I Admit But It's Made Me Stronger

[Marine/w/PTSD]

All throughout my life I was hypersensitive; it took but a pin tilting in the slight way I did not like to destroy my mood.

Every single morning (and I do mean every damn morning) it was a struggle to regain some measure of a balanced emotion. If I did not have my sugar fix I turned into a monster much like the imaginings of Dr. jekyll and Hyde (maybe not literally but if you count that I threw a tantrum when I was kid, to starting fights as as teenager, and insulting people down to the core as an adult, all over something as trivial as a set of subtle words I misunderstood from people - these things are the description of a monster). All these attributes I described I thought were just because I thought I was just sensitive. But this is not the case.

When I am calm I am friendly, positive, active and athletic; this is the person I want to remain and focus on being rather than the monster I turn into.

I finally realize after reading numerous postings of people's testimonials on this forum that I do in fact have PTSD as the doctors have diagnosed. You see I did not think I had it, I thought I was just sensitive and just not tough enough. I find that I am tough and battling PTSD all my life has made me tougher then the man next to me, I can attest this to the way I plowed through deployments because I was right at home emotionally. I'll admit these deployments worsened my condition further, but it made my PTSD just bad enough that I could not deny that I had it anymore.

Realizing that I have PTSD - I think is an accomplishment because I have been in denial of it (for 7 years) since I was diagnosed with it. Now true progress can happen because I know what hinders me and I won't just look past this invisible force.

Lastly I'd like to thank everyone on this forum, for allowing me to realize that I am not alone and that all the things I find funny - you also do.

 

[NarcSis]

Glad you're experiencing this epiphany, it's a wonderful leap toward healing old wounds.

I too was in denial after my trauma despite a diagnosis and some pretty tough treatment. I kept wishing it would all just go away while denying in my heart the true meaning of the words PTSD.

It was only when I began to accept this diagnosis that I began to make the changes I needed to function better in my life. Now I'm on a healing journey rather than a path of suffering.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you. What a realization to have.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Well done :)

 

[myvetswife]

At least you are not in denial anymore and are willing to work on ít! Thats good!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When I was in the hospital something like 'what has helped you?' was asked of the group of patients in the adult ward. My answer was acceptance and I still firmly believe that. Acceptance has helped me figure out what might help me and start moving forward ( I don't think 'moving on' would work here as I don't think I am moving on but moving forward).

Good for you. :)

 

[Pinkcake]

insulting people down to the core as an adult, all over something as trivial as a set of subtle words I misunderstood from people - these things are the description of a monster). All these attributes I described I thought were just because I thought I was just sensitive.

This hit home for me. I am coming to this realization in my own life now and I'm working on it, slowly but surely.

Thank you for posting and I'm glad you have hit your realizations too.

 

[Legend]

I thought you were writing about me brother, everything you said described me to a tea. I suffer because of PTSD (12years) and know full well about being hypersensitive about some things. The normal things that would scare the hell out of regular people dont affect me at all. I stay very calm in the face of danger, with pretty much no reaction except doing what has to be done at the moment.I noticed it when I dident react to explosions or sudden loud noises anymore, dident flinch, jump, nothing ever again.

On the otherhand my regular day to day things are met with hypersensitivity, to my every move and thought. I am hyper aware of my surroundings, and every movement I make is calculated. I see everything, I hear everything, and nothing escapes my notice 360 degrees. It's hard to process all that information all the time. Even at home sitting in my chair watching tv I see every shadow from outside, every reflection from lights or the sun, and hear every sound for 75/100 yards away.

I am very much at home in bad enviroments, my sences are atuned to that, and at times I miss it. I believe thats why I am affected so much in the real world by normal things. It's not the world it's me, I am out of my element where I am in control of these sences, and make use of them to stay alive. On this side of things I havent changed, the enviroment has, I no longer fit into what is normal so I struggle to find center ground.It is good to find a place to talk about things, I found this forum and have been acceped with open arms.

 

[myvetswife]

I stay very calm in the face of danger, with pretty much no reaction except doing what has to be done at the moment.I noticed it when I dident react to explosions or sudden loud noises anymore, dident flinch, jump, nothing ever again.

Thats where your training probably starts kicking in. My husband does that. But then gets wound up from very little things

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

It's been almost 4 months now, and I'd like you all to know I am doing well, I haven't been posting much, but I think it's because I haven't needed to.

I've come up with a great way to calm my body down instantaneously. I use a couple key words and it helps me greatly as it commands my body to do just that: 'gain composure' Maybe you can develop key words for yourself to help you calm down when you need it.

The trick to is getting it started, at first it will not work at all and might work intermittently later on, but don't give up and keep trying and really try to visualize the best in you, it will happen and you can be better for it, I hope you try this and that it eventually works for you.

Maybe this only works for me, I hope not, I want it to work for you too.