I Am Going To Confront My Dad Tomorrow

[DromedaryLights]

Here's my original email.

"I realize our last communication was me sending you a pretty crazy email.
Whoops. I don't really know how to explain what I said then, other than that
a couple of years ago I started remembering some stuff that I was pretty
upset about. This lead to me entering therapy, which lead to a PTSD
diagnosis.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how I feel about any of that. "Recovered"
memories can in fact be false, after all, and the kinds of things I remember
or think I remember are pretty vague. Laura has recently told me that she
confronted you with some fairly specific accusations, and that while you
didn't confirm or deny, she believes that your reaction constitutes
verification.

At one point you asked me if there is anything you can do to help me. Well,
yes: You can tell me whether or not, in your opinion, you did anything
abusive and if so what. I'm not out to assign blame or anything, I'm just
asking to make sense of my own life and my own issues. After all, if the
therapists are barking up the wrong tree with the PTSD thing, well, it would
probably be good for me to know that. And, if something bad did happen,
well, I need to know that so I can deal with it and move on.

I'm sorry to be writing for such an unpleasant reason. I feel pretty
embarrassed about it frankly and like I must be a terribly disappointing
son. But, I don't really know what else to do. I guess until I get some kind
of answer from you I will just be treading the same ground over and over,
which really doesn't seem to be especially helpful. Thank you, and I'm
sorry."

I wrote back to say I would rather not talk on the phone and that if he had anything to say to please email me. He has not responded.

 

[GWhizz]

Well done on writing all of this. I cannot know what he's thinking or where his head is at. But whether or not he did in fact do anything abusive, I am not sure he would admit liability in a written document. As you know, it could be used as evidence against him if it led to prosecution.

I don't know whether you were thinking along these lines or whether you simply cannot brace yourself to speak with him, but I would imagine he may be more forthcoming in a phone conversation. If you did want it in an email following your conversation you could at least email him listing the details outlined over the phone and stating that you wished for further discussion on certain points for example.

I'm sorry it's not very straightforward. But again, I really admire your courage.

I have one final question for you. Of course feel free to decline to answer if it's too much. Can you tell me why your therapist(s) are leaning towards a ptsd diagnosis? It's just that I'm currently awaiting a formal diagnosis and am now getting very confused in the process

 

[DromedaryLights]

Yeah, I'm sure that he doesn't want to put anything in writing for the reasons you stated. I have no desire to prosecute, I just think it would be a little too overwhelming to actually talk to him.

The PTSD diagnosis was pretty simple. Based on my memories, all of the professionals I've talked to have been pretty well satisfied that various forms of abuse did occur -- I didn't get the sense that any of them really entertained the notion that they didn't. One of them even referred to it as "extreme abuse." The official diagnosis from a psychiatrist came from filling out a questionnaire about symptoms and telling him a little bit about my memories.

The more I read about it though, the more I fear that therapists might be a little too quick to accept the validity of repressed memories. Memories can be unreliable, I think. Sometimes they are real and sometimes they aren't. So, that's why I am writing my dad.

Although, maybe I take the fact that he's not denying it as a form of admission? I really don't know. Maybe I will have to call him.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for sharing. It helps me make more sense of it. I was pointed in the direction that I have ptsd but now getting a formal diagnosis in order to get the right treatment, is proving extremely difficult.

If you cannot speak to him, do you think your sister may try on your behalf again? Or do you think anyone else may have noticed anything else that may validate your memories? I find it strange that he will not at least engage with your main point at all, whether any abuse occurred or not. Most people would probably react with outrage the minute you made such an accusation. But then other people can be cool and collected and not let it phase them (or show that it does) whether or not they did anything

 

[DromedaryLights]

Well, my sister came over and we tried calling him together. No answer. Hoping maybe he'll call me back. I just want to get this over with, although it will be more difficult now since she's gone home.

 

[joeylittle]

As hard as it is, just know that you are taking massive steps towards your healing. Seriously well-done. And as hard as it will be, just keep on taking these steps. Thinking of you.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm sure there's no part of this that's easy for you. I am SO proud of you for taking control of the situation. I am a firm believer that it's better to deal with the worst right now than to let it come back and haunt you. I really am so proud of you for being so strong!

 

[DromedaryLights]

Thanks yet again for the support, everyone; it's definitely making the process easier. I still haven't heard back from him. I suppose he must be mentally preparing, which kind of makes me suspect that he is actually going to confess. I've been pretty jumpy and nervous all day waiting for him to call, but It does feel better to finally be taking some action.

 

[Mary Loreto]

I confronted him by asking if I was ever abused and he asked me, was I?

 

[DromedaryLights]

Well, I talked to him. He said that he did not abuse me in any way. He told me "the mind is a funny thing." I sort of wanted to press him on certain points, but it was too hard. My sister called him next and gave him a list of transgressions. He admitted to many of them, but said they weren't abusive. Regarding the major accusations, he either denied them or said his memory was a little fuzzy, but he still maintains that no actual abuse occurred. I guess that's the best I'm every likely to get from him.

I had a pretty long conversation with my sister about it afterwards. She thinks he's being pretty sketchy about the whole thing, and we think he is either lying or completely in denial. In any case, I realized from this whole experience that it doesn't really matter what he says; he's incapable of taking responsibility for his actions, but ultimately that is his problem, not mine. I know what I remember, and I now how traumatic it was. The symptoms that I have did not come from nowhere.

I realize how lucky I am to have such a supportive sister. She witnessed almost none of what happened to me, and never suffered any abuse herself, but she's never once doubted me and has always been willing to help me in any way she can.

This whole experience may not have provided the closure I was looking for, but I'm glad I tried. At least I won't be left wondering if I can get a straight answer from him, or if maybe there is a relationship that could be rebuilt. I'd hoped that I could get confirmation from him on some of my more vague memories, but based on these conversations it seems clear that his word cannot really be trusted.

I still feel pretty depressed about my life in general, but in the moment I feel better than I have in days. I feel like my burden has been lessened. I feel slightly more whole. Thanks for the support everyone, and best of luck to you all!