I Block People Out And Only Operate In Safe Mode, So I Don't Get Hurt Anymore!

[Cillo4485]

Hi Im Bekki, I am a counsellor for people with autism, as well as being a PTSD sufferer myself. I spent time in prison due to petty offences and behavioural problems due to my own autism, which is where I was subjected to abuse at the hands of my personal officer, I ahve been through lots of counselling, and still do it. I think I have perfected living alongside my PTSD withtout letting it affect my work and friends and family, But I know its not going to go away.

Im currently doing studies in counselling and recently we had a talk from a PTSD therapist, which brought my PTSD to the surface, which i found extremely hard. A close friend of mine recently described me as "A computer, which is constantly in safe mode", which I tend to agree with. I know I block things out and deliberately dont allow myself to feel certain emotions or to be affected by things, people think I can cope with any situation, and there are few people who have ever really seen the real me since it happened.

I hate my PTSD, because It wont allow people to get close to me, I have had relationships, but as soon as anyone gets close, I push them away, rather than risk them finding out what I consider to be "dirty secrets".

Im struggling at present because my friend who is a psychologist has been spending a lot of time with me, and I am worried about letting my guard down, Im scared that if he knows exactly what happened then, he'll view me differently, does anyone else get that?

Im looking forward to getting to know others on the forum, and hope that its therputic in some ways.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the world of PTSD..... You have just explained what many of us here also go though on a daily basis in our lives.....I used to live by this motto, when people would get too close. "**** 'em, before they can **** you." In my mind, I needed to end the relationship, before they found out, or hurt me because I was weird....

Many of us, have built walls around us, so high that no one can get in, and they eventually give up trying. We have safe guarded ourselves to the point that it's lonely and empty to be in our shoes, but protection comes first. It doesn't have to be this way, but trusting is hard, and it makes us feel vulnerable....That's something that we don't like to feel....

Working on your trauma, things will get better, it just takes time, and effort.......This is an awesome place to do just that......

 

[anni]

Hi,

That's a really familiar syndrome for me, and since I joined here I've read that an awful lot of other sufferers 'do that' also. It personally drives me crazy on a regular basis. I don't come across to others as a computer, but it's allll pretty much a veneer and absolutely have a dreadful time being close to anyone. It's much, much easier here on the forum to feel it's ok to slowly allow oneself to connect and I'm not entirely sure why. Possibly there's not the explaining to do about all the wierd dynamics we have to set up before trying to maintain contact with others.

It's a really healthy thing for you to have somewhat of an 'inside scoop' with which to continue your healing, though. That must be really quite comforting in a way.

I hope you can keep coming here because it is just genuinely helpful not to be alone with this dreck. :)

Take care,

Anni

 

[Sunventurer]

Greetings, Bekki,

Really sorry to hear of all you've been having to deal with - I do hope you'll find this a safe, therapeutic place to talk, with other people with experience of struggling with all these horrible things that PTSD brings up.

Even though you've had a lot of counselling, I think sometimes we may be managing quite well on the face of it but it takes immense strength and effort, and because the trauma is still there, any extra stress or reminder is very hard to deal with. And counselling itself can unlock such intense memories and feelings of vulnerability, can't it.

I think I can understand what you say about the PTSD not allowing closeness with people... The worry about letting your guard down - yes, that's a familiar worry with me too, and as with you, it is partly because of the fear that the other person will view me differently. It can feel quite isolating - and I tend to feel as if I am always hiding something, which is a strain in itself. I wonder if you feel that aspect too?

But even though this can be a very limiting fear, I think it's also worth listening to those feelings/worries, and taking things slowly, rather than rushing into sharing your personal stories, as it can bring too many PTSD feelings up without the support or feeling of safety to deal with them... There have been times when I've ignored those worries and shared personal, vulnerable stuff with somebody, and actually regretted it - either because I really wasn't ready, or because of their reaction, or both.
There are people who will respond to your experiences with a lot of care, openness and respect; but there are others whose reactions will be less understanding or sensitive - and it's true, too, that some people will view a person differently when they know what they've been through. There's also the gossip aspect - some people are better than others at keeping what you tell them in confidence.

So I don't mean at all to minimise the importance of this issue of closeness, and trying to work on it, but think self-protection is important too - not feeling pushed or rushed (by your self or anyone else) into telling things which you can't un-say. Just taking things step-by-step, doing things when you are ready enough and with people it feels right with...

It sounds like your counselling studies and involvement could be helpful with insight and tools that can relate to the PTSD as well as specifically autism.

And along the way, hopefully talking on this forum will help with it all... I've not been on the forum long, but have noticed how people don't have to explain too much detail to each other because there is a lot of shared understanding already from experiencing PTSD...

Take care, Bekki,

Sunventurer

 

[suzie q]

Welcome to the forum Bekki!!

I hear what you are saying and can relate to a lot of the feelings you are having. For me it boils down to trust. I have a pretty high wall for safety that even my husband has a hard time looking over. My lack of trust goes back to the developing days of early childhood, so it's been with me for awhile. Some days are better than others.

I've been on lots of different medicine combinations, diagnosed with all kinds of problems since late 70's early 80's, and come to the end of the symptom range. I've had therapy till I'm blue in the face. I've dealt with alot of my past and pain. Reported it, felt it, relived it, etc... The point is, I never knew how strongly my PTSD symptoms were effecting my life until the middle of last year. PTSD hit me like a ton of bricks...I'm still having problems handling the overflow. I had two family tragedies back to back and then I lost it somewhere.

I still don't trust and find myself trying to reattach to society by using this forum. So far, it has been completely safe and I have found many places of information that have helped me chill a little. I keep telling myself to trust the process. That's a hard one for me. If you have found some help with therapy, I strongly suggest you at least try. I lost my therapist a few years back to MS and Lupus. I miss having someone that understands me and helps me be the best I can be.

Good luck on your journey,
suzie q

 

[Cillo4485]

Thanks

Thanks to everyone who has replied to my post and made me feel welcome, :wink:

 

[blarneystone]

Welcome! I completely sympathize, I've worked with autistic children myself and can appreciate the extremes that come with autism as well as the seclusion that often arises.

We're all in the same boat, some people are on the aft, the port, the bow or the poop deck, but we're all here somewhere. I'm fighting my flight or flight in relationships, I don't tend to fight in them, just walk away and wave from a bus/train window without much warning. I realize this is unhealthy, but it is also something I can't stop doing without incredibly explosions of anxiety, anger, and depression. Currently, I've got two wonderful children and they're keeping me grounded, but I still have that pack up my bags and disappear response often when the emotions get too much.

All I can say, is talk about it with those who understand, try to be patient with yourself, and don't go to a negative place because that will just cause you more pain. Try to keep positive, and reward yourself for little things to begin with and work up to the larger obstacles.

Again, Welcome!

Blarney.

 

[EverOnly358]

"Many of us, have built walls around us, so high that no one can get in, and they eventually give up trying. We have safe guarded ourselves to the point that it's lonely and empty to be in our shoes, but protection comes first."

That is so well said! That's exactly how it is. And the people around me just don't understand. I don't want to be freaked out about every little thing, every little noise, but I am. Trying to pretend I'm not or forcing myself to pretend like I'm not upset just makes everything so much worse! Is sympathy too much to ask for?? I've been so desperate for a little sympathy for so long... I'm not even sure I know how to accept it if I did get some, y'know?

 

[amethist]

Hi D123

You have replied to a thread that is over 3 years old and the member who posted last has not been active on the forum since May 2010.

You can see the date bottom left of the last post.