I’m out of ideas, i don’t know what to do

[Sideways]

Ok, so let's recap. This friend:
a) offers a buffer for you when you're having a bad day;
b) offers symptom support (falling short of support when you're suicidal)
c) offers crisis support
d) lets you come round for a hug when you need one
e) helps you out of dissociative episodes.

That's a pretty long list. And the things she's helping you with are mostly things that you'd rely on a trained therapist for. So, as things currently stand? This is unsustainable as it is.

That means you have 2 options: continue as is till the relationship crumbles from supporter fatigue; or, change the dynamics of this relationship.

Yes, talking about the weather can be tedious. But if you want this person to stick around as a friend, the basis of your relationship needs to be about something more than just your illness and managing your symptoms. That means finding out about her, her interests, her highs and lows, spending time together that doesn't involve managing your symptoms. Instead of inviting yourself round to her place for a hug? Invite her round to your place to watch a movie, or have dinner, or play a board game, or....

The basis of a good supportive friendship is what you have in common, experiences and time that you share, being able to have a laugh together, you know?

You made a comment about how you don't currently talk to her about your trauma, but you hinted at possibly sharing a bit with her so that "she doesn't feel left out"... That's a bit alarming....

You know, there's more to you than your trauma and your illness. So much more. Maybe give people a chance to discover who you really are, without it being all about your ptsd?

 

[Eagles wings]

It sounds like you have mixed feelings.... you seem to understand that maybe it’s more than she can or is willing to give, but also don’t know how to get back to a baseline type relationship with her, and overthink it... the whys? Or why nots? And can even realize you are overthinking..... but hard to get out of the emotional quicksand? Am I understanding it at all?

That’s a hard place to be. I can look back and see that I have been in situations at least similar before.
You seem to want a relationship to reassure you, make you feel loved, reassure you of that, and be able to anticipate your needs even with fluctuating feelings. Those are very real feelings.
I don’t know you... but you are here because you are a survivor of some sort. And that means you have the capability to be strong... even though being strong is very scary.
Becoming emotionally self reliant means opening yourself up to being vulnerable again... including being vulnerable to relationships that might not work out. And that’s ok too.
It’s hard to want to be strong. One thing I have learned is to take it in slow but consistent bite size pieces. It is a marathon... not a sprint.
I found myself trying to be “normal “ until I crashed... which when I did I felt I needed outside people to define my worth and value. When it wasn’t there the pain became so incredibly deep.. that probably without realizing it at the time.. I then drew them back in through crisis. I wasn’t trying to create crisis for that reason.., it’s judt kind of the yo-yo effect between trying to hard to be what you think you should be, and then crashing and becoming very needy.
One thing I can promise you.., it’s a hard journey.. but you’re on the right path. You’re starting to look at the situation for what it is. Good on you.
Better days will come. It won’t always be this hard. You can become confident again. You can become emotionally self reliant again. It will take work and practice, and falling down and getting back up again! :) And I believe in you. I think you are here because you are trying. And trying is always good.
That doesn’t mean this relationship with your employer is going to work out the way you would like.... and that stinks... it really does... and it’s ok to cry, feel angry, betrayed, hurt... whatever it is you feel... the hard part of people having freedom to choose... is that they might not always choose to stay close to us, or be there for us in the way we need them. But if that’s true... trying to maintain that relationship will set you up for a permanent roller coaster of emotions. She assures you.. you feel good.. she backs away.. you feel terrible. So at some point you have to decide if you want the temporary satisfaction of those moments of reassuring... which DOES feel good.
But the drawback is it never truly fills the void.
But when we are true to ourselves., draw on emotional resiliency.... we will get to the place where the relationships we have are better balanced.... and it may not have the ups and downs that your brain might seem it needs.. but the even, balanced zone... is a place of healing and a deeper sense of ownership in the healing process... that empowers you. And that kind of feeling is lasting. Well worth the journey. I have been on both ends of this.... it’s hard... but it gets better.

 

[LoveTea]

@Ragdoll Circus I don’t think I properly characterized our relationship. As much as my supervisor and I weren’t friends beyond PTSD, this friend and I very much are. She didn’t even know for the first year we were friends (we didn’t spend much time together and I would aggressively hide my symptoms). Now, we go to a farmers market every week, we talk about nearly everything going on in our days. She tells me about how she wants to go to Japan, or I bake her favorite cookies. We go through periods where we see each other everyday, and some where we don’t see eachother for a few weeks. But, since I am around her frequently, she is sometimes around for the dissociation, or the flashbacks. I am working on it, but it is going to happen sometimes.

I USED to turn to her for crisis management, but now I will only ask for a hug agter the fact, and she is fully aware that she can say no and sometimes she will. When I do that, we don’t dwell on what happened, she tends to take me for a walk or we watch a movie or clean her room. I do not plan on sharing my trauma with her, I just don’t know how she feels about not knowing. She seeks to understand me and obviously she knows that is not entirely possible, but telling her won’t provide her with any more insight. I understand that. However, she is not completely unaware of the nature of my trauma, just by picking up on what I am sensitive to.

I do think you are right, it is a lot. I am trying to learn how to balance it. I don’t know if anyone can answer this question, but at what point is spuratic support ok? (Obviously in other friendships people go to their friends with their troubles sometimes). She does sometimes come to me for support, and I am perfectly comfortable with that.

@Eagles wings thanks, a lot of what you have said really clarifies some of the soup of confusion in my head right now.

 

[Sideways]

The dynamic you've just described? Is different. But my advice is the same. If your friend is providing the type of support you claimed she was? It's unsustainable.

 

[LoveTea]

@Ragdoll Circus I do think you are right, as much as it has become more sustainable than it used to be, it certainly isn’t all the way there yet. Thanks for your input! It is much appreciated.