searchingfortruth
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I am trying to understand a disturbing childhood memory. What do you think this was about?
Here it is:
I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time. I remember for a number of weeks prior to the day in question, I was told by my mother that, even if she was not home but my father was, not to bother him (he would spend most of the time isolating himself in their bedroom (a very large bedroom with separate beds) and barely spoke to any of us children during those few weeks....Looking back at it I think he was going through some kind of depression or anxiety. All his children were told by my mother not to ask anything of him or even knock on his bedroom door - unless it was an emergency).
One day I had a play date at our house with another girl and I remember that my mother was not home at the time. None of my sisters were home either. So on the day in question, it was just me and my friend (who was also around my age) playing in the house and my father locked up in his and my mother’s upstairs bedroom. I knew I was not allowed to bother my Dad by knocking on the bedroom door so when my friend and I went upstairs I intended that we play in what was my bedroom at the time and not bother my Dad. But when we approached the top of the stairs, leading to my bedroom, to my surprise my Dad opened his bedroom door and greeted us. I remember being really surprised that he came out and, not expecting him to say yes, I asked him if he wanted to play with us. Again, to my surprise, he said "yes". What also surprised me was that in the days prior to that he wanted nothing to do with me and I remember thinking in my little head "he only wants to play because my friend is here?".
So all three of us went into my bedroom. I remember my friend and I were sitting on the floor and my father was sitting on a chair. I remember naming a game I wanted us to play (I can’t remember what the game was that I suggested but it was some typical game a child would want to play (for example hide and seek or something). Then my father said "no, we always play what I (me) wants to play – this time we were going to play a different game. A game he wants to play”. Then he said that we were going to pretend that he was me and I was him. And since I am him I need to leave the room and he (now pretending to be me was going to play with my friend). He ordered me out of the room. Closed the door, now alone with my friend. And told me to go down stairs. He made it clear I was forbidden to come back up the stairs unless he called me back up.
I went down the stairs and went into the kitchen. I remember being very upset and confused by what was happening. I also remember distinctly suddenly becoming extremely nauseous and feeling like I was going to throw up. I remember calling up the stairs begging to be allowed to come back up but he would yell out "NO!, with intensity and urgency. So I obediently stayed down the stairs. I don’t remember how much time went by. But at some point my sister came home (who was about 10 at the time) and came in the kitchen. I told her that Dad and my friend were upstairs in my bedroom and we were not allowed to go upstairs. She started running up the stairs anyway (a long and loud stairway – it was a very large and old house) and I hear her (my sister's) loud voice and knocking on the bedroom door to be let in (I tended to be the quite one compared to my sister and she was more outspoken and strong willed so it was not surprising that she would disregard my father’s wishes and go up the stairs and attempt to enter the bedroom anyway. After she went up I followed up too...
My memory gets a little fuzzy after that but I remember being in my bedroom again with my friend and my sister there and all I remember is my friend seems upset and withdrawn... I "think" (but am not sure) I remember her saying she did not want to play anymore and wanted to go home. This part is also really fuzzy but I think (but again am not sure) her parents called after she got home and talked to my mother on the phone... and my mother being upset with me because of something that happened but i am really blocked about the details....
I do feel like i was blamed for something but can't remember (I tried asking my mother a few years ago (as an adult) if she remembers this incident but, she actually got annoyed with me and says she doesn’t. Asked sister separately but says she does not remember this day (it was over 40 years ago). Also, my father is no longer living.
But I am sure this happened. Just fuzzy about what happened once I was back up in the bedroom with my friend and sister. But I am sure my friend appeared unhappy and withdrawn.
40 years later, I have my own idea about what happened (while trying to fill in the blanks) but don't want to say because I would like to hear others objective opinion about what they think this was actually about. What could possibly be his motive or intention?
Here it is:
I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time. I remember for a number of weeks prior to the day in question, I was told by my mother that, even if she was not home but my father was, not to bother him (he would spend most of the time isolating himself in their bedroom (a very large bedroom with separate beds) and barely spoke to any of us children during those few weeks....Looking back at it I think he was going through some kind of depression or anxiety. All his children were told by my mother not to ask anything of him or even knock on his bedroom door - unless it was an emergency).
One day I had a play date at our house with another girl and I remember that my mother was not home at the time. None of my sisters were home either. So on the day in question, it was just me and my friend (who was also around my age) playing in the house and my father locked up in his and my mother’s upstairs bedroom. I knew I was not allowed to bother my Dad by knocking on the bedroom door so when my friend and I went upstairs I intended that we play in what was my bedroom at the time and not bother my Dad. But when we approached the top of the stairs, leading to my bedroom, to my surprise my Dad opened his bedroom door and greeted us. I remember being really surprised that he came out and, not expecting him to say yes, I asked him if he wanted to play with us. Again, to my surprise, he said "yes". What also surprised me was that in the days prior to that he wanted nothing to do with me and I remember thinking in my little head "he only wants to play because my friend is here?".
So all three of us went into my bedroom. I remember my friend and I were sitting on the floor and my father was sitting on a chair. I remember naming a game I wanted us to play (I can’t remember what the game was that I suggested but it was some typical game a child would want to play (for example hide and seek or something). Then my father said "no, we always play what I (me) wants to play – this time we were going to play a different game. A game he wants to play”. Then he said that we were going to pretend that he was me and I was him. And since I am him I need to leave the room and he (now pretending to be me was going to play with my friend). He ordered me out of the room. Closed the door, now alone with my friend. And told me to go down stairs. He made it clear I was forbidden to come back up the stairs unless he called me back up.
I went down the stairs and went into the kitchen. I remember being very upset and confused by what was happening. I also remember distinctly suddenly becoming extremely nauseous and feeling like I was going to throw up. I remember calling up the stairs begging to be allowed to come back up but he would yell out "NO!, with intensity and urgency. So I obediently stayed down the stairs. I don’t remember how much time went by. But at some point my sister came home (who was about 10 at the time) and came in the kitchen. I told her that Dad and my friend were upstairs in my bedroom and we were not allowed to go upstairs. She started running up the stairs anyway (a long and loud stairway – it was a very large and old house) and I hear her (my sister's) loud voice and knocking on the bedroom door to be let in (I tended to be the quite one compared to my sister and she was more outspoken and strong willed so it was not surprising that she would disregard my father’s wishes and go up the stairs and attempt to enter the bedroom anyway. After she went up I followed up too...
My memory gets a little fuzzy after that but I remember being in my bedroom again with my friend and my sister there and all I remember is my friend seems upset and withdrawn... I "think" (but am not sure) I remember her saying she did not want to play anymore and wanted to go home. This part is also really fuzzy but I think (but again am not sure) her parents called after she got home and talked to my mother on the phone... and my mother being upset with me because of something that happened but i am really blocked about the details....
I do feel like i was blamed for something but can't remember (I tried asking my mother a few years ago (as an adult) if she remembers this incident but, she actually got annoyed with me and says she doesn’t. Asked sister separately but says she does not remember this day (it was over 40 years ago). Also, my father is no longer living.
But I am sure this happened. Just fuzzy about what happened once I was back up in the bedroom with my friend and sister. But I am sure my friend appeared unhappy and withdrawn.
40 years later, I have my own idea about what happened (while trying to fill in the blanks) but don't want to say because I would like to hear others objective opinion about what they think this was actually about. What could possibly be his motive or intention?
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