I Am Going To Confront My Dad Tomorrow

[DromedaryLights]

I've decided, pretty much right now, that I'm sick of living with the doubt of what did and didn't happen, the vague memories, the blank spots. I'm just going to ask him. Maybe he'll deny everything. Maybe I'll believe him. Maybe this is a terrible idea.

But, I feel stuck. I'm not really sure what else to do, and doing something seems to be better than doing nothing. I'm very nervous about it. I haven't talked to him in over a year. I sort of vaguely accused him, but didn't go into specifics. He didn't really respond.

I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing, but, what's the worst that could happen? He lives halfway across the country. I don't think he even knows where I live. So, I'll just call him up and ask him. "Did you do anything abusive when I was growing up?"

I wonder what he will say. My sister sort of confronted him a while back. She said "My brother said you molested him." She told me he didn't really respond. She said he got weird and walked away. She said that, in her opinion, that confirmed it.

Anyway, I'll call and I'll ask and then at least I'll know. It probably won't help my life that much, I'm still pretty miserable about how it's turned out, and I do blame a lot of that on the abuse, but maybe it's a start?

So, wish me luck, I suppose.

 

[Bickslow]

I did the same about a year after my parents split and I moved away from my Dad to live with my Mom in a safe place. It was scary...and tough, but in the moment my mind cleared and I found the right words. I asked him straight out if he knew what he did to me, he said no, but 'I'd love to talk about it as we spend time together.' I took a moment, inhaled and responded 'Until you get the help you need, I have no desire to have a relationship with my abuser.' and walked out. I was shaking and crying and had my Sister drive me home...but it was worth it. I felt so clean and free afterwards. Even if it it resolved nothing, I confronted it, faced my fears, and it was so worth it. I wish the same for you, the right words, the right support, and a feeling that makes it worth it. Best of luck, and I'm here if you want to talk about it tomorrow.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

You are so incredibly brave! Especially to take control of your healing process in that way- even if it hurts more at first.

I don't think you can go in with too many expectations because he could lie, be totally honest, or hurt you more- but in any of these situations please know that you are so brave and you deserve answers and you deserve to feel better. So please don't be too disappointed no matter how it pans out. With that being said also be ready to possibly feel worse for a little bit afterwards- or just feel however you need to feel! However you feel will be right, but please come here if you're feeling super down so that we can try to help!

Were all here for you! If you need anything please let me know! :hug:

Proud of you!

 

[DromedaryLights]

Thanks @Bickslow ! I'm really impressed you were able to actually face your dad, I don't think I could do that. Like, one time about a year ago my sister posted a picture of him and Facebook, and even that was enough to pretty much incapacitate me for the day.

Anyway, I just sent him an email, which was probably a stupid way to go about it, but I just felt like I finally had the courage to do it and wanted to act fast before I lose my nerve. It will be very interesting to see how and if he responds. I guess probably he'll ignore it and I'll end up having to call if I want answers. Oh well. At least now he won't be caught off guard which maybe will make him more willing to tell the truth.

 

[Fadeaway]

Way to go! That is a really big achievement no matter what the response is. I don't think that is stupid at all. I don't even have the guts to send an e-mail.

 

[Abrasky]

Congrats on bravery. I did the same thing. Mostly I did that because there were many other children he had access to who were in danger. And it was the scariest thing I ever did, but it sought of very validating when you get the response, true or not. I feel glad that my saying something might have changed his access. You can see the truth for yourself.

I did mine in person. The expressions on my abusers face when I confronted him said a lot. I would never do it again, but I have never regretted it.

 

[GWhizz]

Oh. My. God! Good luck!

Love your profile name by the way.

I really do hope you get some closure but please be sure to mind yourself and make sure you have some good support for the potential fallout from this. I really admire your courage though please be careful and (not to try to inspire self-doubt) be sure you have thought this through and it's not just a rash or impulsive decision.

I really really wish you the best

 

[RussH]

let us know how it goes.

 

[Underdog]

Best of luck!! I confronted my parents about being adopted for many, many years and was always lied to. I knew I was because I had seen the papers. Their lying to me for so many years left me doubting myself for the better part of my life. It wasn't until about 7 years ago or so that my mom finally told me the truth. Guess I'm just saying that even if you don't get an answer now, at some point you might when you are least expecting it. Be patient with yourself regardless of outcome.

 

[shell]

I wish you luck with it, although perhaps it's best to honour what you know happened, because abusers sometimes twist things around to blame the victim or deny everything.

I had an opportunity to confront my mother about my abuse several years ago, while she was backstabbing my brother for complaining she was responsible for all the issues in his life and his severe depression. I shouldn't have bothered, she twisted it around to blame me, and lied to my face about several things I asked about that her sister had revealed, but my father later admitted.

Many abusers will always be abusers, most don't change, and they don't always own up just because we confront them, because after all they don't like to face the truth. Mine attacked me, told me I was mentally ill, and told me I made her do it.

What matters most is respecting our truth, and being caring and compassionate to ourselves.

 

[DromedaryLights]

Thanks for the support, everyone! I just got this response back, which I'm not thrilled about:

Brian,

It is great to hear from you. Thank you for writing! Yes, I would be happy
to tell you what I remember.

I accept that you had/have things to work out. (Don't we all? - it is a
lifelong process and part of the human condition, I think.). If I can help
you anyway I will. Let's talk when it is convenient.

Do you want me to call you or do you want to call me?

Again, great to hear from you,

Love,

Dad

 

[GWhizz]

Can I ask what you wrote to him?