I can’t talk about it

[abg1202]

So my trauma happened 17 years ago when I was in high school. It began with an abusive relationship, we started dating at the beginning of my freshman year and I was finally able to end things shortly after starting sophomore year. About a month after that relationship ended I was assaulted by three friends at a party. I didn’t tell anyone until I ended up in a court ordered treatment center about 3 months later. My counselor there promised me anything I told her would be confidential, but when I told her something happened she told me she’d have to tell my parents and report it to police. I tried to tell them I lied about it but they pushed me for details. I ended up saying I didn’t know the guys or anyone else at the party and gave so little information that they dropped it. I was there for about 3 months. A few months after I got out I was assaulted again by my abusive ex after he convinced me to go talk with him so he could apologize and promised if I talked with him he’d never bother me again. I never told anyone about that and never talked about any of those situations until about a two years ago when I started therapy again. I have struggled with flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks and pretty severe avoidance ever since. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 13 years now and only recently told him that something happened. My therapist is pushing me to talk about it, and I think I know it will help but I can’t bring myself to do it. Every time it comes up I shut down. I feel like my whole body tenses up and I’m physically unable to get the words out. When I’m not in that moment and I think about talking about it I tell myself I can do it and it seems silly that I can’t when I’m there. I head to every session feeling confident that today’s the day, but as soon as I pull in the parking lot I start to feel panicky and by the time I get into his office I’m right back in shut down mode. I don’t know how to move past that feeling and just get the words out. I trust my therapist, and I do trust his process, there’s just a hang up that I can’t explain and doesn’t make sense. I feel stupid that I can’t talk and that just makes it worse each time because not only am I anxious about the thought of discussing details but I’m also beating myself up for feeling that way and not being able to do it. It’s a viscous cycle. Anybody else struggle with this? If so have you been able to move past it and talk? Was it worth it?

 

[shimmerz]

Any chance you can start off by writing about it? Maybe bringing in what you wrote about to your therapist?

 

[Missycat]

I absolutely understand how difficult it is to say the words. It took me a while to build up trust with my t and trust that i could share information with her - i still struggle to sometimes say the words and thats after working together for 2+ years - i kept quiet and internalised for so many years there was a real fear of sharing.
I found it easier (and i still sometimes do this) to write it down and email her , i was very nervous the next time we met but it allowed her to prepare questions and have a plan to support me - she understood it was very hard for me. Also as it was via email it removed my concern of seeing her reaction to what i had written.
Hope this helps. All the best.

 

[blackemerald1]

So what I am understand is that when you disclosed the assault to the therapist in the court ordered treatment centre, that therapist lied to you about confidentiality and completely betrayed your trust by releasing the information to family etc.,

And now you have this issue with disclosing to your current therapist? Is your history with the first T the reason why?

Have you you told him/her about what happened with the first T? Does your current T know that you are having a really difficult time talking through the assault by your boyfriend or does your T not know about it at all?

I have had two kinds of theories given to me by T's. One being that there really is no need to talk or disclose the exact details of the trauma and the other being the total opposite. It seems nobody can agree.

Agree with the idea of writing it out..

 

[abg1202]

Any chance you can start off by writing about it? Maybe bringing in what you wrote about to your therapist?

Ya, I've tried that a couple times. I've actually written it out twice but haven't been able to either read it or give it to him. But that's kind of the route he's suggesting at this point too.

 

[abg1202]

I absolutely understand how difficult it is to say the words. It took me a while to build up trust with my t and trust that i could share information with her - i still struggle to sometimes say the words and thats after working together for 2+ years - i kept quiet and internalised for so many years there was a real fear of sharing.
I found it easier (and i still sometimes do this) to write it down and email her , i was very nervous the next time we met but it allowed her to prepare questions and have a plan to support me - she understood it was very hard for me. Also as it was via email it removed my concern of seeing her reaction to what i had written.
Hope this helps. All the best.

That's a good idea, to email it. When I wrote it out and brought it to my session he asked me if I wanted him to read it since I couldn't and I said no, and I thought about leaving it with him to read after I left but that didn't end up happening. I could write it out in email and send it when I'm feeling less anxious and at home. Thanks for the suggestion, I might give it a try.

 

[abg1202]

So what I am understand is that when you disclosed the assault to the therapist in the court ordered treatment centre, that therapist lied to you about confidentiality and completely betrayed your trust by releasing the information to family etc.,

And now you have this issue with disclosing to your current therapist? Is your history with the first T the reason why?

Have you you told him/her about what happened with the first T? Does your current T know that you are having a really difficult time talking through the assault by your boyfriend or does your T not know about it at all?

I have had two kinds of theories given to me by T's. One being that there really is no need to talk or disclose the exact details of the trauma and the other being the total opposite. It seems nobody can agree.

Agree with the idea of writing it out..

Ya, and when my counselor there told my parents I told them not to tell anyone. I found out shortly before I got out that my mom told several people. My current therapist knows what happened with the first counselor and he does know about both situations. He thinks that I need to talk about the details. I understand and trust his process, it's just really hard and I'm finding it almost impossible to do it.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm finding it almost impossible to do it.

Well sometimes we need a lot of time to be able to talk about trauma and details. How long have you been going to see your current T?

 

[abg1202]

Well sometimes we need a lot of time to be able to talk about trauma and details. How long have you been going to see your current T?

Almost two years.

 

[Missycat]

@abg1202 , ive been seeing my t over 2 years and i still struggle to say somethings, in particular any detail about the abuse. As we have worked together a while she can sense when im wanting to talk but struggle with the words so it works for me if she asks questions or if i have emailed her previously she will refer to the email and re quote what i have written .. this works for me but it took us building the relationship to be able to do that.

 

[Mach123]

I couldn't write it down the idea somehow I'd leave it so it'd get read terrified me. It took a lot of years and therapists. It all came our finally. You can't rush it. Sounds like you are doing what you can. Nothing easy about it. I think trying is all that matters. The rest pretty much happens by itself. You are doing it.