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I am an ex sex worker - facing up to something I've been running away from

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IamFree

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Finally facing up to a time in my life i have been running away from. When I was a teenager new to london I was involved in the sex industry for a year or so selling sex . pornography . Not a long time in my life but a very dark one and with certain emotional consequences. I would be happy to hear from anyone with similair experiences and how they came to term with there AHEM !!! colourful past lol..or anyone else who fancys a go at an obscure subject.
 
Very brave of you. I can’t say I was either selling sex nor pornography but I was on the other side of the table, screen etc buying and partaking. Again a brief span of my life but a significant one nonetheless. Rescued by true love, marriage and a family...but now coming to terms with parts of it all, a decade or more later.
 
Heart hugs to you, if you accept. I feel I can innerstand where you're coming from. I sold myself in many ways for many reasons in my late teens and early 20s. I learned sex was the fastest and most reliable way to get my basic needs met, especially when I was homeless for a while.

I'm not sure I ever really came to terms with it all as I'm still haunted by the memories and the choices I made, still disgusted by remembering some of the things I'd purposely seek out for a momentary thrill, even if many of them were a direct result of the forced hands of others.

At the time, it felt like I was somehow empowered and had some sense of control over things. In reality, I was always one choice away from certain death, be it of my soul or my body. The soul got squashed repeatedly and the body amazingly enough survived the violently acrobatic shit show it was put through.

Having had childhood sexual abuse/teenage rape/and then those experiences being the basis of my relationship experiences/sex education really scrambled my brain and body. Still unscrambling.
 
littleoc said:
This is really brave and strong of you! I have nothing I can share, but I really wanted to make sure you knew how wonderful this is that you can post this
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Thnaks glad I am facing up to it now and not living a life splitting of from it you can run away from the past as much as you like but it will always come and bite you on the bum . just turn around and give it some attention I say.

meander said:
Very brave of you. I can’t say I was either selling sex nor pornography but I was on the other side of the table, screen etc buying and partaking. Again a brief span of my life but a significant one nonetheless. Rescued by true love, marriage and a family...but now coming to terms with parts of it all, a decade or more later.
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Its great you found something else beyond that and you have let your self have it. its and act of self forgivness. I have often sabotaged my self and let my self beleive i do not deserve anything else because of what i have been.

Tornadic Thoughts said:
Heart hugs to you, if you accept. I feel I can innerstand where you're coming from. I sold myself in many ways for many reasons in my late teens and early 20s. I learned sex was the fastest and most reliable way to get my basic needs met, especially when I was homeless for a while.

I'm not sure I ever really came to terms with it all as I'm still haunted by the memories and the choices I made, still disgusted by remembering some of the things I'd purposely seek out for a momentary thrill, even if many of them were a direct result of the forced hands of others.

At the time, it felt like I was somehow empowered and had some sense of control over things. In reality, I was always one choice away from certain death, be it of my soul or my body. The soul got squashed repeatedly and the body amazingly enough survived the violently acrobatic shit show it was put through.

Having had childhood sexual abuse/teenage rape/and then those experiences being the basis of my relationship experiences/sex education really scrambled my brain and body. Still unscrambling.
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Thanks for your share I was in the same situation young /homeless . beleiving i was not good enough to live an OK life with OK people. I really embraced this mess of a world I found my self in. Often i was naive but I could exploit as much as i was exploited as well. I know what you mean about the thrill I cant say i did not even enjoy it sometimes...being paid to travel around the country and to go to all these hotels was a better option than being on the streets. just before i stopped i was even going to get paid to travel to belgium. Sexual abuse was not my own personal experience but i was privy to the sexual abuse of a family member ...my mother was a prostitute and my dads live in girlfreind so i never learned that its not a very light decision to make as a life choice. Yeah I think the biggest emotional consequences of this is shame and disgust...ironically I am more concerned with what i think other people would think and feel about it even though they do not think or feel anything about it because they do not know . I my self think that sex work though its an underworld it has always been a part of life from the highest to the lowest its a fact of life . I would be freinds with anyone if they had a good heart even if they had done this or still do it. Just wish I knew how to extend this sentiment to my self.
 
Just wanted to say - many many many people provide sex in exchange for something other than a reciprocal relationship of equals. I don't see a real difference between providing sex for money vs. sex for love/acceptance or whatever else. Just a different kind of currency is all. So don't look down on yourself, and don't let anyone else look down on you. Be kind to yourself. :)
 
It was 40 years ago, I spent 7 months on the street and having to become a sex-worker to prevent starvation, I became an alcoholic at the time to cope with it all. Doing that kind of work is very bad for self-esteem. In many ways its a form of sell harm unless your actually forced into it by someone else. It is like society sends us a message that is where we are in life, at the bottom having to sell the use of our body just to be able to eat.

But the good thing is those are temporary bad moments for many of us.
 
recoveringfromptsd said:
It was 40 years ago, I spent 7 months on the street and having to become a sex-worker to prevent starvation, I became an alcoholic at the time to cope with it all. Doing that kind of work is very bad for self-esteem. In many ways its a form of sell harm unless your actually forced into it by someone else. It is like society sends us a message that is where we are in life, at the bottom having to sell the use of our body just to be able
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yes It was just something I did a certain time in my life i am trying to learn to just see it that way. A feeling is only meant to be tempory letting you know what to do and what not to do i am not supposed to feel it for the rest of my life . If i am not doing it anymore its not justified. Yes indeed self harm is a part of it raging against my self ..but not just that also against the world as well..punishing the world as if to say ...look what you did to me so now look what i am doing.
 
IamFree said:
yes It was just something I did a certain time in my life i am trying to learn to just see it that way. A feeling is only meant to be tempory letting you know what to do and what not to do i am not supposed to feel it for the rest of my life . If i am not doing it anymore its not justified. Yes indeed self harm is a part of it raging against my self ..but not just that also against the world as well..punishing the world as if to say ...look what you did to me so now look what i am doing.
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It was a temporary thing for me too. But at the time it did not feel that way. If felt as the only way to survive. And it felt as if life would always be that way and no one cared, but someone did, and they rescued me from that existence, restricted me long enough to get clean and not be driven to return to alcohol. I don't have a lot of self blame for then, the fact that I had to satisfy as many as 8 a day for 7 months does not weigh on me that way. I actually see it as a strength as the alternative I already tried would have ended my existence, the fact I was able to survive even this way, is something I give me self credit for. I have a lot of blame for those who put me in the circumstance that made me homeless, starving and ultimately the necessity to sell ones body for others pleasure just to be able eat.
 
Yes I think this is true. I am even open minded that there are certain people who constitutionally able to do this work and somehow it does not affect them there are people who have done well from this. probably the exception rather than the rule though. I imagine for them it was not rooted in trauma poverty and self harm. In the ancient world it was very much a job like any other and there was even sacred prostitution . Not saying this to tell my self it was all fine what I did it was a big mistake for me but just to remind myself it is within the range of normal human experience....of course I would not have a chat about it over coffee in work lol you would Have to be very selective about who you could have an honest chat about this with.
 
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