t do and boundaries and things concerning me without including me in those conversations or even informing me after the fact.

My hands are kind of tied when it comes to other support because I can barely afford therapy and it is really really hard for me to trust anyone. My supervisor tried having me go to therapy through my school last year and the I saw were woefully unprepared and did more harm than good. I’m terrified to do anymore than I’m already doing because it is just another way my parents can find out.

 

[EveHarrington]

I really don't understand why you are posting.