Sufferer I Am New To This..and Even This Feels Unreal

[CherryOrchard]

Hi,
I don't know if I belong here. I've been diagnosed with PTSD two years ago, but I still don't believe it. I thought I was going crazy. Sometimes I believe I still am. I just had an horrible episode of something happening, a trigger I guess, but I don't believe it myself. I don't believe in my feelings, thoughts or reactions. I don't believe in me. I question if it's all a dream, but this is all I've known since I was very young. I do not trust in others, and I feel like I'll never be able to connect with someone again. How do you express that you need help, when you don't believe it's real, and you don't believe anyone really wants to help. I am in therapy, but how do you share something when you do not believe in what you are sharing, or the therapist? I feel like my voice has been silenced, and I picture myself holding up a sign saying "HELP!" I feel tied up, restricted and unworthy.

I'm sorry, this is messy and pathetic. I just felt so utterly alone.

 

[scout86]

What you wrote actually didn't come off as "messy and pathetic".

You express all that by doing the best you can to be honest. It takes time to build a relationship of trust with a therapist. You need to give yourself, and them, time. (It helps if the person actually IS trustworthy, of course!) If you have doubts, say so. You're NOT unworthy. You have a right to be heard and to be helped. You should be able to tell your therapist exactly how confused you feel, exactly how much you doubt. That's the point. If it's a good therapist, it will be ok.

Welcome to the forum! (I think you belong here as much as anyone else does,)

 

[Echo]

Hi, @CherryOrchard, I feel the same. I feel as if everyone wants me to say definitely what has happened and when, and I am struggling to work out what status to accord things. My therapist has helped me a great deal and says it doesn't actually matter what happened per se; what matters is that my body is very upset by something, so something must have happened. The important thing is to get the trauma out of the system in a more ordered and less frenetic fashion.

Two things have helped me to start to believe aspects of things. One is my sister guessing what was happening to me, and believing me. When she finally got out of me what I was 'seeing' or 'remembering', her memories of the same years in the family home and the events and people around at the time were like missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. We stunned ourselves when we put them together.

The other thing was when my therapist got me to lie down and push my legs against the door. I was immediately back aged 8 trying to twist away from my father. The feelings which came up were so intense, I had to believe myself. Unfortunately, I was so terrified by it all and so shocked, I have clammed up totally now and tried to force a lid back on it all. I've ended up with four dislocated ribs and a frozen shoulder from the shock. I know I have to let go, but I know what you mean about feeling restricted and blocked.

I also struggle with feeling that because I haven't really believed myself, I must be some kind of hysteric (whatever that is) or attention-seeking thing (even though I dearly wish it would all go away completely and I could get back to whatever normal is). It certainly makes me feel unworthy and that my therapist will 'find me out'. I am stunned each time she takes it all seriously. On the other hand, I know what I am going through is immensely painful and devastating, so I alternate between disbelief and feeling useless and pathetic. Why can't I just snap out of it?

You are not alone. I'm sending you a careful, warm hug from one confused person to another, if you would like it.

 

[franciemarnie]

I would wager money that your reality was denied at one time, possibly when growing up which explains feeling crazy. But I am Not God so I don't know and I don't want to project a reality on you that isn't real. That's all you'd need!

I just know that having your reality denied particularly by family or the equivalent can make you feel insane. When people say someone is crazy, they say they aren't in touch with reality. If you grew up like me and had no choice but to live as if the false reality was true, living that dichotomy is enough to push you over the edge. It also requires you bury your authentic feelings and it can take time for them to come back.

I wonder what your T would say to what you say here. Hopefully they could help and explain things. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Echo]

@franciemarnie - that is a really interesting thought. It makes sense to me, and I hope it helps CherryOrchard, too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome

 

[elisabeth]

Welcome. I am pretty new myself. So far, i have found this place and these people to be wonderful and supportive. I hope you find some comfort and solace in the fact that you are not alone.You are not crazy at all. :)

 

[Bambibeeb]

I know exactly how you feel, i'm also new to this website and feel so separate sometimes. If you need someone to relate i'm always here to talk :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Cherry Orchard,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

I think many of us have found us in a similar place in regard to the diagnosis. I for one do not care for labels, and PTSD is not who I am, it is something that I have. When I got to that point and looked at it as a "disease" that needed to be treated, it made it a whole lot more easier to pursue therapy and other treatments.

The good thing is that PTSD is treatable and it doesn't have to define you or your life. As you work through the trauma and learn to manage the symptoms, you will find that you and life may be different than you expected, but that is not a bad thing. In some ways I have found things better.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing. Take it all just one step at a time.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Mercy]

I know what I am going through is immensely painful and devastating, so I alternate between disbelief and feeling useless and pathetic. Why

Hi CherryOrchard,
I hear you, 'immensely painful' is true and at the time it seems necessary to deny the truth because the pain is too high ( I understand from where is sit, which means I may be out in left field.) In order for me to get through every day things like school, play with friends, church I had to have and needed to have a large part of myself that was in total denial. In therapy, I would call it the dance with denial. Remembering horrific stuff and denial was something like flipping pancakes. Eventually, as amnesia wears away and all the truth had come out, You will be in a place someday that says,' I know what I know and I know that I know it.' Then denial is implausible. I still get moments of denial which I use as a teacher to see what has set it off.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Hi Cherry-Orchard.

when I found this site I was at probably my lowest ebb in life. What I found here in the last 9 months has lifted me to a high point in my life.

You will find understanding here and most importantly people will NOT ignore you. This has turned out to be such a positive thing for me just being able to come here and view threads, interact with total strangers who not only empathize with us as sufferers but on some level can actually sympathize.

Stay with us and welcome to the forum :-)

 

[HelenB]

I just wanted to also say welcome to this forum. I hope by now with the responses you have had that you will be feeling a bit more like you are totally welcome here and do belong and know that as we learn to listen more and more to ourselves that the things which do need to come up and be faced will do and am glad you have come to this place as part of your journey and wish you well in it.

God bless
Helen