My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past year and a half. I am a full-time undergraduate student with a full-time job, so I am often exhausted and stressed out. My boyfriend has been super supportive throughout our relationship. He always manages to calm me down when I'm anxious, and he does little things for me like buying bubbles for the bath when he knows I have a stressful deadline coming up, etc. He is really amazing and has always treated me very well.
About two months ago, a number of stressful things started to happen that completely overwhelmed me. My therapist decided I was ready to stop therapy, my ex-boyfriend (with whom I had an abusive relationship) emailed me wanting to work on building a friendship, and my friend-turned-coworker turned against me and started lying about me to our employers and generally treating me like shit at work (I went home in tears many times). I then had an unexpectedly intense conversation with my father in which he apologized for traumatizing me and took full responsibility for my diagnosis and for the effects of his abuse. Although it was good to hear that, the next two days were some of the worst I have ever had. I contemplated suicide, feeling convinced that I would never move past my trauma and become a whole person. In the midst of all of this, I have been working on my senior thesis for my degree. In short, my life has been completely insane for a little while now.
A friend who also has PTSD told me that the year she was diagnosed was one of the most difficult years of her life. When I told her, months ago, that I was only diagnosed in May, she was surprised that I have been dealing with it as well as I have been. Now I feel like it's catching up with me.
I responded to all of this by breaking up with my boyfriend, having convinced myself that I need to be single in order to work on these issues and heal. After a short time living apart, I realized how stupid I have been. It's obvious to me now that I felt so out of control and desperate, and that whether or not I was in a relationship was the only thing I had any control over. I talked to my boyfriend about it and he, being the understanding person he is, moved back in and has agreed to go to therapy with me and work through whatever it is I am going through right now. We are taking things one day at a time and not talking too much about future plans, because it is overwhelming for both of us.
He has been back home for two weeks now and I'm just starting to get over my self-obsessed guilt over having hurt him. He genuinely wants to move on, and it's taking me some time to forgive myself and stop ruminating on what I did. I still sort of feel like I don't deserve him, but I know that's the abused person inside me talking. I wanted to share this here to find out if any of you have had similar experiences, or if you have any insights you'd like to share.
About two months ago, a number of stressful things started to happen that completely overwhelmed me. My therapist decided I was ready to stop therapy, my ex-boyfriend (with whom I had an abusive relationship) emailed me wanting to work on building a friendship, and my friend-turned-coworker turned against me and started lying about me to our employers and generally treating me like shit at work (I went home in tears many times). I then had an unexpectedly intense conversation with my father in which he apologized for traumatizing me and took full responsibility for my diagnosis and for the effects of his abuse. Although it was good to hear that, the next two days were some of the worst I have ever had. I contemplated suicide, feeling convinced that I would never move past my trauma and become a whole person. In the midst of all of this, I have been working on my senior thesis for my degree. In short, my life has been completely insane for a little while now.
A friend who also has PTSD told me that the year she was diagnosed was one of the most difficult years of her life. When I told her, months ago, that I was only diagnosed in May, she was surprised that I have been dealing with it as well as I have been. Now I feel like it's catching up with me.
I responded to all of this by breaking up with my boyfriend, having convinced myself that I need to be single in order to work on these issues and heal. After a short time living apart, I realized how stupid I have been. It's obvious to me now that I felt so out of control and desperate, and that whether or not I was in a relationship was the only thing I had any control over. I talked to my boyfriend about it and he, being the understanding person he is, moved back in and has agreed to go to therapy with me and work through whatever it is I am going through right now. We are taking things one day at a time and not talking too much about future plans, because it is overwhelming for both of us.
He has been back home for two weeks now and I'm just starting to get over my self-obsessed guilt over having hurt him. He genuinely wants to move on, and it's taking me some time to forgive myself and stop ruminating on what I did. I still sort of feel like I don't deserve him, but I know that's the abused person inside me talking. I wanted to share this here to find out if any of you have had similar experiences, or if you have any insights you'd like to share.
