I Always Hear "punch Me In The Face" When You're Speaking, But It's Usually Subtext

[vikingr12]

I think we are all Type A's and have to be stare at someone who wants to kill you. We are also trained to be the best and we don't understand what happened when we turn out to be human.

The best thing I heard was you talked to your wife, finally. It's troubling to know she attempted suicide. It's a big flag to me. My wife tried too before I met her.

We have posted crisis lines many times here and you are in that category. I was too. I have been out there alone much of the time and it's just ugly. I know I will be there again but this forum is a good way to let loose. Google the crisis lines. They don't keep track of who you are unless you really are acting out any violent plans. And that's their job.

We have all been through all kinds of therapy here and meds. One of the first things I learned was the "Warrior posture." Raised shoulders, tight jaw, and shallow breathing. It's a survival reaction we have in our ancestry. Shallow breathing does not get oxygen to your head and muddles thinking and brings out the lower animal in us. We want to kill to protect ourselves. Understand that meds are fine but you have to take the steps to slow down and breath through your belly. We do Baby steps here. Don't eat the whole elephant.

I never expected my unit to understand at all anyway. But I got hit early (4 months into deployment). Up to then, the military was my whole life and I learned the military is just not a supportive system. The VA, to me anyway, tries hard but just misses the mark. They have a checklist mentality when the last thing you want to be is on a checklist.

It's good you are here because you need someone to talk things out. We've been there.

Welcome. We are here.

 

[JarHed]

It's good you are here because you need someone to talk things out. We've been there.

Amen to that.

 

[Virtues]

I think we are all Type A's
Welcome. We are here.

There's something about this. Something that never sat right with me, or at least never really added up. Maybe I am a type A, but I've never wanted anyone to know this, EVER. I've always looked for someone else to put out front, usually someone junior to me, to make into a "SUPERSTAR", and I don't know why. I've always been Dr. Watson looking for my Sherlock Holmes or Doc Holiday looking for my Wyatt Earp. I've been forced into the spotlight before and I don't like it there. I can do the job well, and have, but definitely prefer to be that guy the "A" comes to with all his questions, confides in, trusts, goes to for guidance.

I thought about this after my friend checked out. He was the last guy I could really count on in my unit. I think that's part of the reason I feel the disconnect. That and the fact I've physically been removed, I don't have the opportunity to take anyone else under my wing. It's a cold dark time right now.

 

[Jimmy1]

It's funny because you know when you're the guy making things happen as much as you do when you're the shit bag. I was the guy making things happen for so long. So many people stole my spotlight. I didn't care about awards or recognition, my troops knew who they were following and that's all that was important to me.

Now they took my troops from me, labeled me, established a "pattern" that fits their agenda, and all I have to show for it is an empty service jacket and a bunch of guys that use to serve under me asking for letters of recommendation. I always took care of my men. I never in my life worried about my superiors, it was their job to take care of me, at least it was in my eyes.

I had an abrasive personality too. One that got the job done in record time, but pissed everyone off doing it. I don't have as much as a negative counseling in my jacket, but when it comes time to need support, I soon realized I burned every single bridge I had. It doesn't matter if I did it completing the mission. I wasn't diplomatic about it.

Mate, I can only gather you are from the U.S.A. because you talk about the wounded warrior program, but welcome to the forum anyway. This forum has people from all over the world, most of them drive on the wrong side of the road though. I personally am from Australia.

Right now I am taking a backseat and am not really taking part in the forum (I need a break), but something you said hit home for me.

You talked about being the person that made things happen, well maybe our ranks are different, but the job of the Platoon Sergeant was to make things happen and the Platoon Commander (LT) took all the credit. The same when I was promoted to Warrant Officer. The OC or Major game all the orders and took all the glory and the Sergeant Major made things happen. This was all part and parcel of being a non-com. We used to get the glory hunters that sat back and stroked their own ego's.

I think it's a personal choice. You either want the glory or don't. In my opinion you sound like you want some recognition.

I went into a spiral when they posted me to a reserve unit (our reserves only parade on Tuesday nights and one Saturday a month). I had no troops and the only contact I had with my old unit or past members of my unit was when they wanted a piece of equipment or wanted a reference. I went from not having enough time to take a crap during the day to having all the time in the world. Being alone with my thoughts was the end.

 

[Virtues]

No you got it just the opposite.

I'm the guy who doesn't want the recognition. I've been that way my whole career. Now it's coming back to bite me.

I need credentials to speak for me because there's no one left around to speak on my behalf, and all my highers I've rubbed the wrong way. Only problem is I haven't been that glory hound, so those credentials aren't there.

What to do when everyone just want's to be done with you....

 

[Virtues]

I'm trying to stay in, but it's hard. I need someone or something to speak for me, and all I have is "nothing bad to say". It's just not enough right now. When I got taken out of the fight they took away the one voice I had to speak for me, my troops. As the months fell off the calendar and the faces changed slowly no one remembered me. Now, all that is left is the "legend" of who I was, and the "reality" of who I've become.

And not a whisper left behind to go to bat for me. The only faces left that remembered me are the ones I rubbed wrong, the ones who have the power to push me out.

 

[JarHed]

Hey Florian

If you're at square one, it's a start. But the truth is you're way farther along than that. As someone that's a ways down the path from you, you have to constantly prove yourself. That never ends. People will only remember what you did for them today. So, you have yourself, your confidence, your own honor and you are an honorable person. I get that from what you say.

It's nice to have someone to speak for you but sometimes you just have to do that yourself. Think of the past, remember the past but focus on your future. You're not who you were. None of us come back from those experiences that we have as the same person we were before we had them. I know it must be rough for you now but you'll get through it, you'll figure out how to.

It ain't like the movies where the hero gets the accolades he deserves and the pats on the back. Reality is that there is silence and what happened is inside of you. There is a life after the service, even if it may not seem so now. Hang in there Brother.

Jar

 

[Virtues]

Thanks JarHead

Let me ask you this though. Did you ever feel like maybe the life after the service wasn't one worth living? Life is literally just a series of distractions, one to the next, leading up to the inevitable end, death. Now, don't get me wrong, I have no rush to get there, but after doing the things we've done, have you ever felt like the rest of our days will just be watching the second hand in a boring mundane existence that hardly seems worthy of life?

I'm afraid of not being able to make a difference I guess...

 

[Jimmy1]

Sorry if I took you the wrong way mate.

What are you chasing by way of credentials? Is it like a character reference to help with future employment? Your service record should speak for itself. e.g. how many tours you did and to where.

Thanks JarHead

Let me ask you this though. Did you ever feel like maybe the life after the service wasn't one worth living?

Many, many times I have thought that. You have to find something to keep you going. If you are living a boring mundane existence, then change it. We have a lot of young guys over here that have returned from Afghanistan, some went over twice and now they are sitting on base doing basically nothing. Going and shooting blanks in a field training area, or shooting paper targets down the range just does not cut after the last ten years or so. Most go join one of the emergency services so they can keep that edge, that adrenaline.

Just waffling now.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Florian, you don't have to apologies for doing what is right, you were tasked and you got the job done!

I had an abrasive personality too. One that got the job done in record time, but pissed everyone off doing it. I don't have as much as a negative counseling in my jacket, but when it comes time to need support, I soon realized I burned every single bridge I had. It doesn't matter if I did it completing the mission. I wasn't diplomatic about it.

You've done well by those put in your charge - leave the diplomatic BS to the empty suits. Take a deep breath my friend the new mission that you are about embark on may not be as charged as the AO but can be just as dangerous if your not prepared. You are a warrior, trained and hardened, you have skills that 99% of the population will never learn or use for that matter. What you need to do now is settle in to the world where you are being a worker among workers. Not on top of the heap - yet not under it either. Look around you many of us here made the transition to some degree or another. Your troops have benefited from your dedication now apply the same devotion to your family. Your not in any condition right now to lead anyone right now, consider getting in the back of the bus and allow your family to help. We have your back here.

Ba

 

[vikingr12]

Life is one imperfect activity after another. -- Thomas Merton.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

My Brother, you said. ".......have you ever felt like the rest of our days will just be watching the second hand in a boring mundane existence that hardly seems worthy of life?"

Ask yourself these questions:
Have I seen every sun rise and sun set?
Have I taken my boat up an inland passage just for the joy of seeing something I haven't seen before?
Have I watched my children have children, and found the joy in their laughter?
Have I built or restored something with my own hands just for the satisfaction found in doing it?

I could go on and on, but you need to make your own list. This is your time, and you've earned it. The things that make life worth living are still there. The part of you who once enjoyed life is still there. But, you buried those things, and that part of you when survival required all your attention.

Dedicate all it takes to find what makes life worth living.

SD