General I Am Heartbroken...I Don't Understand

[Frankie]

Ahhh bec...you made me smile and cry at the same time ! :)....You are right, I have to take care of myself....but you know how women are :) And I know myself, it will take a while longer to think of him with a smile and not tears, I truly love him !

And about my ex-husband...he is the biggest bully there is ! He just likes to make trouble and he has succeeded ! He has always been a talker...and yeller..and rude, and mean, possessive, old-fashioned, he was always the best at giving threats, THE LIST goes on.......those are some of the reasons I ended our marriage after almost 30 years. But I also know that from what he has been doing and saying.......to real violence...is only steps away, so yes, I am being careful !

He simply does not want to see me happy !

Thanks for the "kick" bec...I am sitting on a pillow right now..ouch :) and yea, tonight I should get some chocolate ice cream !

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Frankie

I replied yesterday but don't know what happened to my post..........must be in cyber space somewhere :rolleyes:

I am a little short of time so this may be direct but not meant to be harsh in anyway.

I do understand that if he was able to think clearly, he never would have left the way he did.

Please be careful of this thinking...that you are accepting that PTSD is the only cause of your bf leaving. You need to remember that PTSD does not just go away so, even if you do get back together, the PTSD will always be in the background. In other words it may happen again or the current situation may not change.

I have ordered one of the books that Anthony suggested, at least I will understand better on what happened.

I understand what you are trying to do....trying to find the answers to make sense of it all. Just make sure you are doing it for your own benefit only and not to try and work out what he is going through so you can "fix it". Only your bf can change where he is at and that if he wants to.

this is the only place I can talk openly and freely about my feelings and about PTSD.

Talk away as much as you need to Frankie as it does help. Please also remember that sometimes what we write may upset you but we say it being well intentioned and out of concern for you. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Frankie]

I don't think that what you say is harsh Nicolette, and I sometimes do get upset (sad not mad) at what I hear, only because It isn't what I WANT to hear..but I know it is what I HAVE to hear :smile:...I know it is well intentioned !

I understand that you are all trying to make me see and understand things better. :smile:...And believe me when I say...you are all helping a lot !

Thank-you ! :Hug_emoticon:

I know that it his PTSD got the better of him and that made him leave....knowing him the way I do and knowing what type of man he is (even with PTSD) because I truly believe that PTSD is part of who he is now. And also seeing how he was with me, it couldn't have been anything else.

And I do undertand that if ever he does come back to me (which I now think is impossible), his PTSD will always be there and yes, I know that he can do it again or do other things or say things I will not want to hear !

I am hoping that if ever he does come back..I will be better prepared and better equipped to handle things.

One thing for sure...if he does come back, we will not move in together....not untill my ex-husband is way out of the picture, (since my ex-husband was the major stress issue...and then and only then will we move in together and only in a small town, somewhere in the country where nature is all around us.....and not in the city where I live, cause that was another of his dislikes..he hated city living..and as much and as often as I used to tell him "you know where I live, in the city, you might not like it" ...his response was always "I will handle it..as long as we are together"

I still did not receive the book I ordered and I did order it for my own benefit...and to know what he is going through....BUT after reading so much on this disorder I am not naive or a wishful thinker that I can "fix" or "change" him. So the book is really only for me...so that I can get some kind of closure.

It can never be fixed....As much as we can help them, they are the only ones that have to want and work at living with the disorder and of getting better.

 

[greenscousegal]

:smile: Frankie, as much as a PTSD sufferer does something because of timing/survival, then it applies for a gf/bf left hurt. Rightly you got a kick from
bec. But it is a productive kick to help you. You have to nuture yourself, mourn and live for just you and your son at this point.
Hard road to walk but has to be.
Much love to you.

 

[Frankie]

:Hug_emoticon:Thanks, greenscousegal .....As hard as it is, (and it is still very very hard, everything reminds me of him)....I know you all of you are right about this. I have to think of myself now, move on and learn how to live without him in my life.

 

[Vickym]

Frankie,

I am so sad to read your situation. You have it tough all the way around. I guess the first thing you need to do is handle things with your ex husband. Get yourself in a safe place for you. Your ex husbands behavior has played a big part in your bf leaving and will affect any relationship in the future. We all have bagage so to speak. I have had a couple of ex bf's that just wouldnt go away and they eventually ruined my new relationships as no one wanted to deal with it. And I can see were someone with ptsd would have a hard time. Imagine dating someone and really wanting to be with them but all they did was talk about their ex and everything they did wrong (I dated a couple of guys that did this and may have done it myself) its a big turn off no one wants to hear it. It becomes too much. Its not your fault that your ex husband does these things but in my opinion you need to have them stop before you can have a successfull relationship. I'm sure your ex bf does love you. Maybe he says you hate him because in a way he feels guilty for letting you down and having to leave the situation for his own well being. I think sometimes my bf feels guilty cause he knows it is a lot to be a carer and knows as a suffer he can't handle the amount of stress I do as a carer. I have told him its only stress if I don't have an understanding of what is going on the more knowledge I have the easier it is. Frankie I wish you happiness for you heal yourself from with in and you will feel better on the outside.

 

[Frankie]

Hi Vickym,

Yes, the situation with my exhusband is what led my bf to leave. I now realize it and shouldn't have told him so much...even though he always used to say to me "don't keep anything in...talk to me" I, naively talked !

I understand that noone wants to constantly listen to your problems...over and over again...and I tried not to ! But my situation was too much for him to handle !

I am taking care of myself now...I am sorting out my "garbage". I am thinking of moving to another appartment, I am thinking of getting a second job (part-time). And I am learning to live without my love !

You are right in thinking the way you do about my exbf saying "I hate him". I also think it is because in his mind I should hate him for leaving me, for causing so much pain !

And also in his mind "how can she love me when I am causing so much heartbreak?"...Especially when he always said to me "I will never make you cry" "Your life will change for the better with me"

 

[Frankie]

I am trying so hard to move on, I am going out more, seeing friends, going to the movies..etc....

BUT, Why is it that after 2 months he is still in my mind and heart ?? And still wonder how he is doing ??? And why does it still hurt so much ??

BUT, I do have to admit that there are good days, days where I don't think about him so much and don't think of what was and what could have been....There are days where I find myself laughing more and more even though I still miss him very much !

And I do know that there will come a day when thinking of him won't make me cry....but make me smile!

Nicolette, you gave me good advise on how to think about him....I am trying :smile: !!! Thanks !

Bec Van...you gave me some "kick" in the ass :smile:...Thanks, I think of that and smile when I feel down !

And thanks to everyone here who take the time to read our posts and offer advise, encouragement and support !

Frankie

 

[Nicolette]

Frankie..... When someone we love dies it takes weeks, months and years to come to terms with it. My dad died almost 3 years ago and sometimes when I think of him now I still choke up with tears.

You have just experienced the "death" of a relationship you were not ready to leave or had even considered leaving. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and if you have a day where you regress that to me means you have had to go back to heal something deeper. I used to beat myself up when I was trying to deal with the end of a relationship and couldn't understand why I had set backs...days where I felt I went backwards and cried when I thought I was past it. A counsellor told me while that was true she also pointed out that each time I went back it was because of an issue I needed to deal with and each time I bounced back quicker than the time before. Take the time to heal so that next time you have the opportunity to move in a different direction in your life you will be carrying luggage instead of baggage :wink:

 

[Frankie]

You are so right Nicolette, I was not ready to leave the relationship or even considered leaving. In my mind and heart I was there for the duration....and so was he. It still feels like a bad dream/movie. I replay things and conversations in my mind...and I still have a hard time believing that it is real, that he is gone.

I know that time does heal everything, and I know that I will have more bad days, or even bad moments. Sometimes a thought comes so unexpected....and I cry and can't seem to stop. I cry for what we had and for what we could have had.

My days are somewhat good, but the nights are still very hard. But all in all I have begun to move on. At the beginning I felt lost and couldn't concentrate on anything. Now I feel less lost and can concentrate. So yes, I am moving on. And yes, like you, I find it hard to have setbacks !

Some coworkers are saying "you still feel bad?" or "forget about him, get over it"...........easier said then done !!!! Do they think I want to feel this way ? But I know that loving him as I did....and still do, it will take a lot more time to be able to think of him and smile.

I believe he came in my life for a purpose, to show me that I can and am able to make it on my own, and he showed me that I can truly be happy and I am deserving of that happiness. He showed me what a real relationship is all about.

I know, one day I can find that happiness again. Too bad it can't be with him :)

What I find still very hard to accept is the way he left, my brain understands it and accepts it....but my heart doesn't.

My one wish is that he will, one day, call and explain to me...in his own words, what happened to him. Because, like "death", there was no closure and that is what hurts the most.

For now, I am taking the time to heal, the time I NEED to heal and not the timeframe some of my friends or coworkers have established for me :)

It makes sense what your counsellor used to tell you, Nicolette, I should think of that.

Thank-you for saying

Take the time to heal so that next time you have the opportunity to move in a different direction in your life you will be carrying luggage instead of baggage

p.s. I still don't know how to enter sentences as a quote. :)

 

[Nicolette]

Frankie, if you want to quote something you need to select the 'quote' icon on the post you want to use before starting your post. It will put the entire post in a reply box and then you delete the content you don't need and keep the rest within the 'quote' boxes.

If you want to do it as an after thought you can type [ quote ] (without the spaces as I don't put them in this will turn it into a quote and then end with [ /quote ] again without the spaces. If you then want to check select preview post before submitting to check.

 

[Frankie]

Thanks, Nicolette ! I will try that when I want to quote !