Mee
Diamond Member
Your thread made me nod.
I have been accused of being too ‘nice’. But it’s not something I recognise in myself; I speak my mind and I have struggled with ‘ authenticity’ only in a reaction related rape where I covered it up in the main for a couple of months Trying to pretend to the majority of people that nothing had happened.
I do however see that people respond to me differently if they are expecting something... sharper. I also acknowledge very strongly that I spent too much time in my younger years trying to ‘surpass anger’. Instead this has me vulnerable and struggling. ( I did not have a powerful ‘no’ when I needed it for example).
Regarding abusers being nice; yes. I agree some but not all are. My ‘trigger’ abuser is also one of the two nicest people I know :(. And I do mean genuinely nice. He listened to me, feeds homeless people and loves his family. He is also inauthentic/ ungenuine because he lies to him self and others about things and to get his way ; and he appeared genuine, I spotted no ‘tell’ sign in him.
My rapist otoh is very nice, very well liked, but revealed to me abhorrent things about herself.
Had these people not been nice I would not have let myself be close to them. In a vulnerable position. By the time I was aware with the rapist she was not who I thought... it was too late.
I do like ‘nice’ people. I don’t believe in good or bad people even those who were shitty to me; they did shitty things but had shitty things done to them.
I guess the people who scare me are the people who look the other way; the people who ‘knew’ things aren’t right and don’t speak out. I have wondered about boundaries with this in the past but I just know now it’s always better to inform. I also want to be more discerning about who I know... I only want to know ‘authentic’ people preferably kind ones to limit the amount of time I spend ‘on watch duty’
Good luck eve.
I have been accused of being too ‘nice’. But it’s not something I recognise in myself; I speak my mind and I have struggled with ‘ authenticity’ only in a reaction related rape where I covered it up in the main for a couple of months Trying to pretend to the majority of people that nothing had happened.
I do however see that people respond to me differently if they are expecting something... sharper. I also acknowledge very strongly that I spent too much time in my younger years trying to ‘surpass anger’. Instead this has me vulnerable and struggling. ( I did not have a powerful ‘no’ when I needed it for example).
Regarding abusers being nice; yes. I agree some but not all are. My ‘trigger’ abuser is also one of the two nicest people I know :(. And I do mean genuinely nice. He listened to me, feeds homeless people and loves his family. He is also inauthentic/ ungenuine because he lies to him self and others about things and to get his way ; and he appeared genuine, I spotted no ‘tell’ sign in him.
My rapist otoh is very nice, very well liked, but revealed to me abhorrent things about herself.
Had these people not been nice I would not have let myself be close to them. In a vulnerable position. By the time I was aware with the rapist she was not who I thought... it was too late.
I do like ‘nice’ people. I don’t believe in good or bad people even those who were shitty to me; they did shitty things but had shitty things done to them.
I guess the people who scare me are the people who look the other way; the people who ‘knew’ things aren’t right and don’t speak out. I have wondered about boundaries with this in the past but I just know now it’s always better to inform. I also want to be more discerning about who I know... I only want to know ‘authentic’ people preferably kind ones to limit the amount of time I spend ‘on watch duty’
Good luck eve.
