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Relationship I Am Seriously Going To Lose It! Help!

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sthrngirl

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It is getting hard for me to separate the differences. I cannot tell if he is just being plain old MEAN or if it is his PTSD. When we are physically together, there are no problems for the most part, I enjoy spending time with him, which makes me want to see him more and more.

He recently flat out told me he did not want me to come over, he did not care to see me, that is exactly what he told me. He never really asks me to come over, he told me that I am his girlfriend and I am welcome at anytime, So when I told him I was coming over, he tells me he does not care to see me. I told him it hurt my feelings, and he said, well what do you want me to do, lie to you like most people in relationships and then grow to resent you? I have just never had anyone talk to me this way. I do any and everything for him and feel that I get nothing in return. We also don't communicate much via phone/internet. He said he did not feel the need to since we found out that we are compatible enough to be in a relationship, yet he does not ever ask me over, unless I am the one to go there or initiate it. I will also state that he recently got out of the military and is waiting on his money to be sent to him, so he has admitted feeling less of a man because of it and because he can't do things for me that I have been doing for him instead (like me mostly paying for dates, etc). But I don't mind, because I really like and think I even love this guy, if I didn't I don't think I could still be going thru this with him. We have been together 3 months, I know that is not long, so I feel that I know a lot about him but I don't know enough.

I know females for the most part like to text/talk on the phone more so than a guy does. My guy will literally go a few days without talking to me and maybe even more if I didn't contact him first. I don't want to be the one initiating everything anymore, it makes me feel unwanted. So please, if anyone can give me an insight on what I should do or what I am doing wrong, please help! :(I want to help this guy and I want to make it work, I know he has a great heart and he is a great person underneath his mean front he puts up at times.
 
I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure if my husband is mean because of his PTSD or if he's just mean. I didn't know him before he served, so I don't know what he was like.

want to help this guy and I want to make it work, I know he has a great heart and he is a great person underneath his mean front he puts up at times.

I've said the exact same thing, and I think over the past year I've developed a co-dependent relationship with him. So be careful. Make the changes now if you can. Be there for him but don't be a doormat.
 
Yeah, I have never been with man "like this". He intimidates me, but not in a way that I am afraid of him. It's almost like he is two different people. He can act happy and as if nothing is wrong around others, yet when it comes to me, he can be just so mean and cold. I can't even be open to the people around me about my relationship, because they would tell me to get out and immediately dislike him, even though no one has met him yet.
 
I strongly recommend reading the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She also wrote "Beyond Co-Dependency" which I also highly recommend. It sounds like you need him more than he needs you right now. Learn to take care of yourself and genuinely like who you are. Maybe when he learns that you will no longer pursue him, he will come around and start holding up his end of the relationship. Maybe he won't, but if that's the case, you do not want to be in a relationship with him anyway. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. And you never know, you might decide you deserve better even if he does come around.

Honestly, those books have helped me so much through a couple of relationships. I know when I feel drawn to read them again, that deep down, I know there is something terribly amiss in my relationship even if I am trying my darndest to deny it. Those books give me the strength I need to really look at myself and think about why I am in this relationship willing to put up with the bs. I will forever be thankful for the friend who saw me struggling and recommended the first book to me!
 
It is getting hard for me to separate the differences. I cannot tell if he is just being plain old MEAN or if it is his PTSD. When we are physically together, there are no problems for the most part, I enjoy spending time with him, which makes me want to see him more and more.

Southerngirl, I have suffered with untreated PTSD and chronic pain for the past 7 years and the only reason I was able to make it through was because of my wife and children. There were definitely times where I needed to be alone but I always needed to come home because I felt lost without them. If he is looking for the sympathy card then maybe it is just a pity excuse maybe allowing him some space and ignoring his PTSD will help him realize what he has and that he needs you. You cannot help someone with , they have to want to help themselves which in my case took 7 years of drinking and horrific nightmares and the love of my family to seek help.
 
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I feel like I can't talk to my friends either. That's why I'm on here. I don't want them to hate him. I think I've fallen into a bad pattern and am just now realizing it. Maybe marriage wasn't something I should have jumped into, but I am where I am now. I want this to work, so I am exploring many different alternatives. Improving myself and not letting myself be treated in a bad way is a first step. If that's all my husband wants in a wife, then he picked the wrong person. I know it's going to be a process, but I love him, and if he really does love me, we'll work on this together.
 
I myself have depression and anxiety and I am medicated. SO I know there is hope, he just does not think so. I stayed over at his house ONCE and he said he slept okay for once in a while. That made me feel good, because it was the night I stayed with him.

This past weekend he said I was suppose to come over Saturday, but we didn't even have plans. He said you told me you wanted to come over and I was like yeah but you didn't ask me to, I just told you I wanted to. And then he goes on and says well I didn't want you to come over anyways but if you say your going to do something you should do it.

So I am like are you serious? Your mad that I didn't come because we "made plans" (which we didn't), yet you didn't want me here anyways? It is things like that I don't know how to understand. I think to myself-- If he is blunt enough to say "I don't want to see you" then if he didn't want to be with me, I figure he would be blunt enough to tell me that too. It is just so difficult. I feel like all I do is try try try and he just doesn't see what I am going thru.
 
I know it's going to be a process, but I love him, and if he really does love me, we'll work on this together.

Our relationship is still so new, I was in a 5 year relationship before him and it ended so badly. I was single for a little over a year, built up my self esteem and felt good about ME for the first time in a long time. I don't want to lose in myself, with him, what I had gained while I was alone.
 
I feel like I can't talk to my friends either. That's why I'm on here. I don't want them to hate him. I think I've fallen into a bad pattern and am just now realizing it. Maybe marriage wasn't something I should have jumped into, but I am where I am now. I want this to work, so I am exploring many different alternatives. Improving myself and not letting myself be treated in a bad way is a first step. If that's all my husband wants in a wife, then he picked the wrong person. I know it's going to be a process, but I love him, and if he really does love me, we'll work on this together.
All of you ladies out there need to realize that power you have over the men in your lives. Start by wearing a hot outfit around the house and when you go out to the store, something that you know will drive your guy crazy. TRUST ME, he will come around and be eating out of your hand before you know it.
 
Ultimately, it doesn't matter why someone is hurtful, cruel, indifferent, dismissive, or otherwise hurtful. They are continuously hurtful is because they are the type of person who is continuously hurtful.

You deserve so much more. I hope you'll explore why in the world would you want to be "in" a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you with love, kindness, support, respect, and compassion? What are you getting out of this?

Perhaps my best suggestion is that you ask yourself, "if this is the way he is, and will be the rest of our time together...can I be healthy and happy with that?"

The clearest view of someone's intent is to ignore everything they say, and pay attention only to what behavior they do, or fail to do.

May your journey be filled with happiness, love, and kind people all around you.
 
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