I Can Still Hear Him!

[Deleted member 20280]

I thought I had finally overcome the shadow they left behind. The damaged timeline they caused over years of hurting HIM.

Each time they left a small piece of themselves behind, a shadow of their abuse. Each time those pieces found each other they tried grey stronger but remained quiet until they were all together.

Well they have done it again except this time those pieces have all been listening to each other, whispering to each other their own dark little secrets, finally making them one. These pieces are no longer scattered amongst green fields and flowers, darkness crawling along in the daylight trying to hide the shame and pain they suffered.

These pieces are ONE now, they are finally WHOLE, with all their memories intact, each one of them relating their own tale of suffering to the other. Finally they can breath and breath they. No longer breathing the stale dank odour of abuse.

THEY want to release HIM and I just cannot let HIM out. He has been waiting for decades for this day to come and HE wants OUT. He has been imprisoned in the shadows for too long.

** These are the voices of a young boy who grew into a man and that little boy can now reason just what they did to him, and he wants them all to suffer, all to pay for what they did to every tiny innocent piece of HIM **

I am struggling to reason with him and he is getting stronger, bolder as he grows.

The biggest problem is I know who he is, I have glimpsed him so many times as I have grown up. He used to be scared and vulnerable, hid his face and cowered in the corner of darkened rooms waiting for the next time one off them enter. They have stopped coming in now and he has had time to sit, time to realise how strong he has become.

This I feel will be one of the toughest battles HE and I have ever faced.

HE is ME and I have to stop HIM!

 

[Powder]

Laurie,

Get to a safe place and let him say what he wants to say with a therapist. Let him have his time to vent his rage, in a safe place. He deserves that, at least. Don't be afraid because remember, he is still you. You can never lose control of yourself. Love him. He has survived so much. He is a good boy who didn't deserve any of it. None of it. I love him. You must love him, too.

 

[Powder]

He is angry now, because in listening to him and his pain, you are angry for what you have survived and carried. Don't bottle up the rage and turn it inward. Rather, realize that anger is fully justified and normal as an emotion for what has happened. You are not crazy. You are good, normal, and healing.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe it's not so much that you need to stop him/you. Maybe you need to be his ally...

I work (in a very part time but long term role) with very traumatized kids who have been through horrible things. The more we (adults in their lives) try to stop them when they are angry, the more angry they become and the more they act out. Even throwing chairs! But, when we try to be their allies, without condoning behaviors that are not ok, the more the kids settle down... and they begin to softly tell us what they need now and what they needed then... instead of screaming it at us...

It's been a really stunning lesson for me to experience... because I'm almost never my own ally to myself, especially to the part of me that is a monster. Every now and then, I am, for a moment, and my inner monsterous self... changes... I don't know how to describe it or explain it. maybe it's just my stuff...

Keep fighting the good fight to heal all of you. You are an inspiration.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Get to a safe place and let him say what he wants to say with a therapist.

Trouble is the physical Laurie has a box of masks that he can wear whenever he needs to, these masks were his armour of survival when he needed to be safe.

Laurie can wear these masks at whim but is getting so tired of hiding behind them, all he wants to do is shatter the masks and let the true, however upsetting out.

Therapy at this time is not an option as the Psychiatrists believe that Laurie is safe, (last CPN was fooled by the mask I wore to the interview and the report states that I am dealing well with my stresses (outwardly as the mask I have has been perfected over many years).

I have no therapist as a result and cannot afford one. I will not whine about this, they sought to hurt me then and they are still hurting me now.

I will admit to struggling with this fight and I am not sure how this will pan out. I could just lose myself to the bottom of the bottle and blot out the memories yet again but where would that get me. Back to square one and the next time HE wants to play will be worse than this time.

I post this thread as I cannot afford to block him out any-more,

He is a good boy who didn't deserve any of it. None of it. I love him. You must love him, too.

He battled to strive for acceptance and love as a child, and was met with abrupt and more often brutal responses. He is tired of all this now and just wants to rest and sleep. Sleep that is not dispersed with horror and nightmares. The booze hides these terrors from him and he manages to survive a day at a time.

I will not let HIM succumb to the drink any-more. I do love him and always have, I have tried so hard to hug him when he is upset and love him the way he should have been loved as a child. He has seen so much pain and suffering in himself and others for so many years now that a time has come for me to let him speak and for me to stop trying to shut him out. After all that is what they did to him. All of them, they shut him away when he wanted to cry out, they locked his door and let him scream and sob in the room all alone.

By drinking and blotting out the reality of what happened I am now shutting the door on HIM and that makes me just as bad as them.

I will not shut him away and however hard this will be for me, it is the right thing to do. He needs to speak and more importantly he needs to be heard ...... BY ME!

 

[Powder]

Yes, I can understand everything you have said. All of it. Hugs. Once you listen to him and, as the intelligent and caring adult you so obviously are, love all of yourself, you will see that love melt some of the icy, hard edges slowly but surely.

It hurts to open that door and let him rage, but listen to him and love him unconditionally, and he will quiet. Hug him, and he will melt into your consciousness and be happy and at peace to be loved. The incomplete actions will be completed by you.

 

[Nicci777]

Honestly I really think you should try to change your focus from yourself to helping others. You are so "in it" right now. I've been there. As my therapist says sometimes you just need to let go and push the feelings aside or they will rule you. Maybe if you start to focus on others and maybe doing things like hobbies you won't be so paralyzed. You are stronger than this I'm sure. I have been through what you have and worse which is why I joined this forum. My advice is to let the pain go and forgive Them.

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

Yo Laurie. Be good to that kid. Sounds like others weren't. Take care of HIM.
Put the masks down when you're dealing with HIM. He deserves someone who keeps it real.
Whatever happened, I hope you're doing well man.
Hugs

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dear Nicc777, if you actually knew me you would actually be aware that apart from my threads I help anyone and everyone qho approaches me, I have a list of proven groundings that i pm othees all thw time. I am insulted to read you try and tell me that you compare our traumas.

You also may notice that your reply to my thread is to a thread from April 5 2014, trust me a lot has happened since then in my life and if you cared to take the timw to ask other members here if all i so is wallow in my own self pity you would in dact be shot down in flames.

@anthony please review this thread, many thanks.

 

[Nicci777]

I apologize. Was only trying to help.

 

[joeylittle]

please review this thread, many thanks.

@Mr Laurie - the right process here is to report the thread for a rule violation, not to tag the site admin.

In this case, @Nicci777 did nothing wrong, was only offering a suggestion. It's a good reminder to members to check the dates on threads, nothing more. Anything else, please report or see the help desk, thanks.

 

[Nicci777]

I thought I had finally overcome the shadow they left behind. The damaged timeline they caused over y...

I hear her voice just like you hear his. I have 3 voices. My baby girl, little boy and me. All suffered at the hands of pedophiles.. I can relate to you. It's scary.. And I thought I overcame it. But they keep getting hurt in my dreams and in my mind.. SHE is angry and violated. SHE wants to attack back now for the shame he caused HER and them.