Mach123
VIP Member
Hi this may not fit here but writing has been so helpful and this is really driving me crazy so I am going to post it in the hopes it will jar my memory loose.
I have a small sail boat. I live right next to the water. Somehow last year I put the rudder and centerboard away and I can't find them. I wanted to start sailing May 1, which when I started the horrible disappointing search for them.
I think it might relate to my cPTSD and repressed memories, here is the situation.
Every year before the first snow I go out in the back yard and try to put things in some kind of order you know get things squared away so when the snow melts in the spring it's not like a total mess. So I remember doing that and this spring I went looking for my things and I can not find them. Here is the catch.
My wife and I both remember my coming in the house and saying "I found a perfect place for my boat stuff." I even remember saying "boat stuff" because I could not think of the name of the gear just then. I also sort of remember tucking them in somewhere but its a vague memory. There is one other catch there is a shed in the back yard. It was my old land lady's and it was full of their junk. Her son, a very nice kid, came over one day in November and took a bunch of stuff out of there and I did not watch him or check what he took. So it is conceivable he took them or someone could have come in the backyard and just stolen them.
The idea that my stuff is hidden here and I hid it and can't remember has gotten me almost frantic. The idea that the x land lady's kid might have taken that stuff has driven me insane. (no one would have any reason to take that stuff unless they had my exact boat) My boat sitting over there on the beach whilst the summer goes by and it's is killing me.
I got the boat a few years ago used and replacing the stuff I lost new would cost way too much. I have many other things that are more important for that kind of money. So I'm stuck. I can't even sell the boat without those parts. Being stuck is the part related to trauma I think this jam is a kind of pattern I've repeated my whole life I can't explain it any better but I think some of you know what I mean. It's like finding yourself painted into the same corner over and over.
Sometimes in my feelings I think this is trauma related. Having lived most of my adult life with repressed memories. Also, after a capsize last year on father's day when I was out alone in the boat which is a two man rig, the coast guard brought me in. I wonder if I'm not afraid of it and so won't let myself find that stuff? I also feel guilty about it sometimes like I didn't deserve it.
Anyway I calmed down after awhile and accepted that I might not go sailing this year. Sounds like a designer problem right? It's not, not for me anyway. It's really hard for me not to equate the whole thing with me being bad or having done something wrong or being punished in some way. I scrimped and saved to get the money together to buy the stupid thing but like most things I really did have a love/hate relationship with it. Sometimes I even thought I wished I'd never bought it so I didn't have to worry everyday about if or not I was using it. SIGH. I console myself with the thought that God is probably saving me from some horrible accident or drowning lol.
Thanks if you read this. I will let you know if I ever find the stuff. I was just thinking "I know those things are still here somewhere in the world they still exist so, there is still hope."
I have a small sail boat. I live right next to the water. Somehow last year I put the rudder and centerboard away and I can't find them. I wanted to start sailing May 1, which when I started the horrible disappointing search for them.
I think it might relate to my cPTSD and repressed memories, here is the situation.
Every year before the first snow I go out in the back yard and try to put things in some kind of order you know get things squared away so when the snow melts in the spring it's not like a total mess. So I remember doing that and this spring I went looking for my things and I can not find them. Here is the catch.
My wife and I both remember my coming in the house and saying "I found a perfect place for my boat stuff." I even remember saying "boat stuff" because I could not think of the name of the gear just then. I also sort of remember tucking them in somewhere but its a vague memory. There is one other catch there is a shed in the back yard. It was my old land lady's and it was full of their junk. Her son, a very nice kid, came over one day in November and took a bunch of stuff out of there and I did not watch him or check what he took. So it is conceivable he took them or someone could have come in the backyard and just stolen them.
The idea that my stuff is hidden here and I hid it and can't remember has gotten me almost frantic. The idea that the x land lady's kid might have taken that stuff has driven me insane. (no one would have any reason to take that stuff unless they had my exact boat) My boat sitting over there on the beach whilst the summer goes by and it's is killing me.
I got the boat a few years ago used and replacing the stuff I lost new would cost way too much. I have many other things that are more important for that kind of money. So I'm stuck. I can't even sell the boat without those parts. Being stuck is the part related to trauma I think this jam is a kind of pattern I've repeated my whole life I can't explain it any better but I think some of you know what I mean. It's like finding yourself painted into the same corner over and over.
Sometimes in my feelings I think this is trauma related. Having lived most of my adult life with repressed memories. Also, after a capsize last year on father's day when I was out alone in the boat which is a two man rig, the coast guard brought me in. I wonder if I'm not afraid of it and so won't let myself find that stuff? I also feel guilty about it sometimes like I didn't deserve it.
Anyway I calmed down after awhile and accepted that I might not go sailing this year. Sounds like a designer problem right? It's not, not for me anyway. It's really hard for me not to equate the whole thing with me being bad or having done something wrong or being punished in some way. I scrimped and saved to get the money together to buy the stupid thing but like most things I really did have a love/hate relationship with it. Sometimes I even thought I wished I'd never bought it so I didn't have to worry everyday about if or not I was using it. SIGH. I console myself with the thought that God is probably saving me from some horrible accident or drowning lol.
Thanks if you read this. I will let you know if I ever find the stuff. I was just thinking "I know those things are still here somewhere in the world they still exist so, there is still hope."
